What mother wouldn't want a puffy, bloated, thick-necked bouncing baby boy? Thanks to a sperm bank in Los Angeles, you can make your dream of birthing Ben Roethlisberger's baby without sleeping with Ben Roethlisberger come true.

But one question remains unanswered: which Ben Roethlisberger does the Ben Roethlisberger look-alike look like? Pre-motorcycle accident or post-?

Wait, one more question remains unanswered: who would want sperm from a Ben Roethlisberger look-alike?

(Hello, Deadspin. My name is Alex Pareene. I grew up in Minnesota, which means everyone I've ever rooted for has been a loser, with the exception of Kirby Puckett. Every Christmas my mom decorates the tree in purple and gold. It's tragic. Last night I went out and got drunk at a Mekons show, and then when I got home, there was Canadian football on the TV, and so, of course, I continued drinking well into the early morning. That is your customary "hello, I'm hungover this morning" introductory statement.)

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.