Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Healthy young buck Frank Gore is out for the season after fracturing his hip, which is a total old person injury. Good thing the Niners have a durable backup like...hmmm...Brian Westbrook? Okay, never mind.
•Miami beats the last-place Wizards, behind 20, 26 and 30 from Bosh, Wade and LeBron respectively. Yes, it's news every time the Heat win now.
•Boise St. kicker Kyle Brotzman has been the target of Broncos fans' ire for his two missed field goals, receiving online taunts and harassing phone calls. If you want to be a bigtime program, Broncos, overreacting like that is a great way to start.
•Not a good week for Tom Brady. First the male pattern baldness thing, and now it's announced that he'll be shilling for Ugg Boots. You know, those fur-topped bulky things that girls used to wear with miniskirts until they realized how stupid it looked? Anyway, Tom's not just doing it for the money. He's doing it because "he's been a longtime fan and wearer of Uggs anyway."