Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.(PHOTO:)

• Want Super Bowl credentials? Grease the accomplice of three people who allegedly stole a laptop from a car outside Joe's Crabshack in Arlington, Texas, and you can be Joe Buck's sidekick for a day. [Fox Dallas]

• The Philadelphia Eagles found their "redheaded scapegoat" in Sean McDermott. [Philly.com]

• Albert Pujols' agent says the Cardinals better quietly have an acceptable deal in place before Spring Training or, well, he didn't say "else." [STL Today]

• Golfer Dustin Johnson says he didn't pull out of a tournament because of lady troubles. In fact, he says he hasn't even had a ladyfriend for months. [CBS Sports]

• Tony Stewart allegedly pulls a reverse Russell Crowe by fightin' with the Sydney Speedway co-owner.

It is believed that Stewart, who is racing for a team owned by Morris' business partner and Australian speedway legend Garry Rush, had issues about track conditions after a Hot Lap session and made them known to Morris. A helmet and punches were rumored to be thrown and exchanged during the alleged altercation. [Speedcafe.com.au]

• Tottenham vs. Manchester United at 11:10 a.m. eastern. [Telegraph] Tevez had a stellar goal vs. Wolves of the two he scored yesterday (0:52) ...
Click to view<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/foxsoccer/video?vid=b2c02169-a80a-4af7-afa2-b6af8360dc4c" target="_new" title="">PL Highlights: Man City/Wolves</a>

• Will Allen, flop artist. [Yahoo Sports]

• Dirk Nowitzki done goofed. [Dallas Morning News]

• Someone one the Islanders got a hat trick! Someone on the Islanders got a hat trick! Tres bon! [CNNSI]

• If "more Gus Johnson than ever before" is your thing, so is Big Ten Basketball this year.

• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … Fighting Blue Hens ladies basketball win [News Journal]. ... And so do we all when ladies fight on a bus [WETV].

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Morning. So glad you could make it.