This Quote Is Why Chris Berman Remains A Vile Piece Of Shit

I haven't been able to peruse the new ESPN book yet, as Daulerio and the others have, but I was struck dumb by a quote from the book that was excerpted by Richard Deitsch over at SI.com. This is what Berman said in regard to the NFL forcing the network to cancel its Playmakers series:

I'm a simple guy. I don't watch TV. I don't go on the Internet. So I never watched Playmakers, but I knew if the league was pissed, I probably should be pissed.

In his upcoming review of the book for SI, Jack McCallum writes, "Berman does not cover the NFL; he is the NFL," which makes me want to go hit a puppy with a hammer. Berman isn't the NFL. Berman isn't even close to being the NFL. The fucking NFL will live on for centuries after that fat piece of shit chokes to death on a baby back rib. Berman only THINKS he's the NFL, which is why he sucks.

Let's break down the full quote, which manages to pack so much awfulness into one tidy little space. Look at this goddamn thing.

"I'm a simple guy."

OK, anyone who tells you they're "a simple guy," is A.) lying, and B.) an asshole. It's the kind of mindless statement that a politician squeals out right before he gets caught fucking his maid on a pile of embezzled treasury bonds. I'm just a simple guy! I'm not complicated like those other guys out there, who like lots of different THINGS and what not. I'm a much more elemental, pure being. Like Jesus. He was a simple guy who liked rocking Hawaiian shirts and fucking anything a quarter of his age, was he not?

"I don't watch TV."

Again, only assholes say this.

"I don't go on the Internet."

And only dead Alaskan senators and retired Florida State coaches say this. So now we've established that Berman is arrogant, boorish, and completely out of touch with essentially everything. I don't go on those computubes! THAT'S FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE.

"So I never watched Playmakers, but I knew if the league was pissed, I probably should be pissed."

What the fuck? Hey, I never watched this show. But I knew if a bunch of assholes at the league office were yelling at my colleagues about it, then I probably should yell at them too! BECAUSE I AM THE LEAGUE. WE ARE RETARDED IN THE SAME WAY. YOU CANNOT SEPARATE THAT WHICH MAKES US RETARDED. I don't have to watch the show to know it's objectionable. I'm just a simple guy! I know in my gut that the show was wrong and that I needed to fall in line like a brainless lemming who has no opinions of his own!

Remember, this is the same Chris Berman who groused when his bosses wouldn't let him accept a Super Bowl ring from his buddy Eddie DeBartolo. This is the same Chris Berman who yells at the help. Berman is nothing more than a loudmouth shill who so ingratiated himself with NFL officials and tardbillies watching at home that he somehow has convinced both himself and his enablers in the sports media that he's some sort of unassailable institution. Well, he isn't. He's just an ignorant prick. And the day he leaves ESPN, ESPN will be much, much better off. Chris Berman eats ass.

ESPN goes under the knife with Those Guys Have All the Fun [SI.com]