John Cusack, Chris Chelios and Eddie Vedder Walk Into A Ballpark...

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•The celebrities were out in force to watch the Cubs lose again, falling to 15 games below .500 for the first time since 2006. The excellently-named-for-baseball Thomas Diamond made his major league debut, and was decent, but not decent enough to overcome the indecency of Chicago Cubs baseball. Thanks to Baberaham Lincoln (not his real name) for the pic)

•Ndamukong Suh ends his brief holdout, signing with Detroit for $68 million, $40 million guaranteed. That's ridiculous money for someone who hasn't even put on pads this year. That's like paying Albert Haynesworth...okay, bad comparison.

• The Red Sox and Indians cleared the benches after some back-and-forth inside pitches, but no punches were thrown. And we all know it's not a true basebrawl until some relief pitcher jogs in from the bullpen swinging wildly, two minutes after everything has calmed down.

•It's looking increasingly like Boston will be the sixth stop on the Shaqgical Mystery Tour. Shaq being the one player in the league who can actually raise the Celtics' average age.

• The big NBA dates were announced last night. Opening day: Miami at Boston, Houston at the Lakers. Christmas Day's showcase games will be Miami-L.A. and Boston-Orlando. Your best chances to watch LeBron and Co. lose, on national TV!

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It's morning in America.