Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

-After losing 2 of 3 to the Nats, no one photo better sums up the Mets' year than Jeff Francoeur being the baseball's bitch. Except maybe this one.

-If you caught HBO's Real Sports last night, you know about Friends of Jaclyn, a program that lets college teams "adopt" a sick child. Also, you cried like a baby.

-A Dominican prospect undergoes DNA testing to prove he's as young as he says he is. Livan Hernandez tried to take the test, but broke the machine.

-It's looking more like it's LeBron or bust, after Chris Bosh breaks into laughter at the mention of playing for the Knicks.

-Steroids? In my MMA? It's more likely than you think. Former UFC heavyweight champ Josh Barnett tests positive, canceling a scheduled fight with Fedor Emelianenko.

-DiPietro, Roloson, now Marty Biron. The Islanders do know you can't play three men in goal at once, right?

-Burglars broke into Texas A&M's football complex, and wrote "The Eyes of Texas are Upon You" on the carpet. But who would do such a thing?

-Struggling Red Sox add Adam LaRoche, Chris Duncan. Shockingly, this news doesn't immediately turn around the team's fortunes.

Send an email to Barry Petchesky, the author of this post, at barryp@deadspin.com.