The over-produced NBA team introduction video is an unfortunate but often hilarious fact of life now, and we may as well accept its extravagance and pyrotechnics as such. But not every team is the Miami Heat, and not every team's introduction video calls to mind the hip-hop super-group music video that you and your friends envisioned producing in the seventh grade. Let us now take a moment to reflect on and point out everything that is wrong with the Miami Heat's 2011-12 introduction video.
The intro debuted on Tuesday night, when the Heat hosted Boston, and it does show some kind of improvement on last year's strangely sensual video. But that video, similarly absurd as it may have been, had a Phil Collins song that had a lot to do with Miami and Miami Vice.
"All of the Lights" is a great, extravagant song, but Kanye West is from Chicago. Accordingly, "All of the Lights" might be the logical song for the Chicago Bulls' intro video, because that is the team Kanye West cares about, or even for a Los Angeles Lakers' intro video, because that is the team Kanye West finds convenient to watch courtside with his father when they're hosting the Bulls on Christmas Day.
But Florida has a lot of its own rappers, or at least can lay claim to plenty who hail from closer than Chicago. It is so very Miami of the Heat to choose a Kanye West hit over a Rick Ross banger, or a song that has Waka Flocka Flame yelling over it, or even a Flo Rida track, or any other music produced by any other artist with some kind of allegiance to the city or the state in which the team resides. In fact, just now, I synced up Flocka's "Hard in da Paint" to the Heat's intro video, and let me tell you, it looked great. Shane Battier managed to look hard, and he is wearing not one, but two polo shirts, and has the additional handicap of being Shane Battier. Chris Bosh smiled at the 32-second mark just as producer Lex Luger's bass dropped. LeBron James was counting his nonexistent titles to the beat. I'll never say this again, but poor, poor Waka Flocka Flame. He deserves better.
"All of the Lights" is only really interesting here if you're thinking about fame and male ego and power, and those concepts have nothing to do with the Miami Heat's introduction video, do they?
This video isn't a total wash, however. It is perhaps the best, most complete tutorial ever compiled for Things You Shouldn't Wear And/Or Do When You Are Posturing In A Music Video. When VH1 hosts its next show about white people trying to rap, it should use this video to show those poor souls how not to pose.
Our first offender is Dwyane Wade, who looks dapper but who does not know what to do with his hands and whose only stage direction seems to have been, "NOD AGGRESSIVELY." In that regard, he is doing a fantastic job. From there, we're treated to multiple posturing modes, which I've outlined here. Please promise to never do any of this in public.