Deadspin
To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.
Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.
So here's this week's column, about the mythical beast that is Nibbles ... after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.
—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—
Back in the halcyon days of my college education, I took a class in computer networking. I learned about parity, and not the kind of parity that allows a football team in a tiny blue-collar Wisconsin town to be competitive once every 30 years; I learned about packets, and not the kind that Stadium Mustard comes in; I learned about errors, and not the kind that David Wright makes on a weekly basis. Although several years have passed, rendering my knowledge about networks to a Senator Ted Stevens level, I still know enough about computers and networks to realize that our server is not a sentient being.
Ever since the National League Championship Series in October of last year, Deadspin has dealt with a crush of comments on a regular basis, night and day. Back then, comments would show up twice or would appear 10 minutes late or wouldn't even show up at all. We took it upon ourselves to name the Deadspin server "Nibbles," thus insinuating that the entire network was run by Mesocricetus auratus. It was fun to hamsterpomorphize a computer for a while; we'd blame Nibbles whenever our comments didn't publish. The Gawker Tech folks, however, have addressed this problem, and things run pretty goddamn smoothly now. Duplicate comments get immediately bounced. Little friendly confirmation messages pop up when comments get posted.
So, how does a comment make it through those series of tubes from your computer at work to the Gawker servers at an undisclosed underground location, protected from nuclear attack, earthquakes and giant lizard attacks? I'm not 100 percent sure, but it definitely involves ones and zeroes: there are no hamsters involved in the process whatsoever.
So please, if your comment doesn't publish immediately, please don't immediately post another one accusing Nibbles of eating it. There is no Nibbles. There never has been, and even if there was, Big Daddy Drew would have stuck it up his butt.
These commenters, however, stuck hilarity up their butts and pooped out the Comments of the Fortnight:
• Re: Michael Vick's wine bar in jeopardy
Matt_T: Leave the rape stand. Take the canoli's.
• Re: Michael Vick's future Arena Bowl career
Weed Against Speed: Jon Bon Jovi is so excited he has to carry a Slippery When Wet sign wherever he goes.
• Re: Tom Shearn living in a van down by the river
Chief Illiniwek (Ret.): He was staying in a camper to avoid paying a months rent in Louisville? Way to save $125 man!
• Re: Tim Couch: juicing?
UNC Samurai: The steroids gave him up for Kelly Holcomb.
• Re: Chiefs Dance Party USA
Christmas Ape: It could use more shots of Bill Simmons' leg.
Comments
The Gawker commenting system was an inside job.
First! Oh, dammit. Nibbles!
Richard Gere was not available for comment.
Hamsters run servers, gerbils go in asses. Come on, Iracane, you're better than that.
"Jesus Chrissssst"
-Mr Slave
So who's been chewing through my ball sack?
I have Nibbles on my fantasy team.
Are our editors sentient beings?
You're so wise. You're like a miniature Nibbles...
So...what you're saying is, instead of taking our frustration out on an imaginary animal, we should do what most people would do and chew the asses of the most visible posters, namely Leicht and Rick?
I choose to save them the trouble and continue believing in Santa Claus, thank you very much.
Seriously though, where is the Snorg girl?
Screw winning Comment of the Fortnight. I was awarded "Commenter of the Fortnight" by the Deadtern early last week.
There is no Nibbles.
Rob killed Nibbles?
The recent fixation with poo on here is, um, interesting.
@Lizalicious:
Recent?
@OchentaYcinco: Let's take this to another level, freeze the rodent, & go back-&-forth with it.
So I can say "Good evening, Nibbles. How's your fantasy team?" "or "Did my youtube link reach you at work?"
/lemme know
@Lizalicious: everything comes down to poo.
@OchentaYcinco: do we have any use for guinea pigs?
@Lizalicious: I'll take poop jokes over dick jokes any day.
@metschick: Ok, Sen. Vitter, have it your way.
Tell Red & Jugs we be done.
Well, I blame Metschick. She started it, man.
@metschick: That's right. Everybody Poops.
What about Lemiwinks?
That is one long seven-year internship.
Nibbles may not be behind the problems with posting comments but he was the mastermind behind 9/11. Nibbles has always been the #2 man in Al Qaeda.
These commenters, however, stuck hilarity up their butts and pooped out the Comments of the Fortnight...
That's not what happened when Cartman shoved things up his butt. The poop came out of his mouth.
Geez, why did you go and piss him off by denying his existence?
Someone is apparently very sensitive about this topic.
Can we blame Nibbles for yesterday?
That's a cute picture. I feel a little softening of my wrath towards Nibbles.
@jose reyes.the roof: forever?
Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in saran wrap?
...
A: So it won't burst when you fuck it.
Can I put this down on my resume?
He lets the last Commenter go.
He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and then he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night.
"Rat on your pop, and Nibbles will get you." And no-one ever really believes.
@Ooh, Shiny (fka Mob Penguin): Is that some sort of sick pun?
Is that J.D. McGregor?
@The Fan's Attic: If Miranda July is my opposite number, then yes.
Richard Gere approves that picture.
fixation on poop? no. never.
This isn't going to end well Rob, this isn't going to end well...
Nibbles gonna git you sucka!
Al Gore invented Nibbles.
I'm just going to start referring to Nibbles as "the n-word."
Slight correction: It's hamstropomorphize.
@MannysHeadStash: You'll confuse me. I'm from New England.
If you say Nibbles name three times in a row, he will appear.
Despite all my rage, I still feel like a rat in a cage.
@What would Kornheiser do?: Pretty sure that I now need a new keyboard.
Deadspin ran better under the previous, now sadly defunct server, Superdude.
@Matt_T: I did. Look where it got me!
Pfft. I wouldn't stick Nibbles up my butt.
Superdude has done a perfectly good job up there, and I'm not one to change gerbils in midstream.
Sweetheart, Daddy forgot to feed Nibbles while you were away at Grandma's. So here's a new Nibbles. See? He's just as good as the old one.
Wait. Stop... why are you crying?