A Children's Treasury Of Bizarre Injuries

The Sun-Sentinel has put online a database of more than 374,000 emergency room visits. We present some highlights from the worlds of sports, sex and...other.

What lessons do we learn, perusing the injury reports? Nothing we didn't know already: children are stupid, don't put things up your rectum you can't get out, and never cut food with a mandolin.

•6 Male White FELL IN DIRT FROM TOY BIKE & HIT BY CLASSMATE AT SCHOOL, NOSEBLEED,NOW HALLUCINATING STATES SNAKES/BUGS CRAWLING ON LEG/ARMS; HALLUCINATING

•31 Female Black BOYFRIEND INSERTED A BASEBALL IN HER VAGINA 4 HOURS AGO UNABLE TO REMOVAL BASEBALL FOREIGN BODY VAGINA REMOVAL

•8 Male White "TRYING TO BE IRON MAN" AND JUMPED OFF OF A DECK 10FT HIGH. DX SPRAIN R/L FOREARM

•14 months Female Not stated PT CRAWLED UNDER THE BED OF A HOTEL ROOM AND CAME OUT WITH A VIBRATOR IN MOUTH POSSIBLE STD EXPOSURE.

•58 Male Not stated PT TRIED TO PRY FIGURINE OFF TOP OF 6MONTH OLD CUPCAKE W/ KNIFE,IT SLIPPED-CUT R INDEX FINGER,DX LACERATION R INDEX FINGER

•20 Male White CHEMICAL BURNS TO FACE FROM KEYBOARD CLEANER THAT FRIENDS PUT ON HIS FA CE AS A JOKE/ CHEMICAL BURN FACE

•39 Male White PT PREPPING FIELD FOR BASEBALL GAME/ WENT HOME AND TOOK DRINK OF POMEGRANATE SCHNAPPS/CHEST PAIN

•47 Male White PT WAS DOING SOME KINKY MANEUVERS WITH GIRL HE MET, SHE PUT A PLASTIC BOTTLE IN RECTUM, UNABLE TO REMOVE. DX - RECTAL FOREIGN BODY

•22 Female Not stated BURNED A CROSS INTO WRIST WITH HOT SCREWDRIVER WHILE DRUNK THAT IS INFECTED NOW

•7 Male White WAS PLAYING W/FRIEND THROWING BRICKS, 1 BOUNCED OFF FENCE, HITTING SELF IN HEAD - CONTUSION HEAD

•7 Male Not stated R HAND FX:STATES FRIEND TWISTED MY "FRESHLY PIERCED NIPPLES, COULD HIT FRIEND OR HIT WALL, HIT WALL WITH FIST,NS IF JEWELRY INVOLVED OR INTENT

•20 Male White PT C/O OF RIB PAIN. IS DRUNK.CONCERNED THAT MAY HAVE SWALLOWED TONGUE PIERCING

•15 Male White FELL OUT OF WHEELCHAIR HIT HEAD ON A TRUCK. DX-PAIN THORACIC SPINE.

•7 Male Not stated ACCIDENTALLY STRUCK ONTO LOWER ABDOMEN WITH HOCKEY STICK WHILE PLAYING WII>> ABDOMINAL PAIN

•44 Male Other PT CUT FORESKIN OF PENIS ONE MONTH AGO WHILE SHAVING. NOW WITH INCREASED SWELLING AND LARGE ULCER. D: STD, PARAPLUIMOSIS, SYPHILIS.

•13 Female White 13YOF PUSHED ASIDE,FIREMAN COMING IN HOUSE,AFTER ANSWERING FIRE CALL, WAS A PRANK CALL THAT HOUSE WAS ON FIRE LANDED ON FLOOR;HAND CONTUSION

•7 Female White 7 Y/O PUTTING ON A NECKLACE, ONE END WENT INTO EAR CANAL PUNCTURING TYMPANIC MEMBRANE. DX-PUNCTURE WOUND LEFT EAR DRUM.

•32 Male Black PATIENT WAS FOUND LYING PRONE ON THE GRASS, HAVING SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH A POLE DX-DRUGS VS ACUTE PSYCHIATRIC ILLNESS

•26 Female Black 26 YOF USED *** BAR SOAP FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HAS VAGINAL ITCH VAGINO SIS

•6 Male White PT BROKE POP TOP OFF ROOT BEER CAN & PUT IT IN CAN, CONTINUED TO DRINK OUT OF CAN, MOM DUMPED OUT REST & DIDNT FIND POP TOP; POSS SWALLOWED FB

•65 Male White PUT BASEBALL IN RECTUM PREVIOUS DAY FB RECTUM

•55 Male Not stated 55 YOM AMPUTATED TIPS OF RIGHT THUMB, INDEX AND MIDDLE FINGER WHILE USING A MANDOLIN TO SLICE FOOD

•27 Male Not stated LAC FINGER SLICING ZUCCHINI ON A MANDOLIN

•67 Female White 67 YOF LACERATED FINGER ON LEFT HAND WITH MANDOLIN WHILE CUTTING POTATOES

Good lord, America. Half of you are irredeemably stupid, and the other have worse luck than Mr. Bean.

Database: Injuries reported by emergency rooms [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]