Deadspin
Lions quarterback Jon Kitna, just eight wins away from that preseason prediction, claimed last week that God healed his concussion, allowing him to play last week against the Eagles. You might have wondered what God thought about this. Well, Sportsline's Clay Travis has talked to God, and he's sorry.
"Nope, in a moment of weakness, I decided to interject myself into the career of a journeyman quarterback who has had a buzz haircut since 1984. Lots of people think that I favor men with long flowing locks because that is what Jesus looked like. These people are wrong. Heaven has been partial to short hair on men since the Reformation. It has just taken a long time for short hair to catch on.
"I also know that some people have questioned Jon Kitna's assertion that I healed his concussion via a miracle so he could play in the second half of one football game. Just because there are six billion people on earth and all of them are asking me for things all day long doesn't mean that I don't have my priorities in order. After all, I know that Minnesota-Detroit is a rivalry game. Plus, I also engineered Jon Kitna's miraculous World Bowl V Barcelona Dragons win over the Rhein Fire in 1998. But no one noticed."
We think this might be fake, but only because everybody knows God is rooting for Kurt Warner. Duh.
Cure Kitna? God Did It, But He's Not Sure Why [ClayNation]
Comments
Ahh, John Kitna. Now there's a haircut you can set your watch to!
please dear god help us with the running game too!
Why does God hate me so?
-Rexy
Does this mean Megatron gets sent to Robot Hell?
I'm pretty sure he was too busy condemning Oscar de la Hoya to hell for those photographs.
McNabb was right. White quarterbacks are treated better.
Shouldn't He be apologizing to Lions fans for the continued existence of Matt Millen?
I thought God was a point guard.
And God's next miracle for Kitna will be helping Kitna win an Oscar for Sling Blade 2: Motor City Mayhem.
Sorry for the last 500 years. Here's a new shoe!
--Nike
isn't this an "I'm Sorry" thread?
Jerry Fallwell is not impressed
God helps sports people all the time. After all he gave Chris Benoit the wisdom of Solomon.
What..too soon?
Why does God hate me so?
He's confused as to whether or not you're a Christian.
Robbie Fowler apologizes for nothing.
I thought there was something fishy with that whole thing. I mean everybody knows that God hates Protestants!
coincidentally, even god hates ohio
I call B.S. - everyone knows that God is clearly not a Lions fan. I mean, doesn't the Bible tell the story of God saving people from the Lions?!?!?
God better check in with Kitna again on sunday -- they're playing the Bears.
We think this might be fake, but only because everybody knows God is rooting for Kurt Warner. Duh.
Actually, you know its fake because anyone whose ever been to Detroit knows that there is no God.
@goathair: His son was.
[www.theonion.com]
Trick question, dickwad, Lemmy is God!
@grungedave:
I think you are thinking of Paper Lion by George Plimpton
God was on that Mike Vick panel last night. They booed the fucking shit out of him.
However, I am not sorry about making Sandy Koufax retire early. The Jews killed my son, so I took their sports messiah. Suck it.
-God
So: war in Iraq, tsunamis, earthquakes, AIDS = God twiddles his thumbs.
Journeyman QB gets a concussion = The Big G springs into action.
Thanks for clearing that up, Jon.
W.W.J.K.D?
@Shea Guevara: No dumbass, God likes the war. Haven't you ever been to Texas?
@goathair: Oh, so Clay Travis interviewed God Shamgod. That makes sense.
@1980DavidBowieFromTheMusicVideoAshesToAshes:
That picture should be in the Photoshop Hall of Fame, were one to exist.
@Christmas Ape: No, but I get sent to northern Africa.
Does that mean Andy Reid is the anti christ.
"Oy, dis Kitna, vattayagonnado?"
-Jay Fiedler
When asked to comment, God said, "I'm just trying to get ready for Auburn on Saturday."
God only healed Kitna because he took the over in the Lions-Vikings game.
He is presently working the steps in Gamblers Anonymous.
God also commented on the whereabouts of late Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz. "Check downstairs," the diety said.
Understandable,.. lots of people think we favor men with long, curly hair too but we're more into the Tebow look.. on women.
/brady quinn
/alex rodriguez
/oscar de la hoya
/tobias funke
It's a crew cut, thankyouverymuch.
And for those of us with rather large dome-pieces, it's the only thing we can do to avoid looking like a college mascot.
@Botswana Meat Commission FC:
also useful for avoiding those pesky "hair sample drug tests".
just saying
@lieutenant winslow: They will take the hair from other places. So, if you are going to shave it, shave it all.
Kurt Warner's wife has also had a buzz cut since 1984.
God helped me shake off the roofies and horse tranquilizers just in time to get those kids to school. God says, "You're welcome," Bay Area parents!
God just booked his tickets for Chicago.
@PQ Crash: +1
And God's next miracle for Kitna will be helping Kitna win an Oscar for Sling Blade 2: Motor City Mayhem.
Mmmm-hmmm. That's a nice tailback there. Some folks calls it runnin' back, and some folks calls it a halfback, but I calls it a tailback. Mmmm-hmm.
Wow this confirms God is from Detroit. I always had a suspicion it was a miracle that my General Motors cars were able to make it more than 6 months before falling apart
And here's a cool fun fact you probably didn't know: Jerome Bettis is also from Detroit
and brett favre has had a buzz since 1984. Hey-ooooooooooooooh...!
@ILoveIt: Jesus done went to Chicago.
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