Why Your Team Sucks: New York Giants

Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. Cry, Fatty, Cry!. Will this video ever stop being enjoyable? To paraphrase Brian Regan, I submit that it will NOT. Look at him, blubbering away like a real-life Chunk.

"Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life."

Oh, Rob. You're so banging.

2. Enough with the whole New York FOOTBALL Giants thing. Yet another Berman phrase taken way too fucking far. Every goddamn radio show host and game analyst out there now says New York Football Giants, thanks to Berman's retardery. Goddamn cocksucking fuckfaced asshole. It wasn't even funny the first time, people. Now it's a pandemic. THERE'S NO FUCKING NEW YORK GIANTS BASEBALL TEAM ANYMORE. STOP TRYING TO BE CUTE OR I WILL STICK YOUR BALLS IN A WAFFLE IRON.

3. There's no racism quite like New Jersey racism. It's always fun to see Giants fans dismiss any complaints about their behavior by simply indicating that said behavior is strictly the domain of Jets fans, and seeing Jets fan turn around and doing the exact same thing. You assholes are ALL dipshit B&T trash. It was Giant fans who knocked out Chargers equipment manager Sid Brooks with ice balls back in '95. It was Giants fans that taunted Saints players right after Hurricane Katrina (and right after the League forced the Saints to play a "home game" in Giants Stadium in one of the worst acts of blatant team favoritism in league history) with clever bon mots such as "Where's your swimmies? I hope you have your swimmies!" and "You deserve what you got. New Orleans people are stupid." Only Deadspin commenters are able to make such delicate material fly. Oh where have you gone, Pot Roast and Gravy?

Here's a New Jersey story for you. Now, we all know people from Jersey are horribly racist. What's fun about Jersey racism is just how unapologetic Jersey racists are. For example, one time at school, I helped drive a teammate from Jersey home for Thanksgiving break. I took him in my car down to Hartford, where his mom was due to pick him up and take him the rest of the way. As we were nearing the Holiday Inn for dropoff, the guy turned to me and said:

Guy: Does East Hartford have lots of niggers?

Me: Uh… I'm not sure.

Then there was a five-minute pause. Then he said:

Guy: God, I hate niggers.

That guy's a lawyer now. Dunno what kind. Probably a prosecutor. Oh, and to answer the question, East Hartford has 9,335 black people in it. Dunno if that's too many for your average Jersey resident to tolerate.

4. Let's play How To Waste A Brilliant O-Line. God damn, the Giants have a great line. There's Chris Snee, and Shaun O'Hara, and… all those other guys. Anyway, they're quite good. Last year, the Giants led the league in rushing with 157 yards per game. They were the only team in the league to average 5 yards a rush or more. Yet none of that mattered when they shit the bed against the Eagles. Eli Manning's arm was too weak to be accurate in his own stadium, and the Giants never found a credible deep threat replacement for Plaxico Burress. And if rookie wideouts Hakeem Nicks or Ramses Barden (or second year man Mario Manningham) fail to be productive, it's the same story all over again. Also, you people are fucking RACIST.

5. The worst part of any Parcells legacy. Here's the worst part of any team is coached by or ever was coached by Bill Parcells. Parcells' old Giant teams prided themselves on extreme toughness. They hit hard, they got after the QB, LT, etc. They were super tough. They were none more tough. They played ToughBall. Or whatever the fuck. There is a bizarre fan mindset that occurs with good defensive teams where the fans assume that, because the defense of their favorite team is tough, THEY are also tough. You see this all over the place, but it's especially bad in New York, across all sports in the history of the town. "Look! Jetuh backhanded that ball! He's tough! Like me! Look at the way Anthony Mason fights for dat rebound! He's tough too! WE'RE SO FUCKING TOUUUUGH!!" Fuck you, New York. Your town is just as full of pansies and dipshits as any other town. If it isn't asshole steakheads rooting for your team, then it's some privileged Upper East Side private school twat. So take your toughness and cram it in your sloppy, gaping vagina. Get fucked.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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