Dead Letters: "Now, I Have To Say, I Did Not Actually Read The Article"

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Don't post complete bullshit on deadspin please.

From: Connor O'Brien
To: The Staff

I come to deadspin for good articles of substance. I come to deadspin so I don't have to read the shit that ESPN puts out. So, don't waste my, and other readers fucking time with sensationalistic articles pondering whether or not the Steinbrenners would sell the Yankees.

Of course they wouldn't. They never will. Well, maybe, if enough people in charge develop dementia or alzheimers and sell the team back to Seattle.

Now, I have to say, I did not actually read the article. I did not even click on the article because I refuse to contribute to bullshit "journalism" by propping it up with my page view. If, by some miraculous reason this article doesn't layout some pseudo-hypothesis about how the Steinbrenners could be persuaded to sell the Yankees, then I apologize. But, you should not allow sensational headlines like this on deadspin. It undercuts the very foundation in which Deadspin stands on: interesting, thought provoking stories on sports without the bs.

Please keep deadspin credible and interesting.

Subject: Bush Dong

From: [Redacted]
To: The Staff

This is a perfectly sculpted dong bush outside my office window.

Dead Letters: "Now, I Have To Say, I Did Not Actually Read The Article"

Subject: Recall: Bush Dong

From: [Redacted]
To: The Staff

[Redacted] would like to recall the message, "Bush Dong".

From: Tommy Craggs
To: [Redacted]

Ah, yes. We'll recall it fondly!

Subject: Tip for Deadspin

From: Dave Fisher
To: The Staff

Tip: The new web page design at Deadspin—it kinda sucks. I mean, it looks clean & nice. But the page is not inviting and I've found, to my surprise, that I can't be bothered to read the articles, 'cos there ain't no hooks. I look at the front page and and go, meh, then move on to, say, Grantland, pretty much immediately. Which is sad, 'cos every day for many, many years I used to scroll down the page through all the new stories and click on things that I otherwise never would have. Now there's hardly any content on the front page, just tidy composition and a pile of links. Can you say "boring" already? That's my tip. Good luck with it.

DF

Subject: Jake Champion????

From: Chris Chapla
To: Barry Petchesky

You are a piece of SHIT!!!! Supporting an asshole who sucker punches someone!!??? What kind of man are you? Better question, what kind of author are you?? A piece of shit one!!!! FUCK YOU!!!

If you did not write that article, I apologize. If you did...FUCK YOU!

Subject: JR Smith

From: Patrick Kimberlin
To: Tom Scocca

Pretty quick to yell racism without any real knowledge of the story. That's so delightfully PC of you. Way to go.

Subject: Worst Witness Ever

From: KJ
To: Dom Cosentino

You forget to mention in your article that Mike McQueary testified under oath that he did not witness a crime and also testified that he simply assumed one had happened based on a set of circumstances. Never mind that, as described, the set of circumstances doesn't actually make sense either. You know, the part about the three slapping sounds he heard from forty away, around a concrete block wall through a 1.75 inch solid wood door allegedly from a tiled shower echoeing every single sound? Get ready for the write up because there is absolutely no evidence this alleged crime even happened and when it comes out it court, I fully expect Penn State and the Paterno family (Joe has already been proven to have done exactly what he should have) to set the record straight and they only way they can do it is in court.

Subject: Tuesday Night Fights

From: Colin Pflugradt
To: Brian Hickey

Keep up the good work man. I'm a bartender at a mexican restaurant and Taco Tuesday is our busiest douche-filled night of the week. There's nothing better than getting off of work to come home and watching Tuesday Night Fights, it gets me through the shift some weeks.

Colin

Subject: A reminder to deadspin.com

From: Taylor Green
To: The Staff

Hi,

Taylor Green again here. Just wanted to check if my previous email has reached your inbox. I'd like to express my interest in your site deadspin.com. Kindly acknowledge this letter as soon as it gets to you.

Looking forward to hearing back from you soon.

Best regards,
Taylor

Notable Twitter Fanmail