Photo credit: AP

“Indoors” does not care what the season is. Seasons do not exist indoors. That is the whole reason we have indoors. When you stick a seasonal specifier like “Summer” or “Winter” in front of your event, your event has to take place in that actual season, which is outdoors. That is science. Therefore all the Olympic sports should be held outdoors.

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Gymnastics? You do not need climate control and fluorescent lighting to do flips and shit. Barry says that “wind gusts” could make “the uneven bars” “legit dangerous,” and to that I say: Correct. That is what you call “the elements.” Did you think it was exciting when Kerri Strug aced the vault on one leg in 1996? Well imagine if she had done the same thing during a hurricane. Imagine if she had done the same thing immediately after the hurricane blew the previous performer out to sea. That is drama right there, buddy. Mount the uneven bars over the poop sludge in Guanabara Bay, in my opinion.

Listen. All the time, people are doing flips and cartwheels and balancing on things. Literally everywhere. Likewise they are playing basketball and handball. I do not need a quadrennial extravaganza to see someone throw down a slam dunk or do a handball thing. Slap a ball or whatever. I can get my fill of slam dunks and ball slapping by watching a Golden State Warriors game. Why do I need the Olympics? I don’t. But theoretically I could need the Olympics if the basketball were being played outside, during a lightning storm. If the handball court was the middle of a busy freeway. You know what I mean.

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Swimming is indoors at the Olympics. Why? Most of the water is outdoors. Who are these pampered bozos who need climate controlled swimnasiums or whatever to do their swimming? If Michael Phelps is such a tough guy, let’s see him take down the 50-meter butterfly while fighting off a pod of orcas, in the dang ocean.

Indoor volleyball should be against the fucking law. Thank you.