How Gross Do You Think It Gets Inside Those Green Suits?

"I still don't know what it symbolizes, but I like it!" says the delightfully dopey announcer about these two fine fellows who have taken up residence next to the penalty box at Canucks games. I feel the same way about this website.

Good morning! I'm Katie, and I'm here on short notice to keep you occupied on this cold winter's day. (Sorry, was that too New York centric?)

See what happened is, I got home from work yesterday and stole an errant Sports Illustrated that was lying around the mail room. There's no real excuse for my actions* other than I had a craving for some Letters to the Editor with sentences like "This team will definitely be dancing with the stars in March." You know?

Anyway, karma's a bitch: like five minutes later I got an email from your Senior Editor, Tommy Craggs.

Yo, Katie. Call me when you get this. I have a favor to ask, and I'll be more persuasive over the phone.

Tommy baby, if I knew it was going to be like that, I would have at least put on some lipstick! Anyway, what can I say. The man's got moves, and here I am.

• While you were sleeping, Serena Williams defeated fresh-out-of-retirement Justine Henin in three sets to win her fifth Australian Open and tie Billie Jean King with 12 Grand Slam titles. "She gave me all I could handle tonight," admitted Williams, presumably while panting and glistening with sweat.

• Chicago's Luol Deng forced overtime with a last-second basket and the Chicago Bulls came back to defeat the Hornets 108-106 and put the Bulls above .500.

• Meanwhile, the Post helpfully points out that while the New Jersey Nets' "latest glorious winning streak may have died at one," the 4-41 team "still can finish at .500." I bet Fred Kerber is a hit at the casino.

• A bitchy golfer is sniping at Phil Mickelson for exploiting a boring loophole in the rules and using a Ping-Eye 2 wedge that was made 20 years ago and features now-banned "square grooves." And now I'm thinking Vampire Weekend should write a song rhyming that with "man boobs."

Anyway, please don't be shy with the tips. Sharing is caring, although if you smoke all my weed, man, you gotta call the green man.

*Excuse for the sin of desiring Sports Illustrated, obviously. The stealing, whatever.