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Jul 10, 2009 04:15 PM
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Wed Feb 10
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What really happened on that fateful night when America's Sideline Princess was viciously attacked by flying baseballs? Just how bad were her injuries? Where was the ball boy/girl for protection? Why is there no video evidence? What are they hiding?!
It's a mystery wrapped inside a riddle wrapped inside a hot dog bun. ALLEGEDLY, Andrews was covering the game for ESPN when a foul ball off the bat of Alex Cora struck the unsuspecting reporter on the chin. Despite the fact that Andrews works in television and our entire society is a hyper-surveilled police state, no film clips have yet to emerge of the incident. Not even grainy cellphone footage from the third deck of Citi Field. Pretty suspicious, wouldn't you say?
Lacking sufficient visual evidence, we've been forced to re-create what happened that night in symbolic form using eyewitness accounts, primary historical anecdotes, and CIA-classified topography maps to "imagineer" the chain of events that led to this unfortunate "accident." We believe it looked something like this:
Thanks to whoever yanked her cord, we know that Andrews was indeed at Citi Field that night, strategically placed out in the open where she would have full view of anything that happened in the stadium. Unfortunately, that necessity made her an easy target for Cora (represented here by the Devil.) However, it seems highly unlikely that Cora could fire such an accurate shot from a sixth-floor window of the book depository building when he is only a .246 lifetime hitter. Perhaps there was a second batter behind the picket fence? SportsCenter's Josh Elliott—who was hired by the same mysterious backers who employ Andrews—confessed on the air this morning that he was also at Citi Field, but "didn't see anything." How convenient!
And where was Mr. Met when all this was happening? We are through the looking glass, people.
Cora takes out frustration on Erin Andrews [NY Post]
ESPN/ABC juggle college football announcer lineups [USA Today]
Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.
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