Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Every sportswriter has a pet cause, one he brings up again and again and again until you want to punch him in the face. For Peter King, it's getting Ed Sabol in the Hall. For Simmons, it was getting HORSE at the NBA All-Star Game. For Gregg Easterbrook, it's exterminating the Jews. Once a sportswriter has a pet cause, he won't let that shit go until it's resolved.
I am not immune to this. I have a pet cause as well. And that pet cause is getting NFL football back on TV during Saturday afternoons in December. It has now been five years since the NFL last played an afternoon game on a Saturday in December. Those Saturday games used to be a mainstay of the NFL schedule, until the NFL abruptly dropped them after they decided to stage a Saturday Night game instead. I never understood the logic of that decision. It's not as if Saturday afternoon games would have cannibalized the night game. I am like a good running back: My laziness grows stronger as the games wear on. Nevertheless, the NFL dropped those afternoon games. And this year, they're only staging ONE Saturday night game, which is the Christmas Night game this week between Dallas and Arizona. BARF.
I asked Mike Florio if the NFL would ever consider bringing those games back onto the schedule. Here's what he said:
I doubt it — Saturdays in December are a ratings wasteland.
And yes, that's true. But here's the thing: They still stage wild card and divisional playoff games on Saturdays, don't they? So why the fuck can't they throw us a bone and stage a couple of regular season games on Saturday as well? Furthermore, the NFL isn't robbing their Sunday by staging two Saturday games. It's just one more revenue stream to crassly exploit during the course of the season. It takes NOTHING away.
Maybe Saturdays are a ratings wasteland, but that's because there's no fucking football on. Look at this article the Times ran on the NFL's ratings the other day. The NFL is invulnerable to virtually every downward ratings trend of the past decade. People can't get enough of this shit. If there's an NFL game to watch on Saturday at 4PM, I'm not gonna say to myself, "No, wait! It's Saturday! I don't watch TV on Saturday! THAT'S DREW'S QUIET TIME!" Fuck that. I am fully on board and ready for sloth. Because as it stands right now, my December Saturdays are a gigantic void of SUCK.
Now, the NFL isn't the only party to blame for this. College football also deserves your scorn. December is the time of month when fucktarded people like Jim Delany decide to spend four weeks wiping their ass with potential playoff profits. Jim Delany is a stupid, arrogant, pathetic excuse for a human being. And he probably fucks cows. Anyone who favors the BCS over a college playoff is essentially saying they don't enjoy the sport of football, because they're willing to wait FIVE GODDAMN WEEKS between one meaningful college game and the next. Only Proposition Jason Whitlock is stupid enough to support a system like that.
The NFL has the product available right now to correct this problem. All Roger Goodell has to do is throw down his Ginger Hammer and PRESTO! Saturday afternoon NFL football returns in a relative snap. But he shows no inclination of doing so. Calling him names and threatening to poop on his lawn hasn't worked. So I'm forced to go with the nuclear option here.
/gets on knees
PLEASE. Please, sir. I'm begging you. It's December. It's very cold, and I don't have anything to do. These two kids I live with? They're fucking INSANE. All they do is fight and yell and grab the same toy when there are HUNDREDS of other fucking toys lying around that they could easily access without a struggle. Please, sir. YOU ARE KILLING ME. December shouldn't be a time bereft of football. I shouldn't have to turn on my TV on Saturdays before the New Year and see fucking Dick Vitale. That is wrong and utterly inappropriate. This should be the time when football really gets going, when there are two triple-headers every weekend and I'm free to stuff all the Cheez-Its into my facehole that I like. Don't deprive me of that pleasure. Why would you do that? Is it because you're a Socialist? It is, isn't it? YOU WANT US TO LIVE BY YOUR RULES AND BEG FOR TOILET PAPER STAMPS. YOU RED CUNT. YOU ARE EVIL. GIMME MY FUCKING FOOTBALL BACK DAMN YOUR EYES!
I think I've made my point. Merry Christmas, gang! Onto the Jamboroo.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Saints at Falcons: In case you missed it, here's Lance Moore's touchdown from last week versus the Ravens.
So, so awesome.
Giants at Packers: How do you not fire Matt Dodge after what happened last week? What does he have to do to get cut, skeet up Tom Coughlin's nose? Are they fucking insane? CUT HIM. CUT HIS ASS AND LEAVE HIM HOMELESS AND DESTITUTE. Not cutting him is why you lost last week, you shitheads!
Jets at Bears: It was snowing on the FOXBOX graphic last week. And they changed the little timeout lights to colored Christmas bulbs. SO PRETTY!
Colts at Raiders: The NFL still hasn't done anything about the fact that its replay system is essentially at the mercy of what the TV network director decides to show in the replay for a few seconds before a coach decides to challenge a call. As it stands now, a head coach can either challenge call on instinct (horrible idea), or if a player wants it (also a horrible idea), or he can call up to someone in the booth who's watching the game feed and ask if the call should be challenged. But if the network doesn't show a decent angle in that moment, the head coach has to either burn a timeout to decide or put the flag away. That's some heavy bullshit.
49ers at Rams: I read John Ortved's Simpsons biography this week, and the book is written as an oral history (as the upcoming ESPN expose is). I can't read any oral history without immediately imagining one written with myself as the subject.
Mrs. O'Dell: 4th Grade Teacher: Every Friday someone brought donuts to homeroom. And you always saw Drew's eyes light up when that happened. It was like Christmas every week for him.
How much would you pay to have someone write an oral history of your life? Or make a high-quality documentary about you? I'd pay at least seven dollars. Totally worth it.
Seahawks at Bucs: It snowed here the other day and I was driving down the street when I had to stop. And when I did, the car's anti-lock braking system kicked in. There are few things more thrilling than feeling the ABS kick in on a snowy road. What's going on? Oh man! IT'S THE ABS! HANG ON, BITCHES! THIS COULD GET WILD! Then the car comes to a secure stop and the rush is gone.
Redskins at Jaguars: I play a lot of Old Maid with my kid. I can't believe they still allow Old Maid to be called Old Maid. OH NO! I GOT STUCK WITH THE OLD MAID! She's old and ugly and infertile and not good marriage material at all! There should be a companion offensive card game called Special Ed Student. NO! I got stuck with the Special Ed Student! He smells funny!
Bills at Patriots: From that NYT article linked above comes this paragraph:
For the last two weeks, on regional games with smaller audiences, (Fox) has played a musical score in accompaniment with the coverage of the games.
The idea, Fox contends, could be the next big innovation in television football coverage because the audience is growing more accustomed to having music with every form of entertainment.
They are? Since when? Where is the focus group study that produced this little dingleberry of consumer insight? Because I certainly don't need music played constantly under a football game. They started doing that with SportsCenter highlights years ago and it fucking RUINED that show. I don't need music with every goddamn thing I watch. Haven't Seahawks fans suffered enough? FOX executives are apparently spending too much time at regular season NBA games, dammit.
Titans at Chiefs: I'm one of those strange people that always wanted to have their appendix removed. Anytime I was a kid and some other student had their tonsils or appendix removed, I was insanely jealous. Seemed like a great way to get attention. I was an odd child.
My aunt suffered from a burst appendix just a few weeks ago. As you know, you're supposed to get your appendix removed when it's inflamed, BEFORE it bursts. But she didn't get it out in time, and the burst appendix nearly killed her. So my lust for an appendix rupture has cooled considerably.
Browns at Ravens: I went to a restaurant that had mussels last week, and there are few more thrifty menu items to order at a restaurant than the mussels. Yes, mussels are dirt cheap and restaurants make a good profit on them from the markup. But you can make a meal for four people out of one stupid plate of mussels if they give you enough broth. I must have ordered seventeen breadbaskets to soak up the juice. It was a delight.
Lions at Dolphins: The Dolphins are genuinely unpleasant to watch. The Lions may be worse, but I'd watch the Lions play a hundred times before I subjected myself to the Dolphins. Watching the Dolphins is like watching gay Greek porn.
Vikings at Eagles: I know most people here can't stand Joe Buck, and Lord knows I've bitched about him on occasion. But I dare say that Buck seems to have heard the criticism that he's lifeless during games, because he was quite spirited during that DeSean Jackson punt return.
It's almost as if Joe wouldn't rather be at a Cardinals game! Not bad! I could watch the replay of that return 500 times. And I have! Still the damndest thing I've ever seen. Elias Sports Bureau says it's the only regulation walkoff punt return TD in NFL history. Holy balls.
Deion noted on Sunday night that dropping the punt initially helped Jackson break the return because when you drop a punt or kickoff, the kicking team will abandon their lanes to converge on the ball. And it's true. How many times do you see a returner drop the ball, scaring the piss out of you, and then bust a huge return? There's gonna be a day when a special teams coach tells his return man to drop the kick on purpose, as a strategic ploy.
Panthers at Steelers: This is the game tonight. Looks like gift wrapping night for me!
By the way, never wrap your gifts on the floor. AGONY.
Cowboys at Cardinals
Texans at Broncos
Chargers at Bengals
CANNIBAL CORPSE SONG OF THE WEEK!
"Orgasm Through Torture," by Cannibal Corpse! Yes, no Christmas Jamboroo would be complete without our annual tribute to Buffalo's finest death metal band. Trim your tree, sit by the fire with your family, and warm your cockles to some of the most heartfelt lyrics ever composed. OBSERVE!
The skin is peeled off my dick
Done with a razor blade
She begins to suck
Blood and cum amok
She rips my cock off with her teeth
Masticate, gnawing and chewing the stump
She regurgitates, I'm covered in my bloody chunks
Oh, that is so HOT. You play this song on a first date and sparks will fly, along with various severed body parts. And why stop with the Cannibal Corpse discography? Remember, this is one of the most influential bands of the past two decades. They've spawned numerous imitators who make music that sound pretty much exactly like every Cannibal Corpse song. Chief among those torchbearers? DYING FETUS, the band that really takes its name to heart and sings numerous loving songs about newborn mutilation. Songs titles like:
-"Tearing Inside The Womb"
-"Vomiting the Fetal Embryo"
-"Raped on the Altar"
-"Kill Your Mother/Rape Your Dog" (a bit trite, if you ask me)
So go out an explore your death metal this holiday season. You never what you might find. Probably a dead baby, but that's not all bad!
Christmas Song Of The Week!
"Oh Holy Night"! So pretty! This is the one song they don't let you sing in Church on Christmas Eve. They always keep this one reserved for the one kickass soprano in the choir up on the balcony. It's basically the church people saying, "Listen, we know you people in the pews butcher every song we give you. But you are NOT gonna screw up the best one of the bunch. You will sit there and listen to this in silence and you will like it." And I do. Only part of the church service I genuinely enjoy.
By the way, I got some decent hate mail for this column. Of those angry letters, I liked this one the best.
Luke2: 10, 11—But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good tidings of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born for you; He is Christ the Lord."
Thanks be to God, for His generous, gracious, gift of Jesus!
This is a Christian country founded by religious people. If you do not know this, look up your history.
Why don't you go to a nice socialist country, like Cuba, or a Muslim country where I'm sure they love to use the F word.
Your lack of education is evident. When an ignorant person has nothing to say, he or she injects profanity always. You are a disgrace to your parents, if you even had a father.
I didn't actually have a father. I was conceived immaculately. FOR I AM THE LORD CHRIST AND I HAVE ARISEN FOR YE.
Fantasy Player That Deserves A Quick Finger In The Ass
Adrian Peterson, who fucked over half the free world on Monday by being a last-second scratch. It's one thing to be a late scratch for a 1PM game. You still have options at that point. But once it's Monday, you are FUCKED IN THE ASS. This is why all Monday inactives should be declared one day in advance.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's picks of Oakland, Tampa and Chicago were 2-1. The Jamboroo is now 26-11 on the season. Again, we pick three teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you want to commit suicide as well. This week, the picks are Pittsburgh, San Diego, Philly, and automated phone responses that lie. I called a health insurance company the other day with a question. The automated system told me all operators were busy and that, if I chose, I could elect to have the company automatically call me back once an operator became free. Well, that seemed nice. So I said yes and then hung up. Eight minutes later, the company calls back, tells me an operator is ready for me, and then puts me on hold for fifteen minutes.
KILL GAS ORGASM THROUGH TORTURE
So, so angry.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Oakland getting 3.5 points at home against Indianapolis. I see NPR's resident Jew harridan Nina Hateschristiansberg apologized for using the term "Christmas Party" on television last week. No, Nina. I am the one who's sorry. Sorry that I will have to now rise out of the sea and bite you and drag you under the water and have you brined and cured and made into pickled Jew snacks! NPR IS FOR GUTLESS PUSSIES WHO EAT QUINCE PASTE!"
2010 Nazi Shark Record: 9-5-1
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Jerry sends is a story I call MEN AT POOP:
My friend's dad Will was part of a 3 man garbage crew. The crew consisted of himself, a friend of his, and a much younger and much bigger Asian man. He was described a big coked out Asian dude. Every day the coked out Asian dude would steal the friends lunch and eat it pretty blatantly. Due to size and fear of YaYo rage nothing was done about this the first few times it happened.
Eventually Will was enlisted by his friend in a scheme to get this guy back. Before their shift one day they managed to procure some dog doo, slathered the chunkiness in between two slices of bread, wrapped it up, placed it inside a brown bag. The two co-conspirators understood that lunch would either be eaten in a garbage truck or at the dump. This means that the smell of the Doberman droppings would not give itself away prior to consumption because the stench would be covered by the smell of garbage. When lunch came around, this is precisely what happened. The coked out Asian dude got a few bites in before realizing he was eating a shit sandwich. At this point he yelled at the friend "You're sick why did you put shit in this sandwich" to which the friend responded, "why the fuck are you stealing my shit sandwich then." Justice never tasted so Poopey.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Wade Phillips (FIRED!)
Brad Childress (FIRED!)
Josh McDaniels (FIRED!)
Welcome back Eric Mangini to the chopping block, everyone. You knew he'd be back here sooner or later. We're gonna have at least seven coaches fired this year, which makes a bigger haul that last year's pathetic total. It's like the greatest Christmas gift of all!
You are going to see some odd hirings this offseason, mark my words. Owners will be too cheap to pay big names like Bill Cowher because of the threat of the lockout, so don't be shocked when the Bengals hire Jerry Glanville and pay him strictly in leather goods.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes! Oh, God. So good. So very, very good. This is what they should feed you at Communion. Two layers of vanilla cake stuffed with crème and coated in white chocolate frosting that may or may not be candle wax? MOAR PLEEZ.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
BIG FLATS LAGER! From reader JohnnyDakotaStateU comes this beer that looks like it was created strictly to be a design on a $5 Old Navy t-shirt.
$3.79 for a sixer at Walgreens. "It's the water that makes it." Makes it what? We'll never know.
It's the water that makes it so watery! Duh! That's an amazing can. Just a huge clusterfuck of bad fonts. And the water wheel! It's like someone stole it from a riverboat. I love the GENUINE BEER note on the bottom. Because so often, I'm tricked into buying imitation beer from Haiti. They also crammed a mountain into the background. Mountains are crucial, as always. I MUST HAVE IT. I feel like playing Oregon Trail when I look at that can. The graphics are about on par.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP is Tom Brady of the Patriots! Everyone in this town has their Mel Gibson story. Brilliant? YOU BET! Crazy enough to make pentagrams of smeared feces on the set? OH YES! Well, I've got a doozy for you. Now, I had never worked with Mad Max personally on anything until the late eighties, when I got together with Goldie Hawn and sketched an outline for a sequel to their hit Bird On A Wire. My thought was that the sequel could be Monkey On a Wire. Why not? It's got a monkey. It's got wires. IT CAN'T MISS! A SUREFIRE HIT! We were gonna have Clint direct it, since this was at the tail end of his chimp phase. Well, Goldie was on board, and we scheduled a meeting at Icon with Mel to see if he was a go for the project.
"Now, if you've ever been to the Icon offices, you know that Mel had the place decorated with severed limbs of anonymous US soldiers that have been lacquered and mounted on plaques. Very disconcerting. So we get in there, and I'm looking at all these arms and legs and scrotums and I'm thinking, ‘Evans! What did you get yourself into, baby?' We sit down in the conference room and Mel is there. He has no shirt on. He's drinking brandy straight from the bottle. And he's got a banana resting right on naked chest. YOU TALK CREATIVE! He takes one look at me and he says to Goldie, ‘Uh uh. No way. Not him.'
"‘What's wrong?' Goldie asks.
"‘You know damn well what's wrong,' he said. ‘I don't work with his kind.'
"‘Oh, Mel,' she says. ‘You know I'm half-Jewish!'
"‘But you're not as Jewish as he is,' he screams at her. Then he walks up to me, pulls his pants down, and whips out his penis. And, I swear to you, the penis has a nail going straight through it. A big one! Looked like it had been there forever! He definitely needed to have it checked. And he says to me, ‘You people lack dedication.' And he storms out of the office!
"Well, I'm speechless. I have no clue what to say. I'm just in shock. AND IT TAKES A LOT TO SHOCK EVANS! Then Mel walks back in three minutes later and he's laughing his ass off! And Goldie starts in too! And I say what is the Hell is going on?
"‘I pranked you good!' Mel says.
"‘So that's not a real nail?' I say.
"‘Oh, it's real. You would not believe how much mileage I've gotten out of this baby!'
"And he just keeps on laughing like a madman! So I start laughing, too. Go with flow, right?
"‘So we're good to make the movie?' I say.
"‘No way,' he says. ‘You're still a Christ-killer. But wasn't that a great prank?!'
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Panthers Fans
A Christmas Story. Anyone else immediately go stick their tongue on a flagpole after watching Flick do it? I was an easily influenced child.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Sir, I must strongly advise you: Do not purchase this. Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. I, myself, was once president of Algeria."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Jessica Canizalez. All women's sweaters should work this way.
-For the gals: Jim from Outsports sends in this photo of Aussie football player Kayne Lawton. In skimpy undies!
Enjoy the games, everyone. And a Merry Christmas to you and yours.