Let's Try To Create The Worst Sportswriting About The Cardinals

Our pal David Roth, over at SB Nation, asked the internet to help him craft the most annoying, combative, and overwrought bits of fake sportswriting about the St. Louis that could be mustered. The results are fantastic:

Against a perfect twilight sky, Indian summer shifting to brilliant autumn, the Gateway Arch joined the 46,906 Busch Stadium faithful who bore witness to another perfect moment of baseball history. Pure Americana distilled into one barrel-chested frame, Matt Adams launched a curveball from that would-be conquerer, Clayton Kershaw, deep into the night, etching himself into the history books — and hearts — of the proudest tradition in baseball: Cardinals October memories. As his wide frame skipped and bounced, he embodied the glee that all of us felt in our hearts. The Cardinals, once again, are back where they belong: challenging for a pennant, healing all of us who have been injured this tumultuous summer. Giving a nation hope, once again. Hope that the good guys can win.

We'd like to get in on the fun. Use SB Nation's post as a guide, and then drop your own contribution into the discussion section below. Roth divided his submissions into two categories—Bad Sports Columnist Division and Bad Glossy Magazine Writing Division—so feel free to follow that rubric, but take this in whatever direction you want.

[ SB Nation]