Last night, Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant coach accused of raping boys, gave his first interview on the matter to Bob Costas. It didn't go so well. (Video is above, in case you missed it.) Deadspin correspondent Ben wanted to see if the iPhone's personal-assistant application, Siri, fared any better. What follows is a transcript of the conversation.

Bob Costas: Mr. Sandusky, there's a 40-count indictment. The grand jury report contains specific detail. There are multiple accusers, multiple eyewitnesses to various aspects of the abuse. A reasonable person says where there's this much smoke, there must be plenty of fire. What do you say?

Siri: I found a number of restaurants matching 'Grand' in Las Vegas, NV.

Costas: Innocent? Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect?

Siri: I don't know what you mean by, "Innocent? Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect?"

Costas: Are you denying that you had any inappropriate sexual contact with any of these underage boys?

Siri: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't answer that.

Costas: Never touched their genitals? Never engaged in oral sex?

Siri: I didn't find any adult retail stores.

Costas: What about Mike McQueary, the grad assistant who in 2002 walked into the shower where he says in specific detail that you were forcibly raping a boy who appeared to be ten or 11 years old? That his hands were up against the shower wall and he heard rhythmic slap, slap, slapping sounds and he described that as a rape?

Siri: I can't search near businesses. Sorry about that!

Costas: What would be his motive to lie?

Siri: I don't know what you mean by, "What would be his motive to buy."

Costas: What did happen in the shower the night that Mike McQueary happened upon you and the young boy?

Siri: Would you like to search the web for, "What did happen in the shower tonight Mike McCleary happened on you and the young boy?"

Costas: In 1998, a mother confronts you about taking a shower with her son and inappropriately touching him. Two detectives eavesdrop on a conversation with you, and you admit that maybe your private parts touched her son. What happened there?

Siri: Sorry, I can't look for places in Iceland.

Costas: During one of those conversations, you said, "I understand, I was wrong, I wish I could get forgiveness," speaking now with the mother. "I know I won't get it from you. I wish I were dead." A guy falsely accused or a guy whose actions have been misinterpreted doesn't respond that way, does he?

Siri: Uh oh, there's a problem. Can you try again?

Costas: Shortly after that in 2000, a janitor said that he saw you performing oral sex on a young boy in the showers— in the Penn State locker facility. Did that happen?

Siri: Sorry, I can't look for places in Canada.

Costas: How could somebody think they saw something as extreme and shocking as that when it hadn't occurred, and what would possibly be their motivation to fabricate it?

Siri: I don't know what you mean by, "How could somebody think they saw something's extreme and shocking is that when it hadn't occurred and what would possibly need a motivation to fabricated."

[Note: At this point, correspondent Ben got bored and skipped to the end.]

Costas: Are you sexually attracted to young boys? To underage boys?

Siri: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't answer that.

Costas: Obviously, you're entitled to a presumption of innocence and you will receive a vigorous defense. On the other hand, there is a tremendous amount of information out there and fair-minded, common sense people have concluded that you are guilty of monstrous acts. And they are particularly unforgiving with the type of crimes that have been alleged here. And, so, millions of Americans who didn't know Jerry Sandusky's name until a week ago now regard you not only as a criminal but—I say this I think in a considered way—but as some sort of a monster. How do you respond to them?

Siri: [Much longer than normal pause.] I'm sorry, I couldn't find any restaurants.