May has started, which means that we're quickly running out of May and I don't want May to end because that means summer is here and OH FUCK GOD PLEASE NOT AGAIN.
You childless people don't understand summer. You think summer is so awesome because you get to wear skimpy clothing and rent out timeshares in some beach town and throw parties where you hollow out an ice luge and all your buddies take turns CRUSHING Firewater shots. Well, fuck you. Enjoy summer while you can, before it turns on you and digs its heel into your ASS.
My kid's school ends in the second week of June, and after that I'm DEAD. I am no longer living. Just rip my spine out and use it for suspension bridge cable, because having a child out of school is like having your home invaded by 17 bats. WHERE ARE THEY?! WHAT ARE THEY DOING?! THEY GOT INTO THE SUGAR JAR NOOOOOOO!
If you have young kids, there's no recourse for you. Shockingly, there are NO summer day camps that last from the last day of school to the first, and there should be. Day camps go on a week-by-week schedule and they cost a FORTUNE. You'll pay $500 a week for astronaut camp and your kid will be there from 9-10:30 three days a week watching old film-strip summaries of Disney's The Black Hole. It's worthless. And you can't send your kids to overnight camp because they aren't ready for it yet. My folks once sent my sister to overnight camp for eight weeks when she was, like, 7. To this day, she still reams them out over it. But I totally understand their methodology.
You can try and take your kids to the pool, but every public pool is overcrowded and populated with fat people who buy all the chocolate éclairs from the ice cream guy before you have a chance to. Or you can join a country club for $80,000 a summer, which everyone can totally afford. Even local pool clubs charge hundreds or thousands of dollars for membership and have endless waiting lines. And if you join a pool, it doesn't improve things because you have to spend every second at the pool making sure your kids don't drown or that they don't get splashed in the face by some punk teenager doing can openers in the shallow end. THAT IS NOT A SAFE JUMPING AREA, YOU TWAT.
And you can't go to any movies because all the good movies are PG-13, and your kids are too delicate to be subjected to them. My mom saw Avengers before I did. For real. She sent me an email this morning calling it, "Excitement personified." Because my mom is apparently Larry King. Goddammit I wanna see that shit.
School should be year-round. It should begin at 8 in the morning, go till 6 at night, and there should NEVER be any days off. Not weekends. Not holidays. Not for some bullshit teacher conference that I know is just an orgy at a local Days Inn. And definitely not for the hottest three months of the year, when everyone is sweating and crowding each other and being horrible. School should always be there to pick up my kids, whisk them away, and dump them back off. FOR FREE. None of this, "Hey, let's take three months off so parents can have quality time with their kids!" nonsense. That's crap. If I wanted to spend three months with a child, I would get a Jersey Shore share with Daulerio. Summer must be destroyed forever.
Image by Jim Cooke; photo via Shutterstock