The B.S. Report Report: This Is Positive Bullshit!

Julia Alvidrez, Gawker Media's operations manager, is an unabashed fan of Bill Simmons and everything Grantland. She is also an occasional reader of Deadspin. Every week, she will recap Simmons's podcast, The B.S. Report, for us.

I hurt my back this week and had to lie on the floor a lot. While I was down there I watched about three hours of YouTube videos, one of which was the Grantland Channel mission statement. Sports Guy, who was looking really cute in a little hat, gave us a bit of a behind-the-scenes look at his channel. Much like Bill, I find it helpful to establish expectations for your audience. It's clear that some or all of you are disappointed, maybe even a little disgusted, with this weekly recap. So I would like to take this opportunity to establish a mission statement of my own.

I listen to The B.S. Report because it makes me happy. When there's a new podcast, I can't wait to get home to hear it. I replay my favorite parts of old episodes over and over. There's nothing I love more than one of Kevin Wildes's half-baked ideas. I write this weekly report to share my joy with you. Last week, one of you called this column "negative bullshit." Not so! This is positive bullshit!

OK, let's move on. This week in B.S., Cousin Sal battled depression after having a rough week in fantasy football, Jalen and Bill teamed up to hype their new basketball TV show, Mike Lombardi talked about gambling without talking about gambling, and Joe House got a surprise phone call but he was busy.

Monday's podcast with Sal was dark. Like I said, I was lying on the floor, so it was reassuring to know that someone else was having a bad day too. After last night, though, it's not just me and Sal. Bill's buddy Russell "Hustle Bustle Man Muscle" Wilson went head-to-head with the Niners, and, as predicted, it was not pretty. I picked up Wilson on my fantasy team this week against my better judgment, but at least Bill and I can cry together. Bill still held off on giving the Niners his bid for division champs, but Sal was already on the bandwagon.

JackO was back in good health, so I got out of making those get-well-soon cards. Bill called him to discuss Jeter's injury, but JackO hadn't watched the game. He had just looked at the score intermittently on his phone because he was at a party. Bill put it best when he said that Jeter was carried off the field because of JackO's negligence as a Yankees fan. House got a surprise call in an attempt to get a few words on the Nationals' loss but it was too soon for him.

Lombardi said "nickel-back" 300 times in five minutes and you could hear his dog growling in the background. That's all you need to know about that hour in podcast history.

Oh man, I love Jalen Rose. Yesterday I looked at that picture of him in the red striped draft suit for a good five minutes. He forwent his usual podcast to team up with Bill, and the pairing did not disappoint. They called Shaq fat and declared a beef against Ernie Johnson, Jr. It's on! Jalen also dished up some juicy gossip on the early days of the Fab Five and gave Chris Webber an open invite to join him for steak, lobster, and a little adult entertainment. The hour began with a few bars of Jalen singing, and that had to be our Sports Guy Moment of the Week.

And with that, Sports Guy over and out!