Hypospadias And You: An In-Depth Study Of Bong Dick

I live in the DC area and I have a baby boy, so it's only natural that scientists have now discovered that DC drinking water might be deforming baby boy's genitals. WOOHOO!

I stumbled upon this information when Mrs. Drew told me to read this article in the New York Times by Nicholas Kristof. This is typical. If there's a piece of information out there that will make parents FREAK THE FUCK OUT, my lady will find it and tell me I have to read it and start worrying about it. Embedded in this article, and treated way too fucking casually by Kristof, is this sentence…

And up to 1 percent of boys in the United States are now born with hypospadias, in which the urethra exits the penis improperly, such as at the base rather than the tip.

GAHHHHHHH! One percent of ALL boys? Let's just do the math for a second. Four million babies are born here in the US every year. Split the number in half, take one percent of it, and you've got 20,000 boys born annually who have this condition, which I will from here on out refer to as "Bong Dick". This is the worst thing I've ever heard. I wanted to know more about this condition, so I've done a little bit of research to help keep you, the properly dickholed male population out there, aware of this grotesque and terrifying Bong Dick pandemic.

According to the Mayo Clinic…

Hypospadias is a condition in which the opening of the urethra is on the underside of the penis, instead of at the tip.

Well, now it really IS a skin flute. As opposed to the traditional skin flute, which is really more of a skin recorder, or skin slide whistle.

You may feel distressed if your son is born with hypospadias.

May? MAY?! Who is not distressed to find this abnormality? "Hey, that's odd. Little Johnny's dickhole is on his taint. Oh well, win some, lose some."

However, hypospadias is common and doesn't cause difficulty in caring for your infant. In fact, surgery usually restores the normal appearance of your child's penis. With successful treatment of hypospadias, most males can eventually have normal adult sexual function.

I guess this is a relief, until I found the name of the surgery used to correct Bong Dick. According to a headline on MedScape.com, "Long-Term Correction of Epispadias Good With Penile Disassembly Technique." This is horrifying. I did not know a penis could be disassembled, like a table from Ikea. I assumed it came as a single welded piece.

The worst thing about Bong Dick is that, and Kristof flubs his science on this, it varies from penis to penis. Your dickhole (or, to use the medical term, "meatus") doesn't always end up at the base of your junk. And the shape of your penis can be altered as a result, including severe and painful curving, and more. According to MedScape…

Hypospadias is an abnormality of anterior urethral and penile development in which the urethral opening is ectopically located on the ventrum of the penis proximal to the tip of the glans penis, which, in this condition, is splayed open.

So not only has the greenskeeper moved your pin, but your dick is now butterflied, like a rack of lamb.

The urethral opening may be as proximal as the scrotum or perineum.

So you could end up pissing out of your balls, which would be a neat party trick. Or you could end up pissing out of your taint, just like the ladies do. YOU MIGHT FLOOD YOUR MERKIN. It certainly makes the oral sex interesting, though. "Girl, I have good news. You need neither spit nor swallow. But I'd wear a bib if I were you."

The earliest medical text describing hypospadias dates back to the second century AD and was the work of Galen, the first to use the term. During the first millennium, the primary treatment for hypospadias was amputation of the penis distal to the meatus.

/dies

Since that time, many have contributed to development of modern hypospadias repair.

"Fuck polio! We need to fix THIS right now! Get everyone on it!"

The incidence of hypospadias is greater in whites than in blacks, and it is more common in those of Jewish and Italian descent.

So not only do blacks get the bigger dongs, but they also get the normal ones. WHY ARE WHITES TREATED SO UNFAIRLY?

Don't think, by the way, that all babies born with Bong Dick are immediately corrected and go on to live happy, carefree lives. There are cases of Adult Hypospadias out there, and a Google Image Search will show you exactly what the consequences of that look like. I have seen this. I will never be the same. Further, adult Bong Dick has any number of psychological side effects. According to this study in Andrology Journal…

A comparative study of psychosocial and sexual adjustment (Berg et al, 1981) showed that 34 adult men operated on for hypospadias had less satisfactory psychosocial adjustment than 36 age-matched patients operated on as children at the same age for appendicitis. The hypospadiac patients were more timid and embarrassed as children and were shyer and more socially isolated as adults. They had lower self-esteem, decreased capacity for social or emotional relationships, and less qualified occupations.

And some of these tortured souls end up going to online forums to share their pain. Here's one:

I was born with hypospadias. Between 1965 (when I was at the age of five) and 1975, I had a series of operations at Children's Hospital in Boston to correct this birth defect.

Five operations on his penis between the ages of 5 and 15. Jesus. This man should never have to buy a drink in his life. Ever. Especially if that drink contains tap water from the DC area. I demand the government stop paying attention to the economy and begin paying more attention to our meatuses. Because this is awful. It's worse than the Great Funnel Pussy Scare Of '02. No man should have to go through life with a blowhole on his sack. If you have a friend who suffers from this condition, please, give him a hug. Give his penis a hug. Tell him it's going to be all right. And ask him what he does at the stadium trough.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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