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Dan Shanoff writes a weekly college football column for Deadspin. Email him to let him know what you think.
Bowl sponsors have fascinated me since their arrival was supposed to herald the end of the "classy" "pageantry" of college football's bowl season. (Riiight: It was all FedEx's fault.)
But sponsors have become as integral to the bowl experience as the games themselves. (Teams come and go, but Meineke Car Care is forever.)
Some bowls maintained their original classic name but tacked on a sponsor (AT&T Cotton); some bowls dropped the original name (Chick-fil-A ne Chick-fil-A Peach); some bowls are real-life parodies ("PapaJohns.com Bowl"); and one bowl even pretentiously added their sponsor to the END of the bowl name, thinking Purists Who Are Keeping Us From Having a Playoff might miss that it now shouts "Rose Bowl PRESENTED BY CITI, BITCHES."
And so my 2007 bowl preview is as much about the sponsors involved as the teams involved. Oh, sure, there is still a little about the games themselves, but just remember: Roady's Truck Stops puts the "Humanitarian" into the Humanitarian Bowl. (Don't forget to stop by the traveling exhibit of All-Time Truck-Stop Restrooms outside the stadium, for your chance at a glory-hole shot worth $1 million!)
With that image scorched in your mind, bowl capsules follow. (Picks in italics.)
12/20: Poinsettia (San Diego)
Utah vs. Navy
Title Sponsor: San Diego County Credit Union.
"Free bowl tickets with proof of SDCCU sub-prime mortgage foreclosure!"
Plus: Paul Johnson leaving Navy, obviously hates America.
12/21: New Orleans
Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
Title Sponsor: R&L Carriers
"I want a playoff... of the nation's top trucker-servicing hookers."
Plus: Memphis fans waiting on Final Four.
12/22: PapaJohns.com (Birmingham)
Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Delivery in 30 minutes or less or your next bowl is free!"
Plus: Way better name? The "Buddy Garrity Bowl."
12/22: New Mexico (Albuquerque)
Nevada vs. New Mexico
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"But it's a dry heat. (That's what your momma said!)"
Plus: UNM enjoys home-bowl advantage.
12/22: Las Vegas
UCLA vs. BYU
Title Sponsor: Pioneer
"Why go to the game when you can watch on a sick new HD TV?"
Plus: Um, does UCLA even have a coach for the game?
12/23: Hawaii (Honolulu)
Boise State vs. East Carolina
Title Sponsor: Sheraton
"What: Like you can afford the Four Seasons?"
Plus: Boise quickly learns this ain't the BCS.
12/26: Motor City (Detroit)
Purdue vs. Central Michigan
Title Sponsor: None
"Hard to believe it didn't become the 'Toyota Motor City Bowl.'"
Plus: Big Ten Nth place vs. MAC champ... thrilling!
12/27: Holiday (San Diego)
Arizona State vs. Texas
Title Sponsor: Pacific Life
"Apparently, ASU didn't take out insurance on losing the Pac-10."
Plus: Texas takes first step to Top 3 season in '08.
12/28: Champs Sports (Orlando)
Boston College vs. Michigan State
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Begging the question: 'Champs' of what, exactly?"
Plus: That Matt Ryan sure looked Heismanesque watching the Heisman Ceremony on TV from home.
12/28: Texas (Houston)
TCU vs. Houston
Title Sponsor: None
"What every fan wants to hear: On the NFL Network!"
Plus: Lucky for TCU and Houston fans, game is local.
12/28: Emerald (San Francisco)
Maryland vs. Oregon State
Sponsor: Eponymous
"Guess the number of almonds you can fit in Friedgen's pants!"
Plus: Beavers' bowl game was season-breaking win over Cal.
12/29: Meineke Car Care (Charlotte)
UConn vs. Wake Forest
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"You're not going to pay a lot for these naming rights!"
Plus: 10 years ago, who saw THIS pairing coming?
12/29: Liberty (Memphis)
Central Florida vs. Mississippi State
Title Sponsor: AutoZone
"Because nothing bellows 'Liberty' like car parts!"
Plus: How can you root against Sylvester Croom?
12/29: Alamo (San Antonio)
Penn State vs. Texas A&M
Title Sponsor: Valero
"'Valero Alamo' is the porn-star name of FedEx Orange."
Plus: Dennis Franchione will email you all about it.
12/30: Independence (Shreveport)
Alabama vs. Colorado
Title Sponsor: PetroSun
"Just as long as you don't mean ENERGY independence."
Plus: Nick Saban said he was excited, but then he wasn't.
12/31: Armed Forces (Forth Worth)
Cal vs. Air Force
Title Sponsor: Bell Helicopter
"Do you REALLY want to talk shit about a gunship?"
Plus: Remember when Cal was poised to ascend to No. 1?
12/31: Humanitarian (Boise)
Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
Title Sponsor: Roady's
"Stick one in the Roady's Truck Stops glory hole for $1 million!"
Plus: When you think 'destination bowl game,' think Idaho!
12/31: Sun (El Paso)
South Florida vs. Oregon
Title Sponsor: Brut
"El Paso + cheap cologne = October 1 baby-birth surge"
Plus: Remember when this could have been our title game?
12/31: Music City (Nashville)
Kentucky vs. Florida State
Title Sponsor: Gaylord Hotels
"Hotel of choice for FSU boosters and their mistresses."
Plus: Last chance to see pre-NFL Andre Woodson.
12/31: Insight (Tempe)
Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"'I'm a man! I'm 40!' wins CFB Insight of the Year."
Plus: Say a quick prayer for IU's late Coach Hep.
12/31: Chick-fil-A (Atlanta)
Clemson vs. Auburn
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Expect spooky-looking cows with signs saying 'Eat Mor Tigr'"
Plus: Really, was "Peach Bowl" so bad?
1/1: Outback (Tampa)
Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Now, if they played Aussie rules football, they'd have something."
Plus: Phil Fulmer is one barbied filet away from angioplasty.
1/1: Cotton (Dallas)
Missouri vs. Arkansas
Title Sponsor: AT&T
"I want an iPhone made for Verizon, god dammit."
Plus: Darren McFadden AND Chase Daniel? (Drool noise.)
1/1: Gator (Jacksonville)
Texas Tech vs. Virginia
Title Sponsor: Konica Minolta
"Reminder to self: Call the guy to fix the office copier tomorrow."
Plus: Mike Leach in... Pirates of the Caribbean 4?
1/1: Capital One (Orlando)
Florida vs. Michigan
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Not to be awkward, but when does the new coach get here?"
Plus: No, seriously. Rod Era can't start fast enough.
1/1: Rose (Pasadena)
USC vs. Illinois
Title Sponsor: Citi
"Saying 'Presented by' doesn't make it less of a sell-out."
Plus: (Zook in Pasadena. I'm still in disbelief.)
1/1: Sugar (New Orleans)
Georgia vs. Hawaii
Title Sponsor: Allstate
"The only bowl game actually featuring an undefeated team."
Plus: Boise-Oklahoma, Part 2? Don't think so.
1/2: Fiesta (Phoenix)
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Title Sponsor: Tostitos
"Did you know the inventor of Tostitos is Swedish?*"
Plus: * - Not true.
1/3: Orange (Miami)
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
Title Sponsor: FedEx
"What can Orange do for you? (Not much, actually.)"
Plus: Which neck draws the bigger reaction from the non-fans in your house who happen to walk by the TV: Mangino's or Beamer's?
1/5: International (Toronto)
Rutgers vs. Ball State
Title Sponsor: None
"Like Boxing Day, a Canadian event no one in America cares about."
Plus: Why is a mid-December-quality bowl game on in January?
1/6: GMAC (Mobile)
Bowling Green vs. Tulsa
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"I want a playoff... to find the best financial services company!"
Plus: Championship Eve and we couldn't do better?
1/7: BCS Championship Game (New Orleans)
LSU vs. Ohio State
Title Sponsor: Allstate
"Home of the least satisfying championship result ever!"
Plus: And yet, a champ is what we'll get.
Wishing you and your family a very happy holiday (or Chinese-food-and-a-movie, if that's your persuasion). Catch you next week for the Bandwagoneer End-of-Year Awards.
As usual, send any comments or questions to danshanoff-[at]-gmail-[dot]-com.
Comments
No bowl games on Christmas... I have absolutely NO idea what I am going to do all day.
Not Boise/OK...nope; better because Hawaii will kick the Dawgs asses and then claim a share of the title. What, no Tebow-ner?
A Shanoff column without the name Tim Tebow.
(believe me, I looked)
I applaud you, sir. Though, I also never understood the small bowl games in the middle of the BCS.
"Hard to believe it didn't become the 'Toyota Motor City Bowl.'"
c'mon Shanoff, you should know by now it could only be the Ford, Chrysler or GM bowl
Home Bowl advantage is key...I hate crapping at the office
Here is hoping we never have the "2girls1cup" Bowl.
shouldn't the Alamo Bowl be sponsored by, I don't know, Alamo? Seems like a match made in heaven.
There's been NFL football for the last couple years, but yeah...no idea here, either.
@SirWalterIII:
Do what Jews have been doing for more than a half century. Chinese food and a movie.
Is Nick Saban college football's version of John Kerry?
@UkraineNotWeak: Bear Gryllis begs to differ. Those are his kind of girls.
@SirWalterIII: after presents, I don't either.
What sound is a "drool noise," exactly?
And there is NOTHING wrong with being born on October 1st.
Looks like Shanoff has been taking HTML tag lessons....kudos
"Like Boxing Day, a Canadian event no one in America cares about."
I'm not sure Canada cares about two random American Universities playing American Football on Canadian soil either.
I also didn't know "International" was defined as a country across a border. The Departures gate taught me different.
It's hard to take you seriously now that I know you look like this:
Catch you next week for the Bandwagooner End-of-Year awards
I saw this movie already. Everything goes to Tebow.
I believe that metschick & Suss-- are leading a posse to take out Shanoff, after those pot-shots at Rutgers & Bowling Green. Never mind that Shanoff had the chutzpah to declaim his earlier hyping of South Florida (though the simultaneous compliment to the Pac10 was odd, even for DS).
@SirWalterIII: @Lady Andrea: And to make you feel better, I am in the library right now sitting across from a 1L who clearly has one of those 8-hour take-home exams, and he is moving from 1. reading the exam question with a perturbed look on his face, 2. rifling frantically through his Con Law book, 3. burying his face in his hands. And then I go back to repeating my mantra, I'm halfway done, I'm halfway done...
@merde: for gods sake man!
the number of peanuts you can fit in the fridge's pants is something close to infinity.
To hell with Shanoff. Where's my weekly Muff Stubble update?
@merde: The Nightmare Ant is gonna get you.
I will never order a pizza over the internet.
IM GETTING SSW FLASHBACKS
MAKE IT STOP
MAKE IT STOP
@merde: Hey great - unfunny jokes and creepy internet stalking? You've got it all, buddy!
The Chick-fil-A bowl is taking place a mere 24 hours after the Sabbath? Sounds likes a certain ultra religious drive-thru restaurant owner has developed some fast manners and loose morals.
@Theodore_Donald_Kerabatsos: I have four left. I may be in a semicomatose state by Friday... if not, I will be Friday night.
@SirWalterIII: you have four left? Good god, man!
And next week Shanoff gets his Deadspin Certificate of Participation.
Errahhh, not that I wish it upon him, but if Shanoff ever gets divorced, whose program will he douche-ily glom on to? And Domino's rescinded its 30-minute delivery guarantee years ago.
@SirWalterIII: Wow, four left this week? I wish you the best, man. May the force be with you. Break a leg. Leave it all on the field. Keep the faith. Keep on keepin on. Keep on rockin in the free world. Any given Sunday.... and... other...metaphors and whatnot. I only have two left and I am considering throwing in the towel.
@PeteJayhawk: At least he didn't post the entirety of the lyrics to a song in a foreign language...
Is Shanoff being paid by the parenthesis?
@Lady Andrea: Yeah... only had one paper alternative and didn't take it. Hurts the team.
Like Boxing Day, a Canadian event no one in America cares about
You are missing out, homes. Everything's half price.
A Shanoff column without the name Tim Tebow.
It was hidden as million dollar glory hole.
@Theodore_Donald_Kerabatsos: I'm personally a fan of "Live every week like it's Shark Week."
@Theodore_Donald_Kerabatsos: Shit, I've been posting random crap here since before you knew this blog existed. Fuck off.
@SirWalterIII: Aaaannnnddd.... it's been added to the rollcall. Cheers. I'm also considering adding "They are who we thought they were," although I am not sure it works in all scenarios.
I also didn't know "International" was defined as a country across a border. The Departures gate taught me different.
International means between two or more countries. Or outside of the country. I know you crazy Canadians want to be the 51st state, but you're not.
@PeteJayhawk: Calm it down, Mr. Man. I was joking... Sheesh, you sound like my grandfather.
Old SSW: Bandwagoneer > SSW
New SSW: Bandwagoneer = SSW
But wait, there's less: Next Bandwagoneer to consist entirely of $1M glory hole jokes.
@PeteJayhawk: Hosenscheisser!
@twoeightnine: Canadians want to be the 51st state... that's 10 times funnier than anything Shanoff's ever written. +1.
I like Camp Tiger Claw's better, and I haven't even read it.
Actually this one was better than most.
Boxing Day is also about as "Canadian" a holiday as "My Country 'Tis of Thee" is an American tune.
@chilltown: Drinking and going to rock shows has really derailed my preview. Yet another reminder of why I remain a commenter.
Was anyone able to make it past the New Mexico bowl portion before your brain shut down and refused to work anymore?
I'm still waiting on the Puff Puff Pass Bowl, sponsored by High Times magazine.
@twoeightnine:
Give me Rutgers vs. Manitoba. That's an international game. Two U.S. schools playing in Canada doesn't really have that international feel.
I like the East German divers to take it to the LPGA All-Stars in the Poulon Weed Eater Bowl.
After reading about the 4th bowl game, my head started saying "but wait, there's less" in place of the plus. I said it last week, and i'll say it again: Shanoff vs. Weintraub. Two man enter, with a little bit of luck, no man survives.
Is Shanoff so out of ideas that he's reduced to copying the SSW?
Is that sad, pathetic, or morbidly funny?
How can you root against Sylvester Croom?
Easy. Not only was he a lousy OC with Detroit, but he helped drive Barry Sanders into an early retirement. That alone should banish him to eternal damnation.
Glad to see your ignorant Big 10 hating continues. Five seconds of research would allow you to figure out that Purdue beat Central Michigan 45-22 earlier this year.
This and the SSW are the only reason I will be glad when football season ends.
And yes, the only SEC team he had losing was Tennessee...Florida's main SEC rival.