Why Your Team Sucks: Baltimore Ravens

Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. THIEVES! It's hard to embrace any team was stolen from another city in order to replace the revered team Baltimore still wishes it had. In their relatively short life as an NFL franchise, the Ravens have been wildly successful, and they've cultivated an unmistakable defensive tradition and team identity. That's not an easy thing for a young franchise to do (ask the Panthers and Jaguars, who remain somewhat faceless after all these years). Regardless, I think we all know damn well that if the city of Baltimore were offered the Colts back, with the Ravens being nuked out of existence, Baltimoreans would gladly pull the trigger. No matter how many games they win, the Ravens will always be that town's second, lamer girlfriend. They used to have Art Donovan, and Johnny U, and Jim Parker. Now, they get Ray Ray. They'll always pine for their first love, until the generation that grew up on the Colts finally dies off, and all that remains are camo-clad, retarded Maryland rednecks you see outside M&T Bank Stadium today. Ravens fans today consist solely of dudes who sold you your Christmas tree.

2. PUSSIES! Lest you think the Ravens are all tough and rugged, keep in mind this is the franchise that begged the NFL to not schedule them in a prime time opening game against the Steelers in Pittsburgh. That is fucking weak in so many different ways. This isn't college ball, where big name schools routinely pussy out on scheduling road games with dangerous non-conference opponents. If you're too afraid to play the Steelers in their house at night, then the Steelers own your fucking SHIT. Of course, Ravens fans don't see it this way. No, they believe the NFL is out to get them!

Who cares if the Ravens requested it or not? Watch the league still screw Baltimore over and make them play that game anyway! Remember this past season when we got no BYE week? If you've been a Baltimore fan long enough, you already know to expect the worst when it comes to the league, the officials, etc….

I wouldnt mind playing them in a primetime game in OUR HOUSE. Every time we play a primetime game vs Pitt, it's in Pitt.

Wah wah. The "NFL forces are conspiring to prevent us from winning!" attitude is the stuff Oakland fans are made of.

3. DOUCHEBAGS! Oh, that fucking Ray Lewis dance. There isn't a bigger glory hound in the history of NFL. You'd think stabbing a guy and getting away with it would teach a man a bit of humility. But nooooo. No, Ray Ray took the opportunity to make the leap from self-centered prick to self-centered prick with God on his side. If you never read Scott Price's infamous profile of Lewis for SI, I suggest you visit it immediately, to get in better touch with your hatred for the man. You see, not only is God on Ray Lewis' side, not only has God chosen Ray Lewis to be His primary messenger on Earth, but God will also smite anyone who dares criticize Lewis for letting two men be stabbed, fleeing the scene, and then ratting out his friends to cover his own ass. How dare you persecute the man for not paying his bills, or for being delinquent with child support payments, or forcefully grabbing women, or starring in porn videos? YOU will be the one awaiting judgment, haterzzzz.

Yep, no one runs up to a tackle already made in order to pad his stats and then jumps around like a fucking idiot quite like Ray Lewis. Every time I see Ray Lewis gyrate on the field, I try and telekinetically will lightning to strike him. The time he won Super Bowl MVP after beating the rap still remains one of the more repulsive moments in NFL history. He's not even close to being that team's best defensive player, with Ed Reed, Haloti Nagata, and Terrell Suggs now the heart and soul of the franchise. It's no coincidence that Lewis had his very worst season right before Ngata was drafted. Without a great, run-stuffing DT in front of him (Ngata, Tony Siragusa, Sam Adams, etc.), Lewis is just another asshole. Now Rex Ryan is gone, Bart Scott is gone, and Lewis will be further exposed as an aging attention slut who relies on his teammates to make him look good, rather than his own ability. This is the least likable team in the NFL. Fuck Ray Lewis with a knife.

4. CRIMINALS! Everyone knows Baltimore is the shit-stained asshole of the Northeast Corridor. It's a little bit of Ohio smacked down in the center of the East Coast. Like being murdered? Big fan of hopeless urban decay? Love being stuck in inexplicable traffic slowdowns? Like going to themed bars populated by nothing but men drinking Michelob Ultra and wearing Affliction shirts? I've got the town for you, brother. Baltimore's finest tourist attractions include a very nice baseball stadium that houses the most poorly managed team in Major League Baseball, a tourist area (Inner Harbor) that's a strip mall on water, an aquarium that you'll refuse to pay $28 to enter, and any number of crab restaurants that douse everything in Old Bay. Buy fish sticks at home, sprinkle Old Bay on them, and you'll get virtually the same flavor profile. Annapolis kicks Baltimore's ass all over the map.

Take it from a Maryland resident: Baltimore doesn't matter. There's a reason no one watched "The Sum Of All Fears". Ben Affleck makes a terrible Jack Ryan, but more important is that a nuclear bomb goes off in Baltimore in that film. Are you disturbed by the idea of Baltimore being wiped off the face of the earth? Do you care? Of course not. That's also the reason TV audiences criminally refused to watch "Homicide: Life On The Street" or "The Wire". Yes, those are probably the two greatest crime dramas ever produced for television. But really, do you find it all that moving, suspenseful or tragic when someone in Baltimore is killed? No, you do not. Oh, no! That Baltimore school is crumbling! I can't believe it! I thought it would be shot up by an eighth grader ages ago! Set those shows in Chicago and you get an extra five million viewers for each.

5. BORES! Even when this team wins a title, it still manages to put you to sleep on offense. The running game is a three-headed Cerberus of shittiness (not buying Ray Rice). Todd Heap injured himself playing Cranium last night. A busy day for Joe Flacco consists of 20 pass attempts. No team throws deep more often, and with less success, than the Ravens. It's like watching Matthew Berry try and pick up women.

6. COCK! Reader Josh N.

Fuck Art Modell, Seriously is that fucking guy dead yet? He took the Browns team and all of the talent they had built up and moved it to the fucking cesspool that is Baltimore. I hope he falls down a flight of stairs and lives out the rest of his life in agonizing pain so horrible, that modern medicine can not begin to help it subside.

And Fuck I-95. God I hate I-95 and every cockguzzler that drives on it in the northeast. Sure Baltimore isn't the only god-forsaken rathole that has this problem, just the worst.

Seamus H.:

Baltimore makes Buffalo look like Paris.

Travis H.:

Person: Hey, can I be a Ravens fan?
Ravens fan: Do you like incomplete sentences, crystal meth and purple camo?
Person: Fuckin fuck yes!
Ravens fan: Kick ass. Here, hit this pipe and put on this Ray Lewis baseball jersey!

Ian F.:

When I moved to Baltimore 5 years ago I was excited to be going to a city with such a rich baseball tradition. I was sorely disappointed when I arrived and realized that baseball had no place in this city. No, there was only room for one team and it was the God-awful fucking Ravens. You've never seen so many fucking retards wearing purple in your life. Not only that but it would seem that once you become a Ravens fan you are required to start speaking like the Macho Man Randy Savage, "Oooh yeah, the Ravens, they're coming to git ya, ooh yeahhh, John Harbaugh, MIss Elizabeiiiith, ooh yeah".

They have little fucking clubs called Ravens Roosts, where apparently people get together and compare who is the fattest, most backwater, purple covered douchenozzle. I hate the fucking Ravens, and their fans.

Todd U.

First off, their fucking accent is atrocious and they end every sentence with, "Hon." EVERYTHING they eat is coated in Old Bay seasoning and has some sort of crab in it. People in Merlin as they call it can't fucking drive. Other than the Inner Harbor, which is polluted as hell, the city is scary as fuck and you'll probably get shot or stabbed. Fans scream O during the national anthem. They have a murderer as their defensive leader. And all of these things are just the beginning. My ex girlfriend is from Baltimore and she's a Ravens fan. I happen to be from Indianapolis and I grew up a Colts fan. This led to many arguments. She would complain that the Colts left town in the middle of the night and without taking the marching band. I would point out that the state tried to illegally seize the team through eminent domain, plus they weren't drawing and kind of crowd. Inevitably the argument would end when I would point out that Baltimore stole Cleveland's team. This of course is different in her opinion. Fucking get over it already, hon. I can't wait to go to see the Colts play the Ravens in Baltimore. I will be there in my Colts jersey with a sign that says "God bless Robert Irsay."

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got only the Steelers left.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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