Finally, a No-Hassle Way to Receive Semen From a Dude That Looks Like This

What mother wouldn't want a puffy, bloated, thick-necked bouncing baby boy? Thanks to a sperm bank in Los Angeles, you can make your dream of birthing Ben Roethlisberger's baby without sleeping with Ben Roethlisberger come true.

But one question remains unanswered: which Ben Roethlisberger does the Ben Roethlisberger look-alike look like? Pre-motorcycle accident or post-?

Wait, one more question remains unanswered: who would want sperm from a Ben Roethlisberger look-alike?

(Hello, Deadspin. My name is Alex Pareene. I grew up in Minnesota, which means everyone I've ever rooted for has been a loser, with the exception of Kirby Puckett. Every Christmas my mom decorates the tree in purple and gold. It's tragic. Last night I went out and got drunk at a Mekons show, and then when I got home, there was Canadian football on the TV, and so, of course, I continued drinking well into the early morning. That is your customary "hello, I'm hungover this morning" introductory statement.)