The One Where Jared Allen Shows He Can Croon

We get a massive amount of tips in our inbox each week. Some are pretty interesting, but don't get published for one reason or another.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

He's A Big Man, With A Big Voice

So you're going to Minneapolis? You should go to Blarney Pub & Grill, because it's where Jared Allen sings karaoke (see attached pics). You're welcome, bitches.

This Is Not A Place For Political Satire

*

I love Deadspin. I love wasting my time on the site when I should be doing my homework or studying or some crap like that. It's a sports blog, and I love sports. I also love politcs, so I go to political blogs to get my fix for that. When separate, each do their jobs very well. So why are these blowhards continually popping up on Deadspin writing this crap that is neither funny nor insightful in any significant way? You always say "I want to love ESPN, but they keep doing this bullshit like the Farve stunts that pisses the fans off" This is EXACTLY the same thing. No one likes it. It's not even clever writing. If they were meant to be serious, then its fucking retahded. If its all some extended joke, then it's pathetic. Please, please, please, please, please try to get this shit to stop. I would bet my soul that there is not a single reader that enjoys this crap. Thank you

-Brad, UConn

*

Thanks for morphing into the National Fucking Review Online over the goddamned Olympics bid. I've got to go now and spooge on my advanced copy of Going Rogue. You're welcome.

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Hey AJ,

I thoroughly enjoy your site. Deadspin is appointment reading for me and usually among the first on my RSS feed. I'm usually not the type to chime in on anything (I'm not even a member of the commentariat), but I urge you to keep politics off this site. I don't know what the relationship is between you and Akex Pareene or Ms. Tkotic but, their articles' VERY loose relevance to sports is apalling. I actually agree with a few points made in the articles but, nonetheless, they have no business on a sports site.

Thanks for your time,

*

Deadspin's hit a new low. get this Pareene queef posts off the site.

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"When Chicago hosted its famed World's Fair in 1893, the closing ceremonies had to be canceled and replaced with Mayor Carter Harrison's memorial service. He'd just been assassinated, you see.. By an immigrant, no less. So perhaps, one inclined toward politically incorrect fantasias may find himself darkly imagining, the 2016 Chicago Olympics could've ended on a high note."

Is Deadspin now the type of place where right-wing columnists fantasize about the President being assassinated and considering that a 'high note'?

Please don't ruin this site by going right-wing OR left-wing. I, like many others, come here because it is an escape from all the bullshit that is out there. I hope this is a one-time event and we aren't subjected to more drivel (from either side) like this.

Thanks and I do love the site.

John

* From Nick Denton:
Subject: Your Readers Hate The Weekend Guests

We need styled satire posts for you so you can experiment without freaking people out so.

Andrea Kremer Explains To The Football Night In America Audience The Perils Of Pussy Traps And "Half!" On MNF

Andrea Kremer, RAW! Did she steal this outfit from Eddie Murphy's closet?

Oh, Heather

Hey!

I love your site! My boyfriend got me hooked and now I check it every day. One of my friends showed me this video about the Sox/Angels series! I lot of my girlfriends like it so I thought maybe you'd want to post it. The link is below! It's VERY funny...

Thanks!

Heather

Please Send All Inquiries To Drew@deadspin.com

Wats the best email to send tips on current locations of celebrities
like tyra banks and oprah etc in new york

And...The Return Of The Fanny Cough Poet (blows out)

(blows out) this remind of my friend names leon whiskers. leon was a cat. and yes, that is right, I say was. so leon whisker live on teh streets. he have no real home, he have no real family. Just alotta people of the neighborhood that give him love and give him many pets on he head (awww). there was one lady who really like leon and feed him milk every day. Her name was Mrs. Merfs. That's right again, i say was. She whistle every morning and hope that leon make it through the night. Maybe he get into a fight with a group of wild cat that live in teh gutter. maybe he steal a cheese from a rat and teh rat bite him. Or maybe even worse, he get stuck in honey in the garbage and they throw him in that truck and crush him. She could only pray every morning that he is still alive.

So mrs merfs say her whistles and like a clock works, here come leon. mrs Merfs smile, she put a bowl nice milk on teh floor and give him pets on he head. he make a purrs noise and mrs merfs probly couldn't be happier. her baby from the street has make it through another night and now he getting he milk. If you are a old lady that is pretty much one of teh best thing in teh world. it is like they need each other and together they is happy.

So one day me and huerta is watchin america gladaters and we hear a big commotion down the street. it is mrs merfs and they is takin her away in a ambulance. I walk over to see what I could do. Maybe i could help by takin her snuggie to teh hosptial or somethin, I dont know but i feel bad if I just sit there. So I see a fireman who was there and I ask him. "hey what happened? does you knews what happens to mrs merfs?" and he look at me and make a sad face and says "i sorry, but that lady is dead." wow. we is in shock. She had always lived there as far as i could remember and something like this had never happened before. Huerta take it pretty hard because i guess when he was little mrs merfs gave him mounds one time for hallaweens and that is he favorite. I give huerta a pat on the head and tell him that we should get mounds to celebrate she life. It would be a nice gesture and on top of that we was pretty hungry anyway. So we both had a piece of mounds and had a good laugh and cry about mrs merfs. It was just like a irished wake ecpet instead of beer and whiskies, we have choclate and cockonuts.

So a few week go by and there is a lotta hustle and bustles at teh Merf house. They was gonna sell it, so they is fixin it all up. They put a new mailbox on. They trim she grass and plant a flowers. And they paint the house a new color....white. (chills) So again Huerta and me is watchin TV, I think it was like no whammies...yes it was. Huerta was jumpin around all excited because one of them contestants was winning alotta money and kept just JUST missin teh whammies. He was jumping near the window and something catch he eye and he get all quiet. (whispers) "hey studs, did you leave you a stuff animal out on teh grass?" I think for a second and i say no because i think teh last time I use it I put it right away. So i look and it isn't a stuff animal. It is Leon. And he is one of two thing. He is a sleep. Or (blows out) he is dead.

Well, if you are a good detective you probly have already figure out that Leon was not asleep. We go over to him and check for he pulse. Nothing is there. Then we notice soemthing that would stay in our head for teh rest of a life. Leon mouth is all white. why is it white? Is it like he spit is dried? Was he tryin to disguise heself to get away from trouble? No. It take us a few hour to figure out but he mouth was white because he eats paint. The people cleaning and painting the Merf house had left a bucket of paint out in teh back where Mrs merfs used to feed Leon. also, that day there was a special train in teh neighborhood that whistle all morning. huerta and i agree that Leon probly hears that train whistle and think mrs merfs is back and wants to give him he morning milk and some pets. The odds of all them things happening at once is atronautical.

About a year to teh day later Huerta and I was watchin TV, I think it was jeffersons. And when weezie was cookin something, the pot she uses make a whistle and me and heurta kind of look at each other and smile. I think both of us was thinkin about mrs Merfs and leon and that they is probaly in heaven, with mrs. Merf pettin leon while he drinkin he milk. and maybe leon finally live with her because it is heaven and in heaven cats arent homeless (life is much easier for people and animal). The only thing that would have made that moment when weezie pot whistle better for me and huerta was if we coulda splita Mounds. but life aint perfect. Leon is proof of that.

stuqs

p and s...hey mike are u related to that guy names steven schiellberg

Send an email to A.J. Daulerio, the author of this post, at ajd@deadspin.com.

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