Go ahead and play with yourself. It's perfectly natural and I won't judge you. Even if you're a high school basketball coach, it's still a personal matter. But do it in the middle of Costco, and that'll get you headlines.

Kyle Dennis, a math teacher and boys basketball coach in Boise, is in trouble for giving us one of the best police reports in recent memory:

Dennis "knowingly engaged in obscene conduct...by manipulating his penis with his hands while walking around a Costco store with an erection."

Despite that "knowingly," I might be willing to cut him a little slack here. Who among us can see the amazing deals on bulk pricing and not get at least semi-chubby? Oh wait, there's a pattern.

The documents go on to say that Dennis performed the same behavior at the Costco on 2051 S. Cole Road as well as the Walmart on Overland in June.

Walmart? You pervert.

Coach Charged With Obscene Conduct At Costco [KBCI]

Send an email to Barry Petchesky, the author of this post, at barryp@deadspin.com.