Reading other people's Fantasy Football stories are usually boring, but poor reader Scott S's running diary of his nut-punching loss thanks to last night's touchdown parade by The Best Football Player In The Universe Ever is quite enjoyable. Enjoy the misery.
I sit here writing email to you 5 minutes to 9 p.m. CST. As of 7:30 CST, I had a commanding 154.65-75.73 lead with my opponent having both Michael Vick and Desean Jackson yet to play. Now a lead like this allows an avid fantasy football player to sleep well that Sunday night despite his opponent haveing a QB and WR in the Monday Night Game against na air quote defense like the Washington Redskins.
Now it's 9:00 pm cst with 5:08 left in the 2nd quarter and Donovan just threw a pick, another chance for Michael Vick to take the field. I currently sit with a 154.65-129.76 lead. If I win then this email goes for not and it's mid game rambling, however I am going to lose, I know it.
Eagles in Red Zone, 2nd and Goal 3:40 left. 154.65 - 132.00 lead
Vick just scored a rushing TD. 154.65 - 138.60 lead.
Now I have to sit and stay awake and watch this demonstration on how not to tackle (LaRon Landry, really? and don't blame this on the hit rule) Also, Rocky McIntosh you can't flex for the stands after you blind side the Quarterback down 35 - 0, you look like an idiot.
Right now It's 42-14 in the first half. I get to listen to Cheeks,Tirico (my dad's black twin), and Gruden ramble on about how giving McNabb 5 years and $78M was a good investment (so was the Jay Cutler for Kyle Orton trade, you think it may work, but you're only kidding yourself.) This lead me to think, If Dan Snyder is just handing out cash to , why not give money to the only person effected by the travesty of a Football game. Give some money to a 25 year who has to wake up at 6 am to go to work and has to sit and watch this garbage, I should've been able to have played COD: Black Ops, killed some commies and nazi zombies, smoked a bowl, put on netflix and fallen asleep. Instead, but I sit glued to MNF on TMZ, sorry I mean ESPN.
You may ask yourself how I got here, let me just say I played Carson Palmer instead of Kyle Orton. Carson helped Indy to their first 3 pick game since my Bears in the 2006 Super Bowl (not sure if that's true). I could get into all my fantasy move debacles but I finished 2nd last year and had a better team then the guy who won, and this year I sit at 5-4 in 5th place, 3rd in points (it pays too). I'm from Chicago, live, breathe and sleep Chicago Sports (Bears, Bulls, Hawks, Cubs) and I make fantasy football moves like Jim Hendry.
Anyway, using Deadspin (hopefully, please?) I would like to ask Mr. Snyder, Mr. Shannahan, Mr, Haynesworth, Mr. Hall, Mr. McNabb, and the entire Washington Redskin organization to help me with the emotional distress I am currently suffering through.
I'd first like to call out DeAngelo Hall. Hi, how are you? You officially can remove your jersey from the Hall of Fame. Your coverage tonight was disgraceful. I think they took a Cutler INT away from you because of the way you played.
Mr. Shannahan and Son. Gonna be awkward when you get fired (which one? lookin at you sonny boy) in the mean time, Nice game plane. Did you forget you had an extended week and that you're the Monday Night Game and not the Thursday Night Game?
Donovan McNabb and Albert Haynesworth. Share the wealth, you both know you do not deserve half the money you are now making. Donovan if this was 2004 it still would be a questionable signing, and that's six years into your career at your peak. Albert, I just watched you get pancaked, sad. How about you guys help me with a new car, I think that would be fair. Infiniti G35, black on black... actually, let's goGMC tahoe, need space for my snowboard.
Jim Haslett and the Redskins defense. I want a hand written and signed apology from each and every one you, it's seriously the least you can do. I mean seriously, 80 point lead for crying out loud. You gave up the most points to a road team in the first half in history of the NFL, congrats!
Finally, Dan Snyder. Mr. Snyder since you are in the giving mood I am asking you to pay off my $360 credit card, as well as pay my rent for the 2011 year. I'm serious. Did you just watch your team give up 45 points in the first half. You handed out $40M guaranteed a mere hours before game time. I had a guaranteed win until your Freshman B team went out there. Actually, this was your Bill George Youth League Silver Division. I thought Matt Millen was the worst GM in the stadium. I was as wrong about that as I was about an 80 point lead. (YES, I do realize it was in fact 78.92, but let's round up, like pi)
I think this is fair, don't you?
Right now it's half time and the Eagles ( I hate you Philly, so happy we beat you for the Stanley Cup) leading 45-14.
I have a 154.65 - 140.84 lead.
I bet I lose, any takers?
All I ask is that this fantastic web site known as Deadspin.com prints my pain and angst so it can be shared with my fellow fantasy football players. Hell, share this with everyone because this may be the biggest fantasy football comeback in history.
Start of 3rd Qtr, wish me luck
Well, 10:04 pm and it happened. It's over. I'm 5-5, grinding for a playoff spot.
154.65 - 152.76
Unless Andy Reid has super walrus power and knows I am only up 1.89 points and pulls Vick and Desean Jackson.
McNabb throws a pick 6, keep on sideline.
Is this really going to happen? I was joking when I wrote this now it's coming to fruition.
End of 3rd Qtr (10:20 pm cst)
154.65 - 153.10
Dan Snyder, you best pray both of them get pulled otherwise get your check book ready. Actually, if you would like just give me the money your defense was going to make this game. Seriously, pay me instead of your Defense for this game. That's all I ask. Actually your defenses money and a hand written apology. It's the least you could do.
VICK ALMOST THREW A PICK, C'MON MAN. IT WAS THERE FOR THE TAKING
Looking back I could've probably picked up Keiland Williams instead of Cadillac Williams, but like I said Hendry. I mean Orton against KC or Palmer against Indy? I think most of you would've done the same... until you realize Orton comes of the bye and Carson actually does suck.
Keiland Williams just scored Philly gets the ball back, please Kevin Kolb and no Desean. One Time FTW. Please Walrus-Man
Wow Andy Reid, really? You're up 59-28. Vick has given it his all throws on first down and just completed a pass to Desean Jackson WHO FUMBLES.... recovered by Philly
154.65 - 154.85
It's official. I have lost. Dan Snyder, your move