Super Bowl Subplot #7: Shhh! Commercials!S

The only thing people love more than Super Bowl commercials is complaining about people who only care about the commercials. Or is it complaining about those complainers? I feel like we've had this conversation before.

The beauty of the Super Bowl advertising storyline is that it gives everyone a reason to have an opinion about the big game. (Without that connection to the rest of America, football fans would just seem more creepy obsessive than they already are.) The problem is that everyone knows this, so you don't even have to buy an ad anymore to get a plug for whatever the hell you want to talk about. Your $2.5 million doesn't pay for 30 seconds of precious airtime. It pays for two weeks of p.r. in half the media outlets in this country. Why do you think companies don't even bother to save their ads for Sunday? Why waste all that hype on people taking bathroom breaks.

The best way to take advantage of this strategy is, of course, manufactured controversy. Focus on the Family is probably still pissed that CBS actually accepted their Tebow Truth Tutorial. You just can't buy the kind of outrage that a rejection would have stirred up. (Plus, that's two very large down the drain.) If only they had ManCrunch's director of marketing. Even gay dudes had never heard of that site two weeks ago. Now their name is being broadcast on FoxNews for free. That's how you do emotional blackmail!

OMG you guys ... the GoDaddy ad got banned from the Super Bowl! Again! For the fourteenth year in a row! You'd think by now they'd have figured out how network TV's standards and practices work, but I guess they're so fucking edgy they can't even control themselves. Don't worry, though! There's no nudity or anything remotely sexy in the "banned" ad, because you're not allowed to host porn on GoDaddy servers. (Selling sex is wrong, kids.)

CAPTION: "The Worst Super Bowl Commercial Of All Time"

I wonder which ad Bud Light will run? The one where the 20-something guy goes to some improbable length to secure a single 12-oz. beer or the one with the sluts? I'm on pins and needles over here.

Seriously, though. Super Bowl ads are what unite as a country. It brings football to the snobby elites and puts rich celebrities and their famous brands on the same level with average Joes just looking to enjoy their weekend. It also puts a reality show buffoon on the same level with Peyton Manning. Enjoy Coke.

Super Bowl Commercial Preview: 'The Simpsons' for Coke, GoDaddy.com, Doritos, Budweiser [ABC News]
Super Bowl Ad Controversy From Tim Tebow to Two Men Kissing [ABC News]
ManCrunch.com Denies Accusations Super Bowl Ad Was Just PR Stunt [Fox]
What To Expect From The Super Bowl Commercials [NPR]