Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. Cry, Fatty, Cry!. Will this video ever stop being enjoyable? To paraphrase Brian Regan, I submit that it will NOT. Look at him, blubbering away like a real-life Chunk.
"Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life."
Oh, Rob. You're so banging.
2. Enough with the whole New York FOOTBALL Giants thing. Yet another Berman phrase taken way too fucking far. Every goddamn radio show host and game analyst out there now says New York Football Giants, thanks to Berman's retardery. Goddamn cocksucking fuckfaced asshole. It wasn't even funny the first time, people. Now it's a pandemic. THERE'S NO FUCKING NEW YORK GIANTS BASEBALL TEAM ANYMORE. STOP TRYING TO BE CUTE OR I WILL STICK YOUR BALLS IN A WAFFLE IRON.
3. There's no racism quite like New Jersey racism. It's always fun to see Giants fans dismiss any complaints about their behavior by simply indicating that said behavior is strictly the domain of Jets fans, and seeing Jets fan turn around and doing the exact same thing. You assholes are ALL dipshit B&T trash. It was Giant fans who knocked out Chargers equipment manager Sid Brooks with ice balls back in '95. It was Giants fans that taunted Saints players right after Hurricane Katrina (and right after the League forced the Saints to play a "home game" in Giants Stadium in one of the worst acts of blatant team favoritism in league history) with clever bon mots such as "Where's your swimmies? I hope you have your swimmies!" and "You deserve what you got. New Orleans people are stupid." Only Deadspin commenters are able to make such delicate material fly. Oh where have you gone, Pot Roast and Gravy?