A Definitive Guide To Karaoke Manners

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering TV channels, sex scenes, emergency paternal blowjobs, and more.

TH:

What is protocol for singing the same song at karaoke each week? My wife, a bunch of our friends and I go to this fine drinking establishment once or twice a month for karaoke on Friday nights. We drink, we sing, it's great. That is, excepting the 20 or so combined minutes where this one couple sings. They sing every time we're there and they sing the same songs. The guy sings "Sweet Caroline" and "Brown Eyed Girl", and the woman invariably sings that terrible Bruno Mars song as well as "You're Beautiful" (terribly, I might add). Plus, as an added bonus, they sing "I Want It That Way" as a duet each week. Is that a karaoke foul, or would I be well within my rights to bash them over the head with my empty beer bottles every time they sing the same song?

I'm probably the wrong guy to answer this because I too have sung the same karaoke songs multiple times, namely "Jeremy," "Purple Rain," and "Wanted Dead or Alive". Although I only do karaoke once every few years, and not every goddamn week, so I can see how that would really get annoying after a while. I think, if you don't do karaoke very often, it's okay to have a couple of go-to songs, songs you know you can sing without fucking up. One time, I tried doing "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and I was totally off-key, and it was the worst thing anyone in the room had ever heard. It was so bad, I quit in the middle of the song because I could hear myself raping the song. It's not a good feeling to stand up on a stage and fuck up a song and KNOW you're fucking it up as you're doing it. I was right back to Pearl Jam the next week. EVERYONE can sing Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam is the rookie level of karaoke.

I don't think anyone should ever be allowed to do two karaoke songs in one night at a bar, especially if there's a big crowd at the bar that night. You get one song. After that, no one ever wants to see you again. You people that hog the karaoke stage week after week can go choke on a piano leg. Even if you're good at singing, you shouldn't double up at the karaoke bar. You're just showing off for everyone. You're like Gwyneth Paltrow at that point. Get a real band and make real music if you like singing that much.

Steve:

If you could choose only one TV channel for the rest of your life, which would you go with? It can be network, cable, premium, donkey porn, whatever, it just has to exist on TV. You can't watch anything online from other channels or services, so no Hulu, Netflix, etc. And you HAVE to watch that channel at all times, so you take the bad with the good. You'd have access to all that channel's programming, including original shows, movies, reruns, etc. Additionally, the network would still evolve and develop new shows; obviously you can't know what those new shows will be, you'd have to trust DrewTV to continue to produce shows of the same type/quality they have historically. So channels with a good track record (FX, AMC, HBO) would probably make more good shows, whereas CBS would make 500 more CSI spinoffs and awful sitcoms.

It's an impossible question, mainly because the NFL is split up over five separate networks. I'd say the Red Zone Channel is the MVP of TV channels, except that it doesn't feature any playoff football. And the Super Bowl rotates among three broadcast networks, so you'd only get one Super Bowl every three years if you picked one of those channels. HBO is great, but they only produce a finite amount of original programming each year (under your rules, you can still go to the movies). Same with AMC. Then there are all the food porn channels like Food Network, Cooking Channel (which, "Chopped" aside, may be better than Food Network), and Travel Channel (which has Bourdain's show). Food porn is more important to me than I'd care to admit, so one of those channels would also be in the running. I guess I'd pick Red Zone Channel, then FOX (because they have the NFC and my team is in the NFC), then CBS (because they have the AFC), then HBO. Last place would be DIY Channel.

By the way, every cable system has at roughly 45 useful channels and 2600 channels that are complete dogshit - shopping channels, religion channels, a random feed of a public access station in Belgrade, etc. And the useful channels are always scattered randomly about the awful channels, so that programming your favorites takes forever and so you always A) forget to add crucial networks, B) leave in shitty networks by accident, and C) accidentally include channels you don't have subscription rights to (Why can't I have Fox Movie Channel? Seems decent). This is annoying. Yes, I know it's better than living in fucking Afghanistan and it's a #whitewhine, but it's annoying.

Zeke:

Took me nine and 1/2 hours to build a simple cabinet set from Ikea yesterday. I wouldn't have lasted a week on the 1800's right?

Nope! In fact, I have an irrational fear of accidentally stepping into a portal that strands me two hundred years in the past with no way to get back. I often wonder how long I'd survive. I don't think I'd make it longer than a week. I'd have no way of gambling on sports that early in American history. I'd be raped by gangs of Indian scalpers. I'd die from something stupid like jock itch. It would be horrible. When I was a kid, they sent us to some bullshit olde tyme school for a day to learn like the fucking Pilgrims did or whatever, and you have to write stuff on a slate and the teacher dressed like an Amish person. It was the worst day of my life. Colonial Williamsburg close enough to my house for a day trip. I will NEVER go there.

Jamey:

Would you rather suck your dad's dick until he came or be paralyzed from the neck down?

The dad thing. And you'd pick the same thing. Don't tell me being Hawkinged is worth avoiding that shit.

Sean:

Have you ever thought about how much Helen Keller got laid? I like to imagine some couple out there is, right now, playing out their own Helen Keller roleplay fantasy.

According to this site, Keller nearly married a man named Peter Fagan. These are the details:

Helen was overwhelmed and depressed when Peter approached her. He took her hand tenderly and confessed his feeling towards her. He even told her that he hoped to marry her. Helen later wrote, "His love was a bright sun that shone upon my helplessness and isolation."

Helen was delighted. The two took walks together, enjoyed each other's company, and fell deeply in love. Helen wanted to tell her mother and (teacher) Annie about Peter, but he convinced her not to. He even applied for a marriage license. Before Helen could tell her mother of this, a newspaper article appeared and mentioned the marriage license application. Helen was taken to her sister Mildred's home in Alabama.

Peter managed to get letters to Helen in braille telling her of his plans for them to elope (run off and get married), and Helen did manage to sneak out of the house with her bags packed, but Peter never showed up. Helen had no way of knowing what happened. She was very disappointed and heartbroken, but she came to believe that it was for the best. She referred to this time of love as her "little island of joy," but Helen Keller would never marry.

Jeeeeeeesus. Excuse me for a moment while I weep uncontrollably for fifteen straight minutes. Poor Helen was pussyblocked by a newspaper article and, it would appear, her own mother, which is some heavy bulllllshit. Then when her elopement finally was about to come true, the guy pulls an In the Company Of Men on her. Just brutal. Do a shot for Helen this evening. She more than earned it. Thinking about her plight for more than two minutes makes me want to tear out my own soul.

David:

Saw this in northern Massachusetts (FACK YOU!)

A Definitive Guide To Karaoke Manners

Well played, Gimpy Masshole.

Rich:

What fictional character has been the subject of the most masturbatory fantasies in the history of mankind? I would look for some character from the 50s or 60s who had the benefit of mass media and re-runs, re-broadcasts, etc., and who has the lasting power to still generate some action today. Two women come to mind right away – Jeanie from I Dream of Jeanie and the cave-girl appropriated by Charlton Heston in the original Planet of the Apes.

Probably Red Riding Hood from the old Tex Avery cartoons. She was a feisty one, that riding hood. I think, at some point, it's hard for the garden variety masturbator to differentiate between whether or not he's masturbating to the actress or the character in question. For example, if you watch Basic Instinct, and you're masturbating to either Sharon Stone's character or Jeanne Tripplehorn's character, you probably aren't stopping to think about whether or not it's the real lady or the fictional one making you all tingly in the crotch. There's no time for that. There's only time for UNNNNGHHHHH OH SWEEET JESUS LEMME REWIND THAT COUCH SCENE AGAIN. So if you take all that into consideration, it's probably Pam Anderson's "Baywatch" character or something lame like that when it should probably be Tracy from Bachelor Party or Lacey Underall.

Rich's question brings up another one: What are the most heavily masturbated to non-porn movie scenes of all time? I have to think the list includes the following:

-Rebecca De Mornay's first sex scene in Risky Business
-The Wild Things threesome
-Swayze nailing Kelly Lynch in Road House
-Phoebe Cates taking off her top in Fast Times

All those scenes are old enough to have accumulated numerous jerk sessions through history, without Internet porn affecting their numbers. I'm also fond of the sex scene in Desperado, though I really wish it had been seventy minutes long instead of three seconds long. I hate fast sex scenes that give you no time to whip out your dick. It's like they're TRYING to piss you off.

Ryan:

How many times have you watched The Fugitive? I stopped counting at 22.

As did I. There are certain classic movies I've watched over and over again because they came out right when I had the most amount of free time to dick around and watch them over and over and become unreasonably attached to them. That movie happens to be one of them. YOU ALMOST GOT AWAY WITH IT, DIDN'T YOU? I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT. I CAN PROVE IT.

Dane:

So let's say you have some sort of special power wherein you can make any woman sleep with you at any time. The catch here, is you only have the power once, then it's gone. Do you (or can you) save this power until you are able to locate your dream hot chick or celebrity, or does your dong take control and you waste it on the first semi-hot skank you see in tight pants at Target, who you could probably hook up with anyway? I'd probably blow mine on the Target skank, no self control.

I have no self control or patience. I'd probably use it on the bedpost. A smart fella would take it to the nearest high end strip club, use it on the finest stripper he saw, make sweet love to that stripper, and then get beaten to death by that stripper's biker boyfriend. COOL.

HALFTIME!

Bears rule:

Whenever I eat a Jolly Rancher hard candy, I suck it down till it's close to being flat, then move it to by back teeth and bite down as hard as I can. The Jolly Rancher acts as mortar and essentially locks my jaw shut. Pulling them apart is an awesome feeling but I'm always afraid one day I'll pull and my tooth will come with it, but by that point all my teeth will be falling out anyways.

I did that all the time when I was a kid, but it does turn out that such eating habits can be detrimental to your teeth. Who knew? My wife once went to a dentist to get a crown replaced and the dentist, a legitimate and accredited dentist, handed her a couple of Jujyfruits and told her to bite down on them to get the crown off.

WIFE: Are you fucking joking?

DENTIST: No.

WIFE: (leaves)

So yeah, candy isn't so hot for your mouth. I didn't give a shit about this back in the day, because my folks paid my dental bills. But now I freelance and dental insurance for freelancers basically doesn't fucking exist, so I chew all my food very carefully. It's a shame because I used to open beer bottle with these choppers. SO KEWL!

Paul:

Which of the 10 commandments do you think you've broken the most? There's lying, stealing, swearing (taking God's name in vain), keeping holy the Sabbath (not Black Sabbath either), honoring your parents, killing, adultery, graven images (?), having no other God's and then there's:

"You shall not covet your neighbour's house, you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is your neighbour's."

That has to be the one, right? I'm thinking about maidservants and asses all the time.

Coveting other people's shit is pretty much an inherent quality of every American, so it's up there with swearing, which I of course do every day both in written and verbal form. "The Hell Express," as Eddie Murphy called it. Having no OTHER gods is tough one since I'm not a religious person. If you have no other Gods, but you also don't particularly believe in God, does that break that particular commandment? I have to think it does. Plus, I had tons of Def Leppard and Metallica posters on my wall as a teenager. That's false idol worship. And the bible fails to state if stealing an album off of Mediafire counts as stealing one thing, or if you get points taken off for each song on the album, which increases the sinning by tenfold or more. I think the average American routinely breaks the Commandments for lying, swearing, keeping the Sabbath holy (I never have), having no other Gods, graven images, and stealing. Killing and honoring your folks we do okay with. Adultery probably falls in the middle, unless porn counts. Then we're all screwed.

Rusty:

I despise any paper clip that is not a jumbo paper clip. Why in the fuck do they even make the small ones? And why would my company buy them? Viva trombones gigantes!

I also have an irrational dislike of colorful paper clips, with the wax coating. Far too perky for my liking.

AJ:

I think Uncle Bob either needs a bigger sign or needs to rethink where he puts the spaces between words to eliminate disgusting visions of a Paula Deen sex fantasy.

A Definitive Guide To Karaoke Manners

Butterfinger remains my #1 choice for soft serve ice cream mix-ins, just barely edging out peanut butter cups. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Gavin:

Is a nice guy or an asshole better at playing an asshole in a movie? On the one hand, you'd think that portraying an asshole would be easy for a real-life asshole. Just do what comes naturally. On the other hand, it would be really easy for an asshole to just be typecast as the same kind of asshole when maybe a given role would require that one be a different kind of asshole (you know, a racist asshole one movie and a sexist one the next, a cocky serial killer the third, etc.). Also, a nice guy would simply have the freedom to act in a way that is completely different than what he normally is, and that has got to be liberating for a nice guy, right?

I would think so. I think the average asshole actor is probably more insistent on not playing an asshole in a movie, since he likely thinks of himself as a very heroic and likable figure. Ben Stiller plays a goofy dork in pretty much every movie that isn't Greenberg, and you know full well that when the cameras go off he's probably a complete shithead to everyone around him. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH MY HAIR. I HAD IT TOUSLED FOR THREE HOURS LAST NIGHT. A nice guy probably wouldn't worry too much about playing a dickhead because he knows, when the cameras go off, that he's not that person. But who the fuck knows. There's no way to quantify it. Sean Penn is an asshole no matter who he plays.

Dan:

We're debating which "Maury" parents are worse, and you need to be the judge:

1. The parents of the fat babies. These parents parade their shirtless offspring on the stage whilst yelling, "I feed him what he wants!"

2. The parents of the slutty 13 - 15 year old girls. These are the girls they hit their moms, do drugs, drink, have sex with dozens of guys, and say they want a baby right away.

My wife thinks the parents of the fat baby are worse and I disagree.

She's wrong, and not just because the second option is more a frightening one to any father of a little girl. A fat baby isn't so hot, but at least the fat baby still has a chance of growing up to be a decent (albeit hefty) person, whereas the slutty gal (or scumbag boy) who does drugs is already a PROVEN lost cause. Really though, we're splitting hairs here. Because anyone who has a fat little baby that they parade around on "Maury" is likely to see that baby grow up to be a fat slutty gal who does drugs.

JA:

My wife and I get ready for work around the same time in the morning. To save time and dry off quickly from the shower, I occassionally grab my wife's hairdryer and use it to dry myself. It's wonderful to dry your balls and buttock region. Recently, I've aimed the hairdryer into my asshole, which, in essence, manufactures a fart. In seconds, the whole room is filled my the smell of my ass and though it sounds disgusting, it's an enjoyable smell, for me. Have you ever experienced the aroma and feeling of shooting hot air into your asshole?

/adds "shooting hot air into my asshole" to the to-do list

I have never used a blow dryer on my genitals because I'm always afraid of getting it too close and burning off my foreskin. Plus, the second you aim a hair dryer away from exposed skin, it feels like you've been teleported to the Arctic Circle. It's unpleasant.

Chris:

I was just watching the Jersey Shore and there was a scene where one of the people on the show took a chick into his room and was on camera clearly getting a blowjob. I got to thinking, there has to be hours upon hours of footage of these people having sex. Not only Jersey Shore, but the Real World and Big Brother and everything. The cameras are everywhere and are always filming these idiots. I just want to know where the fuck is this footage.

It's actually kind of amazing that a disgruntled ex-cameraman or producer has never leaked a sex tape of collected reality show hardcore porn. Because Chris is right. These people are vacuous assholes who could probably care less if there's a camera filming raw penetration of them. There's miles of footage out there, all of which is almost certainly owned by these networks to do with as they see fit. Since being "reputable" means they couldn't release the tape themselves, I don't see why they couldn't leak it to a company like Vivid and pretend the tapes were stolen from them, then we'd all get to see disgusting human beings from "Love Cruise" or whatever fucking and giving each other MEGAherps. It would be fun. I was a senior in college when the "Jerry Springer: Too Hot For TV!" tape first came out, and people lost their goddamn minds over that thing, even though it was just Jerry Springer without the beeping or the black bars over the boobies.

Adam:

I work in a hospital, the bathrooms are all single bathrooms, with plenty of space and plenty of privacy. What would the protocol be regarding jerking at work in one of these bathrooms? I understand that if you are in a large, communal bathroom with stalls, it gets a little dicier (but clearly not undoable). So, in a single bathroom, during a long work day, you've got to be allowed to rub one out right?

I have no issue with it. Just wash your hands before you head back out of there to intubate my granny. Also, be on the lookout for any and all surveillance cameras. Nothing will freeze you mid-jerk faster than wondering if some bastard set up a camera in the single bathroom. YOU BASTARD. I KNOW MY RIGHTS!

James:

If you lived/working in a 3rd world country and could only have one of these conveniences in your apartment - hot water or a western toilet - which would you choose? Most people say the toilet as the thought of squatting for every dump seems so horrible, but can you imagine never having a hot shower?

Do I still get toilet paper? If I get toilet paper, I'd be happy shitting in a drawer. Gimme the hot water.

David:

As a college student, even after buying as many used books online as I possibly can, I still end up spending $1000 on books each semester. Now being a spoiled white kid, I have my parents pay for them so I guess I'm one to complain, but the whole goddamned industry pisses me off. First of all, books are collections of paper and ink, so how the hell can some of them cost nearly $200? Secondly, I love selling them back after a semester's use for beer money, but even then, I only get about 20-30% of what I paid from the bookstore or online, or I can't sell them back at all because a new edition has come out. Which brings me to my biggest beef, new editions. Every two years, the publisher adds an "applying what you learned" box every 11 pages and use it as an excuse to charge students out the ass for brand new books that have absolutely no new valuable information. The cherry on top is learning two weeks into class that there's really no reason to read the book. Fuck.

There's no way the industry isn't crooked as shit too. Why wouldn't a publisher throw, say, a couple thousand dollars to a professor if it meant he would select your new, $200 textbook for his lecture hall class of 100-200 students? Fuck the textbook industry.

Agreed. All textbooks should be under $10 and should all be on a Kindle.