I can’t get enough of this Drake LaRoche thing. It’s the best, dumbest, most baseball controversy I can imagine. Adam Eaton saying of a 14-year-old boy that “we lost a leader?” Love it. Unnamed White Sox players finally emerging to say actually, it kind of sucks to have a teen in our workplace every day? Adore it. Adore everything about this.

I especially adore how galvanizing the controversy has been. Usually, even in disputes that seem pretty one-sided, there’ll be lots of people who take the other side. Not this. Almost without exception (Eaton, Chris Sale, and maybe a couple morons on Facebook), common sense has won out. I’ve never seen the internet in such agreement on anything. Kids are bad and we should have less of them in our daily lives.

Take this open letter to the White Sox, from South Side Sox. It’s glorious.

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And we don’t care about LaRoche. We don’t cherish his one season as a member of the White Sox. We don’t respect him. Maybe you need to pause for a second to discern why we don’t respect him.

I’ll just help you out: He was a fucking horseshit player. He batted .207/.293/.340. He hit 12 home runs and drove in 44 runs. He was a well-below replacement level player. His wRC+ was 75. The eye test said he was bad. Whatever your favorite stat, whatever your analytical persuasion, it didn’t matter. He was terrible. And he made $12 million actively hurting the team. We’re absolutely thrilled that he retired. He was a deadweight on the performance of our team, on the finances of our team. And now he’s gone. This is a near ideal outcome for us.

Oh man, that’s the good stuff.

The White Sox are apparently done talking about this, but that doesn’t mean anyone else has to stop. Some wag has created a GoFundMe to raise money for the LaRoche Family Recovery Fund, and it’s clearly a gag. A quality one, too.

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Drake not only lost his position in the clubhouse and on the team, but also he lost the guidance and leadership from multiple father figures on the Chicago White Sox. This transition into a normal education outside of Major League Baseball will be tough for Drake and we’re asking for your help.

Also we we will be starting a clothes drive for Drake since he will no longer be receiving custom jerseys and uniforms. If you have any lightly worn clothing (size Boys XL) please let us know.

They’re seeking to raise $13 million to replace Adam LaRoche’s salary and “get them back on their feet,” and you should feel comfortable donating because the money’s not due unless it hits its goal. Which it won’t. So a pledge of a few imaginary dollars is worth it to be able to write a public message on the crowdfunding page. And that’s where people are having fun.

Won’t you donate to the LaRoche Family Recovery Fund? Just $12,998,352 to go.