Some people are fans of Deadspin's Why Your Team Sucks previews. But now the shoe's on the other foot! Suck on this, you cocksuckers.
1. Drew Magary is a bloviating turkey tit. Let's face it, every time Drew Magary decides to post something it's an absolute guarantee that he'll spend four paragraphs self-indulgently masturbating his ego with how many multi-syllable words he can fit into one sentence while making hyperbolic statements that would shame Baron von Münchausen. We get it Drew, you got high honors from the University of Phoenix Online. Now shut the fuck up so we can read something that doesn't take five hours to finish.
2. The community of commentators gargles donkey dick. Every time I scroll down to the comments section of a Deadspin article I feel like I've just tuned into an episode of Sesame Street where The Count has suffered a debilitating stroke. "Plus one. Ha... ha... ha... Plus one. Ha... ha... ha... Plus one. " What the hell are you paint-huffing work dodgers counting up to anyways? The number of times you can cram a fistful of Cheetohs into your slobbering gullet as you furiously masturbate to My Little Brony porn? The chance that you'll die alone, sad and miserable, with only a legacy of failure and disgrace to mark all the perfectly good oxygen you wasted? Stop fucking counting. It's giving me the creeps. Oh, and just a heads up: None of your witty comments are remotely witty. In fact, every time you post, the corpse of Samuel Clemens spins in his grave and screams, "YOU BUNCH OF STUPID FUCKS ARE RUINING AMERICA."
3. Half of these goddamn articles are a complete waste of time. Like this. And this. And especially this. There's absolutely no reason I should be forced to slog through this mind-numbing pageview padding when all I want to do is read about Adrian Peterson's 15th rushing touchdown in a game, or how Christian Ponder just saved a convent full of nuns from dickzombies. You're supposed to be reporting about sports, not some TMZ-type garbage that would make Ryan Seacrest shit himself in embarassment. Just do your fucking job right every time—it's not that hard.
4. That stupid as fuck Kinja/u/o.i™ whatever-the-hell-it-is system just sent an entire African village into crippling drought and now they're all dead. I hope you assholes are happy.
5. Hear it from Deadspin fans!
From: Brian Neary
To: The Staff
Your website sucks anymore. over the course of the last year, your website went from funny/sexy articles to just reaching for stories. I hate new york and I hate stars being ridonkulous but lets be honest carmelo anthony buying a portrait form an artist that he didnt commission but like the painting isnt that bad and really not story worthy. Get your shit togther...deadspin will be down the shitter in three years
To: The Staff
Here's a tip:
From: John J Hill
To: The Staff
Good Morning, I just wanted to let you know that every time you guys play, SPRINGSTEEN OR ROCKSTAR, I turn the station. These two songs are terrible and they are NOT even country. I know this will probably not do any good but I wish you would lose these two songs, they make me sick.
Thanks for tuning in. tl;dr—Go back to work you, lazy fuck.
Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.