It was only a matter of time before athletes and other sports figures got into the iPhone app game, and now, thanks to one company, they have done so only as modern sports celebrities can: tackily.
I recently stepped into the world of four sports figures' iPhone apps, each from Rock Software: Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, boxer Floyd Mayweather, Vikings defensive end Jared Allen, and Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. This is what I learned.
1. Ochocinco Is An Emotional Train Wreck And A Lonely Husk Of A Man. Maybe.
This should be self-evident by now, what with his new dating show and all, but the app offers a glimpse into the man's soul, and you can almost feel its yearning. Not only does he say (in his Tips section, of all places) that listening to Michael Bublé makes him want "a significant other," but he also cops to sitting on a curb, reading about all the breakups in the celebrity gossip magazines. This is so sad it almost makes you want to go on USTREAM and cry on camera.
It gets weirder. Again in Tips, he poses the following creepy rhetorical question: "What would happen to me if I was accused of the same allegations as Ben [presumably Roethlisberger]? (Hey, I'm just asking)." Something on your mind, Chad? Everything OK? Why are you doing this?
And the pièce de résistance: a GPS function. That's right: At any moment, you can know exactly where Ochocinco is in the world. This is the sort of self-absorption wrought by Foursquare and the like, but amped up to the nth degree. How sad is it to think that Ochocinco goes from town to town, loudly declaring himself at every stop but quietly pining — over a little Bublé and an OK! Magazine — for that special someone?
2. The Ochocinco News Network Is A Sham
If you've ever had the pleasure of following Chad Ochocinco on Twitter, you should be familiar with the OCNN. If you aren't, it's essentially his platform for announcing whatever flits across the transom of his mind — something about Dancing with the Stars , or a phone conversation with Will Smith, or whatever.
Well, disappointingly, these are not part of the OCNN on his app. Rather, if one were looking for the latest news on Ochocinco and navigated over to that part of the app, one would be greeted with a streamlined feed of Yahoo! Sports news. Because there's not an app for that already or anything.
3. Floyd Mayweather Is A Bit Of A Boaster
Mayweather is a great boxer, even though he might be something of a wuss, and his app is designed to combination-punch that notion into your cerebral cortex. This is mostly accomplished in the Facts section.