Well, now. Yesterday, The Washingtonian passed along the glorious details of the shitshow civil suit being brought against Redskins tight end Fred Davis by a woman who's accused of being a "pimpette." Long story short: Davis allegedly poured an entire pitcher of juice on the woman's head, and the woman seeks damages. But the fun lies in the fact that both Davis and the woman, Makini R. Chaka, have represented themselves in court. And so far, it's all playing out like an outtake from The Chappelle Show.
Chaka filed suit against Davis in January 2011. She claimed Davis not only poured juice on her head at Washington, D.C. nightclub, but that he also busted open her lip and made violent threats against her. Davis was never charged, but Chaka was granted a temporary restraining order within a few weeks. She then went on to request a permanent stay-away order while also suing for damages, arguing that Davis refused to obey that inital order. At a preliminary hearing in April, Davis succeeded in proving he did not violate the temporary injunction, but there is still a trial scheduled for next March.
Enough of the boring legalese, however. The Washingtonian's fantastic full account is recommended reading, but I pulled out the most entertaining bits from that April hearing because they're just the best:
- Davis told the court that Chaka's claims were "made up and flagellant." Because, yes.
- Chaka described herself as a "celebrity broker" and said her job is to set up parties and events for rappers, singers, athletes, and other celebrities. Stewart Prince, one of Davis's former bodyguards, claimed that Chaka is a "madame" or "pimpette" who wrangles escorts for celebrities. Prince supported his claims in part by pointing out that Chaka is often seen carrying a "pimp-cup."
- Chaka has been involved in some legal troubles of her own. In 2008, a co-worker of Chaka's petitioned for a restraining order after Chaka allegedly told the woman, "I will cut you with my knife." Prince also claimed that Chaka had previously attempted to fight a stripper.
- Chaka and Davis have been acquaintances since 2008, with Davis testifying that he knew her from "out in the clubs, you know, just around other players that I know." Chaka accused Davis of attempting to get her blacklisted from multiple nightclubs in the D.C. and Maryland area, saying he went so far as to pretend to be Santana Moss in his quest.
- On the night in question, Davis claimed his group was placed at a table near Chaka's, and that he attempted to tell Chaka that he not looking for any trouble. Chaka allegedly responded by throwing a drink in Davis's face. Davis, who testified that he was embarrassed at that point, grabbed a pitcher of juice and poured it over Chaka's head. Chaka claimed Davis then threw the pitcher at her and, "busted her actual lip."
- According to a police report, surveillance footage showed that Davis did not cause any injuries to Chaka by tossing the juice container at her, but that Chaka was "elbowed by accident which caused the cut to her lip."
- Davis sought to prove Chaka was a "schemer" by submitting photos of her in skimpy outfits as evidence. There then was the following exchange while Davis questioned Chaka:
Davis: "As it shows, you also have your hand on his genitals. I mean why would you take a picture like that?"
Chaka: "I do not. Let's look closely at the exhibit right here, Judge. Where is my hand placed in this exhibit?"
Judge: "I do not answer questions. . . . The witness does."
Chaka: "Can you tell me where my hand is actually at in this photo?"
Davis: "It looks like it's in the genitals to me. I mean your hands are on his genitals. Your hand is on his-"
If only all NFL players tried to represent themselves in court.
Update: The Washingtonian just posted some more highlights from the hearing transcript, which you should check out immediately, but only if you think Chaka asking Davis questions like, "So we never hung out at your house and stayed the night over there . . . and watched episodes of Martin before." is funny.
Redskins' Fred Davis's Legal Mess: Harassment Suit, Restraining Order [The Washingtonian]