Usually, mid-to-late July is the absolute worst time to be a sports fan, unless you're some baseball-loving choirboy like Leitch.
Thankfully, this past month has flooded our lives with a dizzying array of tawdry, salacious sports stories. A quarterback got shot to death! Another quarterback may have raped a chick! ESPN did something ESPNish! Florio's hair was used to shield incoming Afghan mortars! LeBron sucks! I filmed that one lady's biscuit! I tell you, the action never stops. Hell, football season can wait. I'm far too busy enjoying shooting/dunking/raping/cyber-raping season. Oh sure, people's lives and reputations have been all but destroyed, and my faith in mankind has been shredded into very tiny little pieces. But still, JUICY!
Folks, if we're lucky, this is only the tip of the iceberg. There are so many potential scandals out there, ready to destroy society and keep us mildly entertained for at least two or three days. And the best part is, I'm totally innocent in all this. I'm just a passive observer, ready to issue stern judgments and many a tsk-tsk. All I have to do is take a cold shower, rinse off the shame, and I'm ready to go!
So I'm rolling up my fiber optic cables, cyber-dumping that one chick who thinks I'm a US Marshal, and putting on my prognosticating hat. It's time for me to finally fulfill my end of a losing bet I made with the editor of this fair site. Let's play Oddsmaker!
Today's topic: What's the next great pointless sports media scandal? Join me now, Hammerin' Drew, as we lay down the lines.
5/1 – Gregg Doyel's Penis Featured In Twenty-Minute Segment On Brazzers.com. (NOTE: Don't be a retard and go to brazzers.com while at work) Damn. Look at that girl's ass. She's bending way over and everything. But who is the guy with the camera who won't shut the fuck up? "Oh, wow. That is so hot." Hey asshole, I don't need color commentary on my porn. Only I'm allowed to say creepy shit while the chick is prying herself open like a crate of peaches. And who's the goofy friend with the six earrings and the Mohawk, holding his di… ZOMG! That's Gregg Doyel of CBS Sports! I knew it! He always seemed so adept at talking nasty. Now we know! He operates a BangBeamer! GAH! I'd rather have Larry King narrate this Silvia Saint vignette!
3/1 – WNBA Fisting Scandal. I think this is all but inevitable at some point. There's so much lesbian action in the WNBA, I'm surprised the ball doesn't stick to the court. I don't think it's a reach to wildly speculate that one day in the near future, Indiana Fever coach Nell Fortner will get a little fever of her own, holding down her power forward and doing a little "power forwarding," to use a lesbian industry term (NOTE: not an actual lesbian industry term). If David Stern has half a brain, he'll even orchestrate it. Maybe Fortner will even "extend her reach" to an opposing player. Nothing greases the skids of a women's basketball rivalry like a cervical fist bump.
30/1 – Pervert Installs Hidden Camera On Jack Arute's Toilet. Oh, sure. We all love Jack Arute. We get excited when Brent Musberger throws down to Jack and what's left of his hair. We take pictures of him eating hot dogs on the sideline. We make all sorts of lurid comments about him online. That's all for fun and games. But what if someone decided to take it too far? What if someone decided that innocent ogling simply wasn't enough? What if they headed over to Radio Shack, asked the clerk for their very best toilet cam, avoided buying the extra warranty that never works, broke into Jack's home, and then began filming illegal movies of this poor, innocent man dropping a few
Oregon Ducks in the pond? How do you feel now, American males? Are you happy? Look at what you've done. YOU ARE COMPLICIT IN THIS. All Jack Arute wanted was to cover sports and take a shit. Now his mud train is being aired on FOX News for all to see. Is that enough for you now? I can't even look at you.
1/1 – Chad Ochocinco Tweets His Own Botched Suicide Attempt. Let's face facts here, people. Chad Ochocinco has a tweeting disorder. Here's a severe overtweeter. He secretly believes that if he tweets enough, he will turn into the Verizon guy, with 4,000 people just randomly trailing behind him. There hasn't been a case of Sad Clown Disease like this since Artie Lange got up this morning. I think it's only a matter of time before Ocho's tweets become increasingly more desperate…
OGOchoCinco Sup yall wht r u doin? I jus gt 6-pck o tacos. WHOOZ GON SHURR W/ME?
OGOchoCinco No 1 wants a taco? 4rilly?
OGOchoCinco Ok I jus eet im all mahself
OGOchoCinco Taco, y is ocho so sad?
OGOchoCinco I feel like sometimes no 1 rilly currs, taco
OGOchoCinco Ths iz it 4 me. Bye y'all. Ocho's gon swallow this hole box of Tic Tacs. He gon ovrdse
OGOchoCinco Y duz mah breth smell so frsh? M I n heavn now?
45/1 – Jay Mariotti Raped By Tony Reali. It's a longshot, But it's the kind of long shot you're always tempted to bet on. Hell, Jay's already got the squealing like a pig part down pat. All he needs now is a dick in his ass.
12/1 – Jason Whitlock Caught Selling SuperCrack To Inner City Children. No one is more attuned to issues of black self-loathing than the FOX Sports columnist. He regularly bemoans the state of hip hop lyrics and demands that his fellow African Americans hold themselves to a higher standard. But could that all just be a cover? People, I submit that perhaps Whitlock's racial diatribes might actually serve as an elaborate smokescreen for his one true passion: home brewing extra-concentrated bricks of crack and then selling them to his people at a considerable markup. Think about it. There's no reason Whitlock couldn't actually be a SuperCrack dealer, doling out that sweet sweet candy to any oozing-pumpkin-assed sister ready to service all his big, sexy needs. WHO'S THE HYPOCRITE NOW?
(Actual front page of Fox Sports for the last ten minutes...)
500/1 – Berman Sex Tape You know damn well it's out there. Berman, in his Hawaiian shirt and nothing else, going to town on some poor Outback Steakhouse busgirl, raining sweat all over her back like she's a tomato garden. Alas, ol' Boomer is the discreet sort. He knows to keep his sex tapes close, where you can't find them. A big empty space no one would consider checking.
That's right. He's hidden them in Joe Morgan's cranium.