The Olympics Opening Ceremony? Giant Voldemort Fighting 30 Mary Poppinses, Obviously

London's Sunday Times is reporting that Friday's Olympics opening ceremony may not be unwatchably boring. According to Yahoo, which excerpted parts of the Times' subscription-only story, a 40-foot Voldemort (hologram? parade float? ventriloquist's dummy?) will take center stage for the ceremony and have some sort of disagreement with representations of Alice (from Alice in Wonderland), Captain Hook, and Cruella de Vil, all of whom are characters created by British authors.

Then Voldemort will get physical with his primary antagonist, and the hero with whom he is most closely identified:

About 30 actors each depicting Mary Poppins, the magical English nanny played by Julie Andrews in the 1964 Disney film, will descend from the roof of the stadium on wires and "float" to the ground with their opened umbrellas. The nightmare will be banished and happiness restored. "It's a jaw-dropping sequence," said one source.

The exhaustive list of opening ceremony ideas that would have made more sense than 30 actors depicting Julie Andrews as Mary Poppins floating down from the sky and "banishing" a 40-foot Voldemort: Anything.

It seems possible that this is a smokescreen designed to get people to tune in—wasn't there going to be fake rain, or something?—and if it is, good show: that's the best leaked fake opening ceremony plan ever. If this is the plan, though, it's ... probably too late to back out. Friday is roughly two days away.

Steel yourself, Poppinses. We're all counting on you.

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