Chaos In Tigerland: A Deadspin Investigation Into The Sexual Habits Of Pro AthletesS

Here's a story about three women and their relationships with Tiger Woods. One is a porn star you haven't met. The other two are rumored mistresses, but they're really much more important than that. Welcome to Tigerland.

The biggest misconception about the Tiger cheating scandal is that Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin, two of the first three women named by the tabloids, were his full-time lovers. They may have been at some point (especially Rachel, some say on numerous occasions) but that was not their primary function. No, Uchitel's main job was to provide women for Tiger during his globetrotting excursions to various tournaments, charity functions and fuck-and-run private-jet weekends with his Fortune 500 party pals that he seemed to enjoy so much. Kalika Moquin? Many Las Vegas insiders doubt that she ever slept with Tiger. But she did set him up with some sweet VIP service at The Bank or at Bare like any good hostess would: a roomful of available girls with a certain look that Tiger wanted, flown in just for the occasion. This is the world of high-end nightclub VIP treatment, where velvet ropes guard comfy, cloistered areas with leathery couches and bottles of Grey Goose, everything catered to the wishes of the much sought-after professional athlete clientele. And, yes, sports fans, that means loading their velvet-roped stable with fake-boobied ponies to fuck. "The fact that people don't understand that these affairs are well-orchestrated is pretty naive," says one VIP concierge who has worked with Uchitel (we'll call him "Serge" for the sake of not always having to say "VIP Concierge Number 1" when using his quotes). "Rachel Uchitel works for Tiger the minute he gets off the plane wherever he is: from dinner, to photos, to nightclubs, to drugs, to girls — whatever he wants."

And Tiger's a mighty whale. Serge estimates she's probably on retainer for about 10-15k per month to handle all his dirty business, and the tips for successful Tiger poontang-wrangling (among other things) could net her upwards of 50k in tips. Rachel knows not to mess around with somebody like Tiger; that whole "I didn't bang Tiger!" charade she pulled with anybody who asked after the National Enquirer tailed her to Melbourne may have been somewhat true (meaning: she's not his main chick), but Tiger's probably not concerned with whatever she has to say about their true-or-false copulation activities — he's more concerned that she knows how Tiger's been feeding off a menu of 20-and-30-something bubbleheads for years provided to him by Uchitel via her concierge service. No, it's not exactly prostitution — but these girls are flown in from LA to Vegas for a weekend of all-expenses and free drinks and admission into this world of über-rich sleaziness. If a famous athlete takes an interest, they certainly have the option to do whatever it is they want (no pressure!). So Rachel? She basically got caught in Melbourne on one of her many girl-corralling expeditions for one of her most important clients, which is a crucial part of her job.

"She knows everybody and everybody knows her," Serge says. "The clubs pay her big money for the clients that she brings in. She's not a fucking floozy or nothing. She's a real event planner. She's not just some girl that lifts up the velvet rope and sucks guy's dicks. She's the kind of girl that when you talk to her, you know, she's all business. She's beautiful, she's smart and her agenda is to land big clients — not big boyfriends." And if Uchitel were to start dishing, then plenty of other Sportsmen of the Year — not to mention certain members of the media who cover them — would suffer a similar fate as Tiger. There are many, many, many doors that many, many, many people would prefer stay tightly closed for now.

So think of Rachel not as a spurned mistress but more as a faithful confidante in Woods' elite inner circle. She knows where all the coochie is buried (even more than we know at this time), and if there has been any kind of financial transaction made for her silence, it was done with that in mind. Another equally viable alternative is that Rachel had the good sense to know she'll have quite a career for herself in this "legit" business once all this Tiger mess has passed. She knows how to honor the omerta of all VIP hosts that Tiger paid big money for her to observe.

Same thing Kalika, whom Serge describes as a "goody-two-shoes" of the Vegas nightlife scene, someone who's so meticulous about her work that she'd never entertain the notion of sleeping with Tiger simply because it would be very bad for business. "Fucking Tiger would be really terrible for her reputation as a marketing and event planner for these places. There's big money in that. She's legit, dude!" (Yes, Serge says, "Legit, dude!" just as you'd expect he would.)

The one girl who didn't surprise anyone in this mess is budding reality star Jaimee Grubbs. According to VIP Concierge # 2 (let's call him, I don't know, "Jorge"), she was wrangled for a weekend, possibly by some folks at The Bank (where Kalika just so happened to work), but she was always such an attention whore that a kajillion-word Us Weekly article buttressed with saved text messages and voicemails fit her profile to a capital extra "E." "Everyone on the scene knew who Jaimee was in Vegas the minute she stepped off the plane," Jorge says. "She dated a guy at The Bank for a long time." She had big plans, big dreams, she was gonna be a star ... but she fell in love with Tiger while watching Angels & Demons. That'll help a career, won't it? Dum-dum.

Jaimee (and the other little yapping Tiger girls) annoyed the crap out one of Tiger's mistresses — a person who actually considered herself a "full-time" of Tiger's thanks to years of faithful service to his virulent sexual appetite. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Veronica Siwik-Daniels aka Joslyn James, a double-D brunette whose specialties include being double-penetrated on camera in many NSFW films.

Chaos In Tigerland: A Deadspin Investigation Into The Sexual Habits Of Pro Athletes

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But Jorge, proud Facebook friend of Miss Siwik-Daniels, said that this status update she posted on Dec. 2 was meant for all the ladies running their mouth about her man, Eldrick.

"I find it comical when certain individuals have no life of their own and want to be ME...so terribly bad. LMAO!"

The emphasis on "ME," says Jorge, was Veronica's way of respecting her unique relationship with Tiger and not becoming part of the screeching hordes. She did not return a message left on her phone requesting comment. Good for her.

Jorge was less discreet, however, telling me that Joslyn used love to talk about "all the freaky shit Tiger dug in bed," and that every time he'd come to town he'd pay for a visit. You know, with cash.

But here's what we've learned throughout this Tiger mess, which, in many ways, may change how some of these athletes are covered. Athletes have utilized the VIP service to engage in their affairs (and meet possible mistresses) for the sake of (supposed) privacy, philandering without the hassle of having to do any work themselves to land these women. It's a dirty business all around. But what to do now, since Tiger has gone and messed it up for a bunch of people who were pretty safe from prying eyes and camera lenses whenever they stepped out on their wives and girlfriends during Vegas weekends? CHAOS REIGNS ...

Welcome to the new world, mainstream media, where the blanks are about to be filled-in. The truth will set you free.

Now, bring me the client friend list of Pam Tina Trahan and let's really start some shit.