Time for Part Two of our Tournament hatefest. Miss Part One? You can read it right here, muchacho.
Also, it's St. Patrick's Day today. If you're looking to start a bar fight, I suggest a simple tit grab. It never ceases to be effective.
1. Kansas: Kansas state representative Virgil Peck, who clearly stole his name from a shitty John Grisham novel, recently suggested that the state control their illegal immigrants by shooting them from helicopters, as the state does with feral hogs. When asked to explain his comment, here's what Peck said:
I was just speaking like a southeast Kansas person.
Oh, well then! That clears up EVERYTHING. I was unaware that Southeast Kansas was an inland prison for people with special needs. Why the fuck would anyone from Kansas be mad about illegal immigrants? You know how lucky you idiots are that anyone would even WANT to come to Kansas? Any immigrant that ends up in Kansas is there because they read a poorly translated Lonely Planet guide. Kansas is a manure field with three barbecue stands. No one goes there ON PURPOSE. It's not even flyover country. Planes fly around it, just to make sure no traces of Kansas get on them. Kansas is fucked.
2. Notre Dame: Does hatred for Notre Dame football translate over to Notre Dame basketball? Why, yes! Yes, it does. Remember, this is the school that gave you Digger Phelps and Digger Phelps' hair. Watching Digger Phelps is like watching a videotape of your own lobotomy. Notre Dame is also home to Regis Philbin, who enjoys not giving money to his disabled son, and quitting shows that pay him $20 million to sit in a chair next to a hot chick for an hour 40 weeks a year. Great guy. Love Reege. I hope he chokes on a tube of Aspercreme.
And hey, do you like being the victim of either a rape or a horrible fall and having your school do everything possible to cover its ass? The Irish are there! Why, they'll even try and cover it up if you're raped WHILE falling. It's a fully comprehensive quashing program they've instituted at the school. What's that? Two members of the football team held down your mom and stabbed her in the throat? Really? Huh. We didn't hear anything about that!
3. Purdue: Twenty-two Purdue graduates have gone on to become astronauts. Which is impressive, until you find out that the other 439,783 Purdue graduates have all gone on to become Driver's Ed instructors. It's all or nothing at that school.
4. Louisville: Boy, I could really go for a blowjob caught on videotape. QUICK! Fetch me Nina Hartley's worst-looking third cousin. And make sure she's wearin' a cross! That means Jesus is cool with it!
Oh yeah. That's exactly what I was looking for. You talk about a kid who dives for the loose balls. If Louisville makes the Final Four, Coach Pitino is taking all of you out to Bertucci's for pizza and a hard fuck in the walk-in fridge. I understand Pitino likes to watch 9/11 footage while conducting any illicit affair. Really puts things into perspective for him.
5. Vanderbilt: Well, you're a waste of a slot. Couldn't they have just left the 5-seed in this bracket empty? Or put Northwestern in there just to make Jay Bilas' head explode? Vandy is the school you go to if you're a rich kid from Tennessee. And you can always tell the rich kids in Tennessee because their coonskin caps are made from REAL coon!
6. Georgetown: FACT: All Georgetown students are sent a comprehensive packing list before attending school. Mandatory items include:
-Penny loafers (no actual pennies tucked inside, please. Tassels are allowed)
-Framed portrait of George Will
-Wicker picnic basket
-Full genealogical map of family dating back to arrival of Mayflower
-Selection of lavish, expensive hats in case of emergency Preakness party
-12 Bow ties
-Coterie of Filipino manservants to be stored in dorm bike room
Georgetown students are massive cunts.
7. Texas A&M: Do you have a haircut that's uncomfortably short around the sides and just a touch flat on top? Could I transport you back to 1952 and have absolutely no there tell you're from the fucking future? Are you somewhat incompetent when it comes to bonfire construction? A&M has a letter of acceptance with YOUR name on it. And your name is Butch. I'm virtually certain of it.
8. UNLV: Fuck you, UNLV, for losing to Duke back in 1991. Look at what you did. FUCKING LOOK!
Look at those awkward white people jumping up and down, like someone just approved their lease on a new Honda Odyssey. That's all because YOU fucking choked. All you had to do was kick Duke's ass. Instead, you spent the whole night before trying to snort cocaine off the bottom of a filled hot tub. Assholes. ASSHOLES.
9. Illinois: This is Will Leitch's favorite school, and I must remind you that Will Leitch eats nothing but raisins and sleeps in a pool of warm cat piss every night. You people are fucking freaks.
10. Florida St.: Remember Pat Kennedy? He's still coaching, you know…
God, look at that hair. That's bribe-takin' hair. He looks like he's gonna swallow that basketball whole. Anyway, Florida State is the school you go to if you're into drugging girls in the library. It's very hard to stave off a sexual assault from a Florida St. frat brother, because they spend a majority of their childhood rasslin' cougars. Keep that whistle close to your body, people.
11. USC: Christ, you couldn't even beat VCU! How fucking pathetic is that? Well, it's for the best. After all, you USC kids are all so busy telling other people that their father works "in the industry." You can always spot a USC kid because they're the ones who are angriest about not being inside the club yet. FUCKING WHAT'S WITH THE WAIT, BRAH?! I KNOW DYLAN THE BARTENDER!
11. VCU: I have nothing to say about VCU. So I'd like to just take a moment to extend a hearty FUCK YOU to people who clog up the Facebook feed by posting status updates every four seconds. How is it that you can have a hundred friends on Facebook, and yet when you log on, you see the same motherfucker at the top of the page every time? Stop updating your feed so much, you Facebook hogs. I'd like to hear from other people. How many goddamn pictures can you take of yourself?
12. Richmond: As always, Richmond is the Hartford of the South. If downtown Richmond were evacuated due to a zombie apocalypse, you wouldn't notice the difference at all. It's like a ghost city. I keep expecting the buildings to just fall down due to prolonged disuse.
13. Morehead St.: Phil Simms went to Morehead State, which means this is apparently the school you go to if you want to learn how to talk like a ferret trapper. I CAUGHT 'EEM! I CAUGHT 'EEM, PA!
14. St. Peter's: St. Peter's is a Jesuit school, and many people out there aren't quite sure of the difference between Jesuits and Catholics. Well, as a trained theologician, I think I can help. Established in 1603 by a man named Clay Flaggerbosh, Jesuits believe that homosexuality is okay, but that bisexuality is gluttonous. They also forbid eating any food that has a juicy of liquid center, like molten chocolate cakes and Tidal Wave bubble gum. Jesuits are also encouraged to steal traffic signs, because they believe they try and redirect God's will. Jesuit teenagers WILL put out, but only by candlelight. Fucking under artificial lights is a big no-no.
15. Akron: LeBron James is your king. So I assume your town is filled with overly entitled douchebags who have absolutely no awareness of their own shortcomings.
16. Boston U.:
FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU, NCAA! We did nawt deserve a fackin' 16-seed! These Terriahs fight hahhhhd! They have ow-ah legendary Bawston grit! I saw two of ow-ah playahs push a Korean to the ground last week! THAT'S THE KINDA WAR-AH THEY BRING TO THE TABLE! They ahhh table bringahs!
And to you phony Irish people out they-ah, stawp celebrating ow-ah hawliday! That is ow-ah day to get drunk and punch ow-ah fackin' garlfriends! Don't go co-awpting it! HOUSE OF PAIN IS IN EFFECT!
1. Pitt: You could time Daylight Savings with this school losing in the Sweet 16. Watching Pitt choke in the middle rounds is a rite of spring, not unlike your first beer outside, or your first day grilling, or seeing old people bust out the flip flops. April truly is the cruelest month.
2. Florida: Also known as Southern South Carolina, Florida is the school you go to if your only talent is making spiked punch.
3. BYU: I think we all know that Mormons are a tribe of a creepy inbred circus performers whose beliefs fall somewhere just behind Scientology on the Lunacy Scale. This is why they cast out Brandon Davies for having the stones to follow his heart and plow a chick mid-season. I don't question BYU giving Davies the boot. That's just kooky BYU being kooky BYU.
But to every asshole radio host and broadcaster out there who applauded BYU from afar for sticking to its dopey little honor code: FUCK YOU. What the fuck are you so happy about? A kid made a mistake and got branded with a Scarlet Penis for it. And somehow you think this is a heartwarming tale? As if BYU sticking to its honor code somehow elevates sports? That is such tired bullshit. The hackiest of hacks are the dipshits out there who still think sports should be some kind of imaginary bastion of American morality, with players and schools doing shit "the right way." It's a wet dream that the likes of Colin Cowherd still cling to like a blue blanket, and it's fucking pathetic. Eat shit and die.
4. Wisconsin: Oooh! Oooh! Do you ever watch basketball and think to yourself, "Hey! I really wish this were more like soccer!", then do I have the team for you! Quick passin'! Bad shootin'! A style of play that feels slower than your average 8th grade French class! That's Wisconsin! You see, the reason the Badgers play so slow is that the average Wisconsin resident weighs 670 pounds and has an eye reflex that is five times slower than that of the average American. So if the Badgers were to play too fast, their fans' big fat eyes wouldn't be able to keep up with the ball going up and down the court so quickly. They could herniate a jowl if that happened.
And let's not forget this charming column from Rick Reilly about coach Bo Ryan:
His wife of 32 years, Kelly (the one he talked out of marrying someone else), has agreed to a deal. Bo has to do no dishes, no cooking, no mowing, no cleaning, no vacuuming, no lightbulb-changing, no spider killing — nothing, "except win basketball games," she says. "As long as he keeps winning basketball games, he doesn't have to do anything around the house."
O.K., pushing around prisoners is one thing, but wives? Now that's impressive.
I know! I love how he's able to not do anything around the house to help make his wife's life easier! If only I had married a spineless pushover of a woman to slave over me while I go out and ruin the game of basketball!
5. Kansas St.: Aren't they on probation? I feel like they're on probation. Might be the Higgins Stench still wafting about. If they aren't on probation now, they probably will be within four months. Kansas St. is just that kind of place. It's never going to get noticed unless someone is cheating or some kind of truck bomb has been detonated on campus. FACT: Kansas State accepts so many junior college transfers, the school doesn't actually have a freshman or sophomore class.
6. St. John's: Remember when they recruited Felipe Lopez and he was supposed to be all awesome and what not? I was curious as to where Felipe is now, and it turns out he's a drag queen bartending at Lucky Cheng's in the East Village. His drag queen name is Dasha Adobo.
7. UCLA: They already found bikini shots of racist UCLA white chick…
But there's no way that girl hasn't also made a sex tape at some point, either privately or with the Bangbus collective. When you have a dye job that shitty, it just screams out I'VE BEEN FISTED ON CAMERA.
But racist white UCLA chick is teaching us all an important lesson, and that is that California people are RAYCESS. They totally are. White people from California fucking HATE Mexicans and blacks. I went to camp with a handful of kids from Los Angeles and they dropped the n-bomb all the time. And they totally thought they could get away with it because they skateboarded in empty pools and had long bangs. But they couldn't! They were just as RAYCESS as the kids from Cincy, and that's a whole lotta RAYCESS. So take care in hanging out with white people from Orange County, because they have a lot more Mississippi in them than you ever would have guessed.
Oh, and John Wooden is dead now. I'm told they used his earlobes to wrap his corpse. OOOH HE TAUGHT PLAYERS TO PUT ON THEIR SHOES! THAT'S SO SIMPLE AND BEAUTIFUL!
8. Butler: All you had to do was make one lousy shot at the end, Butler. That's all you had to do. It would have been the awesomest thing ever, and it would have prevented that fucking ORDER HAS BEEN RESTORED Nike ad that made me want to burn the state of Oregon to the ground. But you fucking BLEW IT. Way to give Duke their self-esteem back. What good are you now? You're just some random asshole school for Indiana kids who don't know how to cook meth yet. I don't ever want to see your face in this tournament again.
9. Old Dominion: Isn't this a women's college? I'm virtually certain it's a women's college.
10. Michigan St.: Somehow, Michigan State fucks me over every year either by getting to the Final Four when they weren't supposed to, or by losing in the early rounds when they were supposed to get to the Final Four. I'm tired of you people screwing with me like this. QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART.
By the way, Tom Izzo is fat now. He looks like he ate Steve Mariucci.
11. Gonzaga: Shouldn't they have made a Final Four by now? What a bunch of cockteases. I'm done finding Gonzaga adorable. It's gotten old. They're basically Pitt, only with a consistently lower seed. They're never getting to the Final Four. They're just gonna keep showing up every year and being all like, "Look at us! We're so small and cuddly? Won't you be ours?" And then they'll get crushed in one of the later rounds and we'll do it all over next year. Fuck you, Gonzaga. You're like a child star that Hollywood had no use for after puberty hit.
12. Utah St.: I assume this is where anyone who violates the BYU honor code gets sent. It's kind of a pre-Hell for those who breach the faith.
13. Belmont: Belmont is the largest Christian University in Tennessee. Be sure to hit up the campus in May, when they hold their annual "Bonfire of the Gays."
14. Wofford: I refuse to believe this is an actual college and not an upscale winter activewear store. Now at Wofford, all pea coats are five percent off!
15. UC Santa Barbara: FACT: All academic buildings UCSB are actually just plywoods sets, like what you'd see on a Hollywood set. The school itself is simply an open, grassy quad where young people can sun themselves and text each other cute messages for four years.
16. UNC-Asheville: Be sure to pronounce it "Aysh-veal," just like the locals. Do that while chewing on a piece of hay and you'll fit right in.
16. Arkansas-Little Rock: I'm out of steam, people. I have no more hate to give. I can't even begin to think of any kind of original hate for this school, just the usual mix of redneck jokes and playful jabs about its academic standing. I assume this is the school you go to if you like skeeting on public objects.
But I'm sure you all have some hate left in you. I'm sure, come 12:15pm today, you will be at the bar, filled with cheap and horrible beer, ready to randomly hate on any number of teams. And that's as it should be. The tournament it here. Get your hate going, everyone. And enjoy the games.
Image by Jim Cooke