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AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday ... well, that next four Fridays, anyway. Yes, after more than a year of goodness, Mr. Daulerio is retiring the Cultural Oddsmaker column at the beginning of 2008. There are now FOUR left. Email him to let him know how much you'll miss him.
Greetings. It's week two of the great Cultural Oddsmaker countdown, and this will once again not attempt in any way shape or form hold up a mirror to professional sports culture. This is simply a venue for me to expose my id in three-dimensional high-def for all the world to see. And, of course, showcase my favorite emails. This week's selection comes courtesy of the CO spelling bee column, which resulted in a couple spirited missives like this:
Richa Gupta getrich87@xxxx.net wrote:
You're a jackass who's just jealous that these kids are about 1000 times as smart as you are. Your descriptions are unwarranted and your attempt at mockery is just sick. Find another outlet to express your excessive loathing for thirteen year old kids, and get a fucking life.
Guptas. So sensitive.
Anyway, this week's Oddsmaker will focus on Playboy magazine's "Playmate of the Year" coronation. If you haven't heard, the magazine is currently in the middle of its selection process to crown this year's Bunny queen. This is somewhat sports-related because, as we all know, professional athletes have a tendency to end up in relationships with these bouncy bundles of dim-witted fun. In addition to the odds on their POY-dom, I'll also include which athlete their destined to end up with, and, for added color and depth, the odds on their favorite sexual position.
So, this week, I'm injecting my urethra with Deca-Durabolin, learning how to skin a rabbit (It is what it is — bunny-lovers beware), and calculating odds on the 2007 Playmate of the Year.
Pictures of almost naked young ladies, after this brief commercial break:
....
VAMANOS!
Heather Rene Smith, Miss February: 2/1
She's 20-years-old, California-cooked, and enjoys "going to see live bands" and "working on old cars." Oh, and "wake boarding," which I believe is what the CIA insists was very instrumental in winning the war on terror. When she says "working on old cars," we'll assume that means "leaning over a balance beam and almost doing a split without her tits falling out." Now, that's talent! She's into tattoos and guys who know how to play a musical instrument. Wizard-sleeved bassoonists, your princess has arrived.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Wayman Tisdale, Bronson Arroyo
Favorite sexual position: The Alfonseca: Heather can only orgasm when a man enters six digits or more inside her and tickles her her g-spot.
Brittany Binger, Miss June: 3/1
She's not blond, so she'll have a tough time generating support from the old fella, plus she's 5'7, 109lbs, which means she's about one missed meal away from being just a giant head and a pointy clavicle. Brittany's favorite singer is Snoop Dogg and her hobbies include "going to the beach." She's turned off by cockiness and womanizers, but she gets revved-up by men who are "mysterious." So, wear a Zorro mask, boys.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Manny Ramirez, Gilbert Arenas
Favorite sexual position: The Bo Diaz: Brittany climaxes the hardest when she's being banged on a Venezuelan rooftop with a satellite dish laying on top of her.
Shannon James, Miss May: 1/4
Shannon's a Council Rock graduate (We are! CR!) and still lives just outside the Philly area prepping for a life of either modeling, writing poetry or being a pharmaceutical sales rep. (What else is there really?) She's prime-time POY material thanks to her blonder than blondestness and willingness to admit she's "comfortable with her sexuality" and that she and her friends like to "walk around naked." Hooray. Plus! Her favorite team is the Philadelphia Phillies.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Jayson Werth, Mike Zagurski, The Sarge
Favorite sexual position: The Schmitter: Shannon likes to have anal sex using a "secret sauce" lubricant with a man who has a piece of fried salami wrapped around his dick.
Spencer Scott: 1/1
This Georgia gal is only 18 years old and says she's looking for a man who'll be "spontaneous" with her — no beach or fancy dinners, something, like, you know, like, a "theme park." Well, the gal likes roller coasters and also won't tolerate a guy who can't "make her laugh." So, no Mr. Fuddy-Duddys for her, no way. There's a reason God gave her so much brain power. Unfortunately, most of it is in her left breast.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Chipper Jones, Jeff Francoeur, The Georgia Bulldogs football team, an actual Georgia bulldog
Favorite sexual position: The Coolbaugh: Like she said, Spencer's a fan of spontaneity and loves it when a guy will sneak up behind her, take out one ball, whack her in the side of the head with it, and then do her while she's sprawled out in the grass in front of a stadium full of people.
Comments
Awesome. Nipples everywhere.
Really? You're supposed to wipe front to back?
News to me.
By the way, if you're trying to get some of us fired, you're doing a good job.
A.J., I love you, man; but just because you are leaving your job doesn't mean you should force me to leave mine.
I'm fired, aren't I?
Sweet fucking jesus.
I hope I get this new job, because you're doing a damn good job of getting me fired from the one I have now, Balls.
Not even a mention of Patrice Hollis, who was clearly the hottest one of the year?
Clearly The Balls doesn't care about black people.
/Kanye
almost?
Also, Gupta sounds like the last name of some spelling be competitors. Coincidence? I think not.
*pours out some malt liqour*
For those that lost their jobs today, courtesy of The Balls and the delicious pics.
Kudos.
Also, I enjoy the razor-thin rationale for posting this. Does this mean that Jalopnik is going to have an in-depth article on General Douglas MacArthur?
I heard he drove a car once, so, you know, close enough.
The Sarge, eh? I can live with that....
I'm throwing my vote to Miss April.
[www.playboy.com]
Also, UGA VI might be a little old for Spencer.
I could not have possibly chosen a better day to work from home.
Shit. Now my job is gonna block Deadspin.
The Bo Diaz. +10 to the Balls.
@ithacabaron: That's how they wipe ol' Hef.
A nice way to end the week. I'll put my money on Miss June at 3/1.
Attention Prospective Commenters Who Have Yet To Breach The Iracane Curtain: The commenter name of "Wizard-Sleeved Bassoonist" is available with royalty fees to Daulerio of only $0.02 per post.
Daulerio, your mind frightens me to no end. But, damn, you're a genius.
Daddy must be so proud. I hope I never have a daughter.
Not looking forward to when I get moved to a desk with lower cubicle walls.
Words can't describe that video. Who is the little elf creep watching the little girl go to the bathroom? And I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the girl's dress was in between her butt and the toilet water, meaning she took a super pooper in her pants, so to speak.
I'm going with whoever Paulie Shore didn't fuck.
5 across.
Yet another post where I'm thankful I don't have to worry about NSFW tags.
@Lady Andrea: I can't decide between April and September
@Lady Andrea: You have impeccable taste... in (other) women.
Giuliana Marino (oddly, she's German) is the one for whom I cast my vote.
worse part of parent hood so far has been potty training.
@PKIGUY: I use to say that and now have 2 of them.
@Disgruntled Goat: September? Really? Between Sept, July, May, & March, it's race to the bottom of the centerfold barrel.
Give me November, June, February, or January over those, yes, please, 'k, thanks.
Something tells me that Shannon James did something to the Balls to warrant a picture triple the size of all the other contestants. That is one big subliminal message.
My money is on Ms. February.
Is it just me or does anyone else imagine Heffner is getting pretty close to the point where they have to prop him up to "sample" the women like they do with Grandpa in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
Also, re: Spencer Scott: Great googly moogly.
Spencer Scott, hands down. (yes, seen the pictures.)
I am so so glad I am working from home today. As someone potty training a two year old, I never have felt more pathetic in my life. Humiliations galore!
Bravo.
I will miss your column, The Balls. Go Eagles.
@jose reyes.the roof: I really do.
@Disgruntled Goat: September is fug. I like Miss November as my runner-up, should Miss April be unable to fulfill her Hef duties. Plus, November just looks fun. We could hang out.
I take my money back. My load is on the hometown honey Ms. January. I have to love her odds.
@jose reyes.the roof: I dunno, I 'm just digging September for whatever reason. I'll definitely get with you on January and November, though.
@Coming Into The Game, The Superstar Receiver, Of Your Upper...: She's from Philly, so I don't know, could be...
@Coming Into The Game, The Superstar Receiver, Of Your Upper...: you were saying something about pictures yesterday...?
@Disgruntled Goat: @Lady Andrea: Here's to Miss September.
Shout out to the Council Rock School District! Hey-yo!
I don't know about the rules where you live, but here in Utah, that is NOT ALMOST NAKED.
last years winner still hotter than any contestant from this year
I know this because she was in my office 3 months ago for a photo shoot.
suffice it to say, she didn't go for dinner at Tavern on the Green
Nipples > Nibbles
@Jen P: in Utah, doesn't "almost naked" involve a parka?
And yeah, as soon as I saw Brittany and Shannon's "wit" and "charm," I was like, "uhhh, almost naked?"
You guys do realize that the public vote doesn't matter and Hef basically chooses his favorite, right?
@Lady Andrea: Iowa & Nebraska are neighbours, after all... & you didn't go to Iowa State, so there's no conference rivalry to worry over.
@Disgruntled Goat: Jayde Nicole was -- as music fetishists would put it -- a grower for me. Didn't like her so much to start, & after getting Heather Rene Smith the next month, it looked dicy for Ms January, but after looking over the whole year, JN was in my top five.