Goddammit. Its hard enough being a Rockies fan over the years. Now when they finally have a half decent record in June they have to find a reason for me to hate them. Don't worry, though, NL West-God traditionally stops allowing them to succeed by mid-July at the latest.

I think it was the addition of Jesus as their pitching coach. He has a nasty curveball, even at altitude. And they never run out of the loaves and fishes post-game clubhouse spread.

Regardless of what anyone might think, Todd Helton, is not God. And what is WRONG with these people? It's like they take all the fun out of being a baseball player!

SWANK is OK in the clubhouse though? Right?

I'm assuming Hustler and Swank are still okay though?

Just once I'd like to hear: "We were doing great until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team."

The players are supposedly pissed about this article. "Character, not religion, is the critical factor in the Rockies' chemistry, according to the players. That explains why so many players reacted negatively to the portrayal of their clubhouse in a USA Today cover story in Wednesday's editions that stressed the importance of Christianity." http://www.denverpost.com/rockies/ci_3885222

Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball.

Perhaps the Rockies can coax veteran junkballer Eddie Harris out of retirement. You tryin' to say Jesus Christ can't pitch effectively in Coors Field?

Its good to see that a downtrodden minority like fundamental Christians in this country finally have somewhere to turn for support and for a reflection of their beliefs other than, you know, the White House and most of Congress.

You no help me now, I say, fuck you, Joboo. I do it myself.

Ugh, just what we need. Even more evangelical Protestantism to ruin what should be a good time. And don't tell me, the Rockies adapted the Pat Robertson training program and can now individually squat 2000 pounds!

No porn in the clubhouse? Carl Monday would have field day in the Denver Public Library. "What do your parents think about your library habits, Jose Mesa?"

This just means that on road trips they bang jesus-freaks instead of traditional groupies with meat flaps hanging out.

Bichette 3:16

Too bad Clint Barmes hadn't yet found God to cushion his fall last year carrying an armload of deer meat up the stairs

The odd thing is, Jesus plays quarterback for the team next door. Jesus apparently also drives a Honda.

Besides, if Jesus Christ is pulling for anyone in the NL West it would have to be the PADRES, right? Oh, except for Mike Pizza being gay. He probably doesn't like that.

This, not the Nationals, is the team Fred "Jew-counter" Malek should have tried to own.

Stuart Scott said that you guys need to quit hatin' on God. The Almighty may have created these playas, but he didn't raise 'em. Holla!

"I believe God sends signs, and we're seeing those." I bet someone is working to steal those signs already!

"a Christian-based code of conduct they believe will bring them focus and success." Oh, that'll go over well with Jewish commissioner Bud Selig. Guess they had to wait until Gabe Kapler left, too. From the article: "[GM Monfort] says that after years of partying, including 18 months' probation for driving while impaired, he became a Christian three years ago. It influenced how he wanted to run the club, he says." Nothing is more annoying than someone who becomes a born-again Christian because they can't handle their booze. The Padres just took two of three games from the Rockies. I guess it's because their name is more Christian, and they actually stage inquisitions in their locker room.

They need Tony Danza in their rotation, and Danny Glover as ther manager, and then I will BELIEVE.

How can a reporter hear the CEO say "God sends signs" and not ask the follow-up, "Is one of them your team being in last place?" Where's your Messiah now, Rockies?

It really makes you wonder what magazine's Clint Barmes has been reading in the club house. I mean, last season God throws him down the stairs while he's carrying deer meat (widely recognized as a terrible time to be thrown down stairs) and this year he's hitting .086 in the Month of May (and killing my fantasy team). I guess Clint is just destined to be under a buck...ZING!

There goes any chance of ever seeing Hideki Matsui in a Rox uniform.

Maybe they can start doing leg presses with Pat Robertson.

Maybe they can do leg presses with Pat Robertson.

What do they do if someone does bring in a skin rag or somthing - go Old Testament on his ass?

Matt Holiday is a fantasy God. And he does it home and away.

Only if it shows vag, Sam.

I don't think I've ever rooted for team to be racked with scandal in my life. Here's hoping a Rockie -hopefully one of the more self-righteous ones- is found with a dead Thai hooker sometime soon.

Wow. Who knew I was running with such a pack of godless heathens! I'm pretty much okay with that. I'm just surprised there's been no defenders of the faith to speak up yet.

there are plenty of christians in hell...so they can't all be good

No swapping of thy teammate's wife, then?

Well, I'll play devil's advocate, but only a little. While I NEVER condone banning pornography, I respect the players' decision to embrace faith (and doubly respect the fact that tmany of them are apprehensive about that knowledge being public -- it's nice not to have others' faith crammed down your throat). Basically, I don't really want to hang out with the Rockies, but it certainly sets a better example than a lot of pro athletes.

but how do they feel about jews for jebus?

So this means there is a trading partner for the Twins' Tony Batista. Yessssss!

"it's nice not to have others' faith crammed down your throat." Oh, kinda like this... http://wayofthemaster.com/wotm_flash.html

Jose Mesa exemplified the team's Christian beliefs when said he wanted to kill Omar Vizquel and then threw a fastball at his head.

Jesus signed with the Yankees last year: http://alienlovespredator.com/index.php?id=4 and he's on the juice: http://alienlovespredator.com/index.php?id=147

Is there any way we can get Jesus to put Todd Heltons batting average back up above .300? My fantasy team would really appreciate it.

So we can assume they're trying to swing a trade with the Yankees for minor leaguer (and former Devil Ray!) Jesus Colome?

To badly bastardize an old rugby song, Jesus can't play baseball because the foul pole makes him nervous.

For the millionth time - PLEASE ASK GOD TO GO DO HIS GOOD WORK WHERE IT'S NEEDED!!! That does NOT involve the fucking retarded Colorado Rockies... You are distracting HIM - from places around the world where there is hunger, genocide, and abuse - with your measly NL team. Great job, assholes! Christian? Perhaps you should read your Bible more to find out what compassion means... stupid fuckers.

Isn't Todd Helton the same guy who once said he could 'just feel the influence of the Devil in the stands' after some incident at a game in San Fran? Went on to imply that it's an evil, Godless, faggotized place? I guess Jesus loved Peyton Manning more at Tennessee. Would explain why he gave him such a fine-looking Melon. Fuck Todd Helton. That guy wouldn't know Christ if he struck him out looking on a split-fingered fastball. The Jesus

By the way, was Carl Monday involved in any of the legwork for this story? Probably not. Or we would have heard about Denny Neagle 'having sex' with a tattered copy of Leg Action in the parking lot.

Uh, I've never heard that about Todd Helton... But yeah..Fuck that guy!

Kelly Leak...I'm almost certain that quote came from former Pirates OF Andy Van Slyke in an SI interview years ago.

You're with me, heaven.

I've got to believe JC reads Creamsicle in his spare time.

You're with me Will's updated comment.

John 3:16

"And the lord said, 'Go Sox'."