Cockblocked By Joe Mauer!

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase two heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

The DHF story well is running dry once more. If you have a new one, send it in. Don't write like a douche if you can help it.

Brandon:

My friends have this one buddy named Chad who has had a notoriously difficult time getting with girls at a midwest school. He is incredibly shy and consistently makes excuses for himself as to why he can't get any pussy. My friends and I give him a ton of shit but always try our best to facilitate his game as best as possible.

Halloween weekend this year he went to a party and brought back a pretty large group of people to our apartment to keep it going. This group was incredibly wasted and we were able to pair him up with a cute-looking girl named Tracy. We were purposely losing beer pong as the winners had to "make out" and Tracy and Chad were magically on a hot streak on the table.

While this was all going on most of their dialogue had to with very obscure topics in the world of sports. There was a major argument raging over how Chad's Minnesota Wild were going to hold up with their new acquisitions compared to Tracy's Washington Capitals. I was very impressed with her knowledge of sports but didn't really chalk it up to anything.

Fast forward about 2 hours and Chad is able to finally get Tracy into his room. What happened the next 30 minutes was probably some of the worst game I have ever heard put into action. Chad figured it would be a good idea to express his affinity for his favorite AL catcher, instead of simply trying to get some sex.

Chad: YOU TELL ME WHO IS A BETTER CATCHER IN THE AL THAN JOE MAUER? YOU TELL ME!!

Tracy: I don't really know, Matt Weiters is pretty good.

Chad: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOUR TALKING ABOUT. JOE MAUER IS ONCE IN A 50 YEAR PLAYER. CUT THE SHIT!

Chad continued to yell about all kinds of subjects ranging from Pudge Rodriguez's pop time to Adrian Peterson's fumble problems (or in Chad's mind NO FUMBLE PROBLEMS). Anyway, Tracy got fed up with getting screamed at and headed back to her place. Chad never had another chance and my buddies and I are not letting him live this down.

But Peterson worked on his fumble problems! CUT THE SHIT!

JL:

Me and some friends go to a bonfire at a house party my sophomore year at VCU. A girl was standing (staggering?) outside the gate of the party. She handed me a bottle of vodka and told me to have some. Vodka makes me feel sick, so I demurred. She insisted. "Alright," I told her and take a swig. Not 30 seconds later, after she walks off, I scurried to the side of the yard and puked.

This somehow attracted no attention and I return to the party. We had a few beers before that same girl—I never learned her name—comes back maybe an hour later. She talks to my friend and I for a bit before she and I sat down on a log near the bonfire. I was talking to her for a few minutes, when she asked, "You wanna make out?" I paused, considered it, and said, "Okay."

We make out for a bit, until she stops for a second and mumbles, "I'm so fucked up." Trying to reassure her, I say, "It's okay, I mean, I just threw up." This makes her bolt up out of her stupor and say "What?!" Realizing what I just said, I jump up off the log I'm sitting on and walk away without saying a word back to the house.

I rush back to tell my friend what happened, he peers out the windows only to see her freaking out with the other partygoers. She leaves in a hurry and I explain to strangers what's happened (even though they didn't ask). I never saw her again or learned her name. But I anxiously checked Craigslist for weeks afterward on missed connections for fear that she would lash out at me.