Megan Fox Will Kick You In The BonerS

Jennifer's Body tanked this weekend. I assume there are any number of reasons why. But somewhere on that list has to be the fact that people aggressively don't give a shit about Megan Fox.

I get it, Hollywood. Megan Fox is extremely attractive. When you get cast in a movie because Michael Bay made you wash his car, you're clearly bonerrific. There's no doubt about it. There's also no doubt that Fox is the Poochie of hot young starlets. If you told me she was created in a WETA workshop and that, in real life, she is played by Andy Serkis, I wouldn't be surprised in the least. She should be rastified at least 10% more to bring in more kids from urban markets.

I remember when Angelina Jolie first became famous a while back and all the hype about her was about how "edgy" and "dangerous" she was. She did interviews where she talked about being bisexual, and keeping Billy Bob's blood around her neck and all that shit, and threw out quotes about sex like this:

I got knives out and had a night where we attacked each other... it felt so primitive and it felt so honest…

Sure it did, honey. Fox did the same thing recently, telling Rolling Stone (bragging, really) that she's so unstable she might shoot her boyfriend (the extremely edgy and dangerous Brian Austin Green) one day.

People like this are fucking annoying. It's like someone took a hot chick and grafted Jeremy Shockey's personality onto her. "Brah, we're so crazy!" It's such egregious bullshit that it gets in the way of my boner. And that takes a lot of bullshit, because my boner is a goddamn bullet train that is impervious to derailment. I don't buy that Jolie ever stabbed someone during intercourse. And, if she did, I'm quite sure she did it specifically so she could TELL other people that she did. And then magazines could say, "Hey, this crazy bitch doesn't play by the rules!" and then she could become really fucking famous without ever having made a watchable movie. Then she could steal Brad Pitt away from some other hot chick and surround herself with the cast of "The Electric Company".

I don't need any of this bullshit. I don't need a backstory to my spank bank material. I don't need the contrived attitude. SHE'LL STAB YOU IN THE COCK AND YOU'LL LOVE IT! In fact, I'd prefer my T&A unexplained, thank you very much. If I want to picture Fox as a sex-crazed bitch who wants to dig throwing stars into my back while nailing me in a stairway, I can conjure that image myself (note to self: conjure said image). I don't need help. In fact, hearing Megan Fox talk about cutting herself only hinders my efforts. Ooooh, she has tattoos! She's so UNPREDICTABLE AND POTENTIALLY SEXUALLY LIBERATED! BETTER STROKE HARDER!

It's always assumed that men will happily accept any and all bullshit so long as it comes in a nice, tittified package. But many of us don't. I don't like sideline reporters. I don't like going to Hooters. I don't like that Faith Hill song from SNF even though Hill rocks that sweater dress like a fucking volcano. I didn't spank it to "Body of Evidence" when I saw it, because I was too busy feeling like a fucking moron for watching it. Believe it or not, we're not all brain-dead automatons who will watch any shitty flick just because two hot chicks kiss in it. We have access to naked women any time we please, you know. It's not like we're hard up for material.

So please, Hollywood. Spare us the whole manufactured crazy chick phenomenon. It's an insult to men and women alike. I can already see the next iteration of Megan Fox coming on the horizon. She'll be a lapsed Mormon! She'll talk to a tabloid about how she never reads tabloids! She'll have a pierced clit! As AJ says: "I feel like right now my masculinity is called into question if I don't think Megan Fox is the greatest thing ever. Like, that whole ‘if you don't fuck me I'll cut myself with a broken beer bottle' thing. Like this is the Frankenskank girl Anthony Michael Hall and the other kid were really trying to create in Weird Science. That she's what every male from age 14-50 covets and desires. Her freak factor is contrived and her acting ability is minimal."

It reminds me of that quote from Wolf. Yeah, it's not that great of a flick (the last hour blows), but the speech works here:

You know, I think I understand what you're like now. You're very beautiful and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful, but you want them to be interested in you because you're you. The problem is, aside from all that beauty, you're not very interesting. You're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn. I know you want someone to look past all that at the real person underneath but the only reason anyone would bother to look past all that is because you're beautiful. Ironic, isn't it? In an odd way you're your own problem.

Especially when you only make shitty movies.

PHOTOS: GQ by Terry Richardson