Ray Rice, who won't see a day in jail for (allegedly) knocking the shit out of his then-fiancée in a casino elevator, held one of the most insanely un-self-aware press conferences in football history today. A sampling:

"I want to apologize...to everyone was affected by this situation that me and my wife were in."

"I just want to thank [my wife] for loving me where I was weak."

"Sometimes in life, you will get knocked down."

"I'm still the same Ray Rice that you know, or used to know, or have grown to love."

"Mom, thank you. Mr. Palmer, my father I never had, thank you for teaching me what it is to be a man."

What the fuck are the Ravens doing posting these quotes?

Rice, who gave his statement at 3:00 on the Friday before Memorial Day, did not take questions.