Pac-12 Releases A Highfalutin Hype Video That Arizona State Students Won't Be Able To Understand

We've provided here the full transcription of the purplest and most thesaurus-dependent prose to ever grace a promotional video for a college football conference. College football is back, you guys. Let me rephrase that: college football is back with "an avant garde redesign of the competitive balance." That's better. Enjoy:

This is not the beginning of the story. Nor is it the end.

It is the new age of a cultural phenomenon.

The story of Pac-12 football is one of excellence and innovation. A relentless narrative that crystallized through the ages. Powerful. Moving. Uncompromising. Rhythmic drumbeats of differentiation echo generation after generation by trailblazing characters, radical rivalries, and iconic moments.

It's a story that inspires us over and over again.

And now, from 10 to 12: There is strength in numbers, as two preeminent universities join the ranks. One, a progressive powerhouse, stands shoulder-to-shoulder with the Rocky Mountains. The other, a panoramic heartbeat of this nation's 45th state. Undeniably prolific. Home of undefeated, and the MUSS. Colorado and Utah, where the game of football is in their blood.

Today the page turns. The storylines shift, as all eyes return to the west, where a procession of field marshals stands ready to re-illustrate the term "conference of quarterbacks." On the ground, there is raw, unnerving talent. Inexplicable blends of agility and electricity. Game-breakers in every region, every game.

But this conference, this story, this chapter, is not a one-sided affair. There are defensive masterminds, and shutdown systems that command a belligerent antithesis unlike anything we've seen before. And if that's not enough, an avant garde redesign of the competitive balance. Twelve teams. Two divisions. One champion. One mission.

This is more than a beginning. It is more than an end. It is the quintessential profile of what a modern conference can be. Welcome to Pac-12 football.

Previously: • A Video Of "Real World: Walnut Creek" Rejects Set To Agitating Music Introduces The Pac-12 To America • The New Pac-12 Can't Have Its Domain Name Because 2Pac Lives, Obviously

[H/T Dr. Saturday]