The Official Jewish Response To The James Shields Conspiracy Theory

A nice lady called a Tampa sports talk radio show and argued that Shields is starting game 2 only because he's Jewish, and the Rays' Jewish ownership made it happen. Shields isn't actually Jewish, but never mind that.

"He's not a very good pitcher," said Linda, who thinks that he's only starting over Matt Garza because "he's a Jewish person." That's a strong accusation. We needed to get the official ZOG response. As one of the Jews who control the media, I spoke to the Jews who control sports (not Selig [Or Bettman or Stern, for that matter.]) Here's what they had to say.

"Oh please. We may have many tentacles throughout the sports world, but even we're not making that 2-hour drive through rush hour traffic to the Trop to keep an eye on the Rays. We much prefer the weather in Miami anyway.

As for the Rays' 'Jewish ownership' forcing Joe Maddon's hand on this, have you seen how much money Sternberg, Silverman and Friedman have been putting into the team the last few years? That's not our way.

Look, if we wanted our way, we could have it. We created the DH position just so Ron Blomberg would have a job. We fixed Rod Carew up with our wife's niece — such a nice girl. We brought down Youkilis this year because he forgot to call his mother.

We're responsible for a lot of horrible things in sports. The BCS? Us. Keeping instant replay out of baseball? All us. The Bears' o-line? You better believe it.

But trust us when we say we've got nothing to do with the Rays' personnel moves. If we did, Gabe Kapler would be hitting cleanup tomorrow."

So there you have it.