2007 College Bowlstravaganza, Presented By...

Dan Shanoff writes a weekly college football column for Deadspin. Email him to let him know what you think.

Bowl sponsors have fascinated me since their arrival was supposed to herald the end of the "classy" "pageantry" of college football's bowl season. (Riiight: It was all FedEx's fault.)

But sponsors have become as integral to the bowl experience as the games themselves. (Teams come and go, but Meineke Car Care is forever.)

Some bowls maintained their original classic name but tacked on a sponsor (AT&T Cotton); some bowls dropped the original name (Chick-fil-A ne Chick-fil-A Peach); some bowls are real-life parodies ("PapaJohns.com Bowl"); and one bowl even pretentiously added their sponsor to the END of the bowl name, thinking Purists Who Are Keeping Us From Having a Playoff might miss that it now shouts "Rose Bowl PRESENTED BY CITI, BITCHES."

And so my 2007 bowl preview is as much about the sponsors involved as the teams involved. Oh, sure, there is still a little about the games themselves, but just remember: Roady's Truck Stops puts the "Humanitarian" into the Humanitarian Bowl. (Don't forget to stop by the traveling exhibit of All-Time Truck-Stop Restrooms outside the stadium, for your chance at a glory-hole shot worth $1 million!)

With that image scorched in your mind, bowl capsules follow. (Picks in italics.)

12/20: Poinsettia (San Diego)
Utah vs. Navy
Title Sponsor: San Diego County Credit Union.
"Free bowl tickets with proof of SDCCU sub-prime mortgage foreclosure!"
Plus: Paul Johnson leaving Navy, obviously hates America.

12/21: New Orleans
Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
Title Sponsor: R&L Carriers
"I want a playoff... of the nation's top trucker-servicing hookers."
Plus: Memphis fans waiting on Final Four.

12/22: PapaJohns.com (Birmingham)
Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Delivery in 30 minutes or less or your next bowl is free!"
Plus: Way better name? The "Buddy Garrity Bowl."

12/22: New Mexico (Albuquerque)
Nevada vs. New Mexico
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"But it's a dry heat. (That's what your momma said!)"
Plus: UNM enjoys home-bowl advantage.

12/22: Las Vegas
UCLA vs. BYU
Title Sponsor: Pioneer
"Why go to the game when you can watch on a sick new HD TV?"
Plus: Um, does UCLA even have a coach for the game?

12/23: Hawaii (Honolulu)
Boise State vs. East Carolina
Title Sponsor: Sheraton
"What: Like you can afford the Four Seasons?"
Plus: Boise quickly learns this ain't the BCS.

12/26: Motor City (Detroit)
Purdue vs. Central Michigan
Title Sponsor: None
"Hard to believe it didn't become the 'Toyota Motor City Bowl.'"
Plus: Big Ten Nth place vs. MAC champ... thrilling!

12/27: Holiday (San Diego)
Arizona State vs. Texas
Title Sponsor: Pacific Life
"Apparently, ASU didn't take out insurance on losing the Pac-10."
Plus: Texas takes first step to Top 3 season in '08.

12/28: Champs Sports (Orlando)
Boston College vs. Michigan State
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Begging the question: 'Champs' of what, exactly?"
Plus: That Matt Ryan sure looked Heismanesque watching the Heisman Ceremony on TV from home.

12/28: Texas (Houston)
TCU vs. Houston
Title Sponsor: None
"What every fan wants to hear: On the NFL Network!"
Plus: Lucky for TCU and Houston fans, game is local.

12/28: Emerald (San Francisco)
Maryland vs. Oregon State
Sponsor: Eponymous
"Guess the number of almonds you can fit in Friedgen's pants!"
Plus: Beavers' bowl game was season-breaking win over Cal.

12/29: Meineke Car Care (Charlotte)
UConn vs. Wake Forest
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"You're not going to pay a lot for these naming rights!"
Plus: 10 years ago, who saw THIS pairing coming?

12/29: Liberty (Memphis)
Central Florida vs. Mississippi State
Title Sponsor: AutoZone
"Because nothing bellows 'Liberty' like car parts!"
Plus: How can you root against Sylvester Croom?

12/29: Alamo (San Antonio)
Penn State vs. Texas A&M
Title Sponsor: Valero
"'Valero Alamo' is the porn-star name of FedEx Orange."
Plus: Dennis Franchione will email you all about it.

12/30: Independence (Shreveport)
Alabama vs. Colorado
Title Sponsor: PetroSun
"Just as long as you don't mean ENERGY independence."
Plus: Nick Saban said he was excited, but then he wasn't.

12/31: Armed Forces (Forth Worth)
Cal vs. Air Force
Title Sponsor: Bell Helicopter
"Do you REALLY want to talk shit about a gunship?"
Plus: Remember when Cal was poised to ascend to No. 1?

12/31: Humanitarian (Boise)
Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
Title Sponsor: Roady's
"Stick one in the Roady's Truck Stops glory hole for $1 million!"
Plus: When you think 'destination bowl game,' think Idaho!

12/31: Sun (El Paso)
South Florida vs. Oregon
Title Sponsor: Brut
"El Paso + cheap cologne = October 1 baby-birth surge"
Plus: Remember when this could have been our title game?

12/31: Music City (Nashville)
Kentucky vs. Florida State
Title Sponsor: Gaylord Hotels
"Hotel of choice for FSU boosters and their mistresses."
Plus: Last chance to see pre-NFL Andre Woodson.

12/31: Insight (Tempe)
Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"'I'm a man! I'm 40!' wins CFB Insight of the Year."
Plus: Say a quick prayer for IU's late Coach Hep.

12/31: Chick-fil-A (Atlanta)
Clemson vs. Auburn
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Expect spooky-looking cows with signs saying 'Eat Mor Tigr'"
Plus: Really, was "Peach Bowl" so bad?

1/1: Outback (Tampa)
Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Now, if they played Aussie rules football, they'd have something."
Plus: Phil Fulmer is one barbied filet away from angioplasty.

1/1: Cotton (Dallas)
Missouri vs. Arkansas
Title Sponsor: AT&T
"I want an iPhone made for Verizon, god dammit."
Plus: Darren McFadden AND Chase Daniel? (Drool noise.)

1/1: Gator (Jacksonville)
Texas Tech vs. Virginia
Title Sponsor: Konica Minolta
"Reminder to self: Call the guy to fix the office copier tomorrow."
Plus: Mike Leach in... Pirates of the Caribbean 4?

1/1: Capital One (Orlando)
Florida vs. Michigan
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"Not to be awkward, but when does the new coach get here?"
Plus: No, seriously. Rod Era can't start fast enough.

1/1: Rose (Pasadena)
USC vs. Illinois
Title Sponsor: Citi
"Saying 'Presented by' doesn't make it less of a sell-out."
Plus: (Zook in Pasadena. I'm still in disbelief.)

1/1: Sugar (New Orleans)
Georgia vs. Hawaii
Title Sponsor: Allstate
"The only bowl game actually featuring an undefeated team."
Plus: Boise-Oklahoma, Part 2? Don't think so.

1/2: Fiesta (Phoenix)
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Title Sponsor: Tostitos
"Did you know the inventor of Tostitos is Swedish?*"
Plus: * - Not true.

1/3: Orange (Miami)
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
Title Sponsor: FedEx
"What can Orange do for you? (Not much, actually.)"
Plus: Which neck draws the bigger reaction from the non-fans in your house who happen to walk by the TV: Mangino's or Beamer's?

1/5: International (Toronto)
Rutgers vs. Ball State
Title Sponsor: None
"Like Boxing Day, a Canadian event no one in America cares about."
Plus: Why is a mid-December-quality bowl game on in January?

1/6: GMAC (Mobile)
Bowling Green vs. Tulsa
Title Sponsor: Eponymous
"I want a playoff... to find the best financial services company!"
Plus: Championship Eve and we couldn't do better?

1/7: BCS Championship Game (New Orleans)
LSU vs. Ohio State
Title Sponsor: Allstate
"Home of the least satisfying championship result ever!"
Plus: And yet, a champ is what we'll get.

Wishing you and your family a very happy holiday (or Chinese-food-and-a-movie, if that's your persuasion). Catch you next week for the Bandwagoneer End-of-Year Awards.

As usual, send any comments or questions to danshanoff-[at]-gmail-[dot]-com.

Contact information for this author is not available.

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