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Dan Shanoff writes a weekly college football column for Deadspin. Email him to let him know what you think.
The original name of this guest-post was "Dan Shanoff Is The Tebow," so it was inevitable that I would devote at least some space to Florida's QB — who, after a mere four games, is the rock star of the year in college football. Saturday, Tebow accounted for 426 yards of offense, the hard way: 260 passing (with 2 TDs) and a Florida-record 160 rushing (with another 2 TDs). Heisman buzz is rampant, and fanboy panting is near-universal.
Tim Tebow's exploits are college football fans' new version of the famous improv joke, "The Aristocrats." See how far you can take your own story that ends "And THAT'S how special Tim Tebow is." Here's mine:
A few months ago, my in-laws and their friends ran into Tebow in Gainesville's Outback Steakhouse. He signed a greasy menu for my kid. By the time the menu arrived at my apartment, the grease stain had morphed into the outline of a workable plan to offer universal health-care to every American, including illegals. And THAT's how special Tim Tebow is.
Over the last three weeks, I watched Tebow play twice in person. (Cripes: I even broke down and bought a Tebow jersey.) He is a freak of talents. I have yet to come up with the proper QB analogue. Let me try:
If Matt Leinart fathered a son — with Tommie Frazier — THAT would be Tim Tebow. (Some Florida fans might demand I use "Paul Bunyan" and "Jesus" as the parents, but even by Tebow standards, that seemed excessive. How about "Jack Bauer" and "Jesus?")
What screws up the equation is that, unlike Leinart, Tebow is apparently a spectacular person. He's grounded, outgoing and pleasant and always signs autographs. He gives talks in prisons, then hugs the inmates. He took a nationally televised kiss from his roommate/teammate without worrying about his masculinity. He's enthusiastic, but without the dickishness that made JJ Redick or Joakim Noah (or Matt Leinart) so nationally hateable.
Tebow is super-religious and does a lot of evangelizing, but — as a non-Evangelical — what I appreciate most is that you never get that sense on the football field from him. No ironically sacrilegious "First off, I want to thank God" in interviews about a football game. No palms clasped, looking skyward, immediately after touchdowns; he seems to prefer the Gator Chomp.
If you listen to the rumors (or check out the tribute site Tim Tebow Facts), Tebow cures the sick. Tebow makes ovaries weep. Tebow always picks the perfect NFL Fantasy roster. Tebow should run the Fed. Tebow could fix Iraq. Tebow is who guys want to be and women want to be with. (Hell: Guys, too. What? Oh, like you wouldn't.)
This is what we have been reduced to: This 19-year-old with all of four college starts as more myth than man.
Where are Tebow's flaws? For starters, the ball he throws usually wobbles like an SEC sorority girl after a night with grain and Lik-a-Stik. And he hasn't faced down an 80-yard drive with two minutes left, down five, in Baton Rouge. Then again, Tebow is the real-life Optimus Prime.
A backlash is inevitable, and I'm fascinated to see when it happens. This week? After a loss (or win) at LSU? End of the season? Next year? If/when he returns for his senior season?
I had always seen this season as a warm-up for Tebow. With a year of full-time starting under his belt and a more favorable schedule in 2008, I had pictured him making his Heisman and national-title run next season. But myths won't wait — and neither will hyperbole.
Wait: I heard that on Saturday morning, Tim Tebow winked in the direction of Ann Arbor and saved Michigan's season. And a drop of his sweat rubbed into your back permanently rids you of unwanted hair. And then then there's this, which speaks for itself...
More From This Weekend: Cripes, what the hell happened to Louisville?... Notre Dame still sucks, but at least the "perfection" of 0-8 is still on the table... Will everyone shut up about Nick Saban now?... Is Cincinnati the most underrated team in the country?... Donovan McNabb must have been watching the Texas Tech-Oklahoma State game... Nothing says "midseason" like "Steve Spurrier is yanking his starting QB"... So if Appalachian State beat Michigan and Wofford beat App State, does that mean we can reasonably conclude Wofford is better than Michigan?
So Surreal That It's Worth Its Own Item: So, like many of you, I was sitting there watching Georgia and Alabama in OT. Bama had just kicked a field goal and Georgia was about to take the field. The Alabama crowd is going nuts. Play-by-play guy Mike Patrick says to analyst Todd Blackledge "I have an important question..."
There is a pause. Like many viewers, I have given Patrick my particular attention, waiting for his trenchant query, perfectly suiting an incredibly dramatic college football moment. Then Patrick continues:
"What is Britney doing with her life?"
There is dead silence on the air. Let me continue the scene...
Blackledge: "Who?"
Patrick: "Britney!"
More uncomfortable silence.
Blackledge: "Britney who?"
Patrick: "Spears!"
More uncomfortable silence.
Patrick: "What is she doing with her career?"
More uncomfortable silence.
Now: Uncomfortable laughter.
Blackledge: "Why do we care at this point?"
Good point. More uncomfortable silence.
Blackledge: "Is she here?"
Patrick: "I don't think so."
Blackledge: "Is she a football fan?"
Patrick: "Aw, I'm sure she is."
More awkward silence. Pleasehikepleasehike...
Patrick: "Georgia from the 25..."
And...scene! On that very play, Georgia proceeds to score the game-winning touchdown on that play, blissfully ending any further airtime for Patrick to obsess about Britney. Here's the video.
This Week's Bandwagon: Oh My God. Michigan Is Back. Ohio State and Wisconsin fans can feel free to disagree, but the rest of the country is now filled with one certainty above any other: Is there any doubt now that Michigan is going to win the Big Ten?
After that humiliating 0-2 start — all that talk about firing Lloyd Carr and "Worst Loss Ever" (twice!), it's a no-brainer of a karmic payback. Sure, they'll be 10-2 and get worked over in the Rose Bowl. Sure, saying "Appy" in Ann Arbor will get you dirty looks from UM's octogenarian season-ticket holders. Sure, frosh QB Ryan Mallett makes Byron Leftwich look nimble.
But all of a sudden, who wants to play them? In six weeks, they'll be 8-2 with tons of momentum, playing at Wisconsin, then hosting Ohio State with the Big Ten title on the line. At least we can all still whisper "Appy" and Michigan fans will have to pipe down.
My BlogPoll ballot Top 10:
1. LSU
"Werewolf with a chainsaw for a penis."
2. USC
Meh. I'm still not buying.
3. Oklahoma
I picked them to lose at Tulsa. My bad.
4. Florida
A little too close for comfort in Oxford.
5. Rutgers
Defeated mighty "Idle" to stay in Top 5.
6. West Virginia
Coming up: Rematch with South Florida.
7. Ohio State
Last week's dis yields this week's love.
8. Cal
Entire season comes down to...at Oregon?
9. Boston College
Toughest game remaining? Yes: UMass!
10. Texas
Two weeks until Red River Shootout.
Rising: Cincinnati, Missouri
My complete BlogPoll Top 25 ballot this week.
Looking Ahead to Next Week:
First, a quick mea culpa: I totally blew last week's "Upset Special" of Tulsa over Oklahoma. I didn't even get it right if you factor in the 20-plus point spread. You'll notice above that I leap-frogged the Sooners over my Gators as penance. That, and OU deserves it more.
Big East: West Virginia at South Florida. Friday night special! I'm a big believer in revenge as motivation. Last year, USF went up to Morgantown and ruined the Eers' BCS shot. WVU enjoys payback.
Pick: West Virginia
Pac-10: Cal at Oregon. Call it a "Pac-10 Play-In": The winner has the inside track to be to displace USC as the league's top dog. The loser's fans have to stop emailing me complaining about disrespect.
Pick: Oregon (Game of the Week!)
Big Ten: Michigan State at Wisconsin. The Spartans are 4-0, but are they for real? It's not like beating Notre Dame is enlightening. But beating the Badgers in Madison sure would be.
Pick: Wisconsin
SEC: Auburn at Florida. More revenge! Last year, the Tigers nearly ruined the Gators' championship season. Nearly. But that was Chris Leak and his dainty sensibilities. This is Tim Tebow.
Pick: Florida
Big 12: Kansas State at Texas. Rematch of an '06 thriller that officially KO'ed UT, then-defending national champs, from relevancy. Like WVU and UF, UT will find satisfaction in vengeance.
Pick: Texas
ACC: Clemson at Georgia Tech. Exactly the kind of tough mid-season road game at a wobbly opponent that usually blows Clemson's shot at an ACC Championship season.
Pick: Georgia Tech
I-AA vs. I-A: UMass at B.C.. The Eagles should be in your Top 10 by now. UMass is just the kind of I-AA (sorry: "F.C.S.") powerhouse that can't NOT shock its in-state big brother.
Pick: UMass (Upset Special!)
The Bandwagoneer at Home:
Yom Kippur on a Saturday puts a cramp on the Jewish college football viewer's style, but self-denial was a small price to pay for repentance. (Was it sacrilegious to DVR games unavailable to me during the day's observance, only to watch them in the evening?)
As always, send any comments, criticisms or questions to danshanoff-at-gmail-dot-com.
Comments
when is it not Tim Tebow time?
Trick question: Tebow IS God.
that shanoff kid is the realest bitch alive
Yom Kippur on a Saturday puts a cramp on the Jewish college football viewer's style, but self-denial was a small price to pay for repentance. (Was it sacrilegious to DVR games unavailable to me during the day's observance, only to watch them in the evening?)
Not as sacrilegious as me breaking my fast with an Italian hoagie, replete with ham and salami. (I'm not big into the rituals of Judaism, as you might have deduced)
And Mark Richt is now 22-3 in SEC road games. That play in OT was a thing of beauty. I'm not sure which was more endearing, Stafford racing down the field to dog pile on his teammates to celebrate or the shots of dejected Bama fans.
Can Tim Tebow close the italics tag?
If UMASS actually won that game the entire campus would be burnt to the ground.
It might be even if they lose.
Tim Tebow even knows what Britney's doing with her life.
Six years from now, Bears fans will be calling for Tebow's head after another 3-INT performance where he looks like a deer in the headlights.
It's the circle... the circle of life.
10 years from now: Hey, remember Tim Tebow?
Pat White > Tim Tebow
Just sayin...
Dan, how can you expect us to take you seriously when we have to stare at your Tebowner the whole time?
Shanoff:Tebow :: King:Favre?
Chuck Norris vs. Tim Tebow vs. Mike Ditka, who would win?
Your upset special makes me laugh
@SteveJeltzFan: Shanoff:Tebow :: Madden:Favre
fixed
@SteveJeltzFan:
Shanoff:Tebow :: Favre's wife:Favre
better fix
Your Tebow/Florida bandwagon boner love has gotten out of control. Go get yourself a box of tissue and take care of it.
I hope you didn't hurt your knee jumping on the UM bandwagon.
@SteveJeltzFan: Shanoff:Tebow :: Favre's wife:Favre
better fix
@UkraineNotWeak: Will we be saying that because he died for our sins?
"Your upset special makes me laugh"
If they lose to UMASS, Bowling Green or Notre Dame I don't think I could take it.
I hope Charlie Weis was able to atone for his sins after the game!
[/50s era Borschbelt comedian]
@Len Bias Cocaine Surplus: They looked sloppy yesterday. My guess is BC spends the week getting their asses chewed out by the coaching staff and hangs 40 or 50 on ZooMass Saturday.
And Pat White vs. Tebow? Tebow is a QB who can run. White is a RB who can kind of throw. I'll take the QB.
Is it true that Tim Tebow already has Halo 3?
@Hazel Mae's Landing Strip:
You wouldn't happen to be Mikey Adams of WEEI fame, would you?
Also,lose the apostrophe so we can reply to your comments.
@Matt_T: Yeah, but Georgia's loss to West Fucking Virginia 2 years ago set the bar for dejected fan shots unequivicably high
I thought that Patrick was cracking a joke about the kicker with the shaved head when he made the Britney joke, but I guess in my Iron City fueled haze I gave him too much credit for being 'with it'.
by 'with it' I mean making jokes that were stale 6 months ago.
the past two weeks have driven me to one, undeniable conclusion. For all of his efforts, for all of his bad-assedness, for all that he is capable of and can do...ultimately his tasks are futile as they are undermined by a heinous QB and Human Hot Seat at coach...therefore..
Darren McFadden = Sisyphus
@Portugal_The_Man: He was the first person to find the "Negative World" on Super Mario Brothers. The amazing part of the story is he wasn't even born yet.
"Cripes: I even broke down and bought a Tebow jersey"
Now, what you bought there, Shanoff, is actually a Florida Gators #15 jersey. We don't want Tebow actually makin' money off merchandising, now do we?
Tebow will follow in the footsteps of many other nimble QBs... by having a few good years then getting hurt cause he runs around too much... here's to seeing him backing up Colt Brennan circa 2013 for the Raiders
"He was the first person to find the "Negative World" on Super Mario Brothers. The amazing part of the story is he wasn't even born yet."
Anytime Tebow enters a door, six fireworks go off.
I hope Shanoff can get a partial credit when he trades in his Tibow jersey for an Oklahoma one when he hops on its bandwagon.
Mmmm... slanty.
@chilltown:
Fixed, and no but I think Mikey and I share a love of the Haze
@xhack:
The BC defense is no joke this year, but I agree, the offense could tighten up. I'm also not a huge fan of the "Pass to establish the run" strategy when we need to kill off the game.
But I'm feeling good about this season, which is the first time I can say that about BC.
@Off The Baggie: And Georgia Tech's loss to West Virginia last year set the bar for defecating fan shots insurmountably high.
I saw Tim Tebow save a 3-year old girl from a burning building*
*that's a lie
Inmate-hugging and teammate-kissing: THAT'S how special Tebow is...
@Weed Against Speed: I always thought "Minus World" flowed off the tongue better.
This weekend, Louisville was absolutely stunned by Syracuse, LSU passed their first SEC test with flying colors and pulls off a fake FG in style that even the OBC had to smile at, Miami was Miami again, Texas looked like they should have looked all season, and Ohio State showed that they maybe aren't gonna need two quarters to triangulate their position and plot a course to the end zone every Saturday.
On the other hand, Florida wins a semi-nailbiter over The Orgeron, so we get a Tebow piece that's part fluff, part recycled Vin Diesel/Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer jokes.
Next week: Michigan State over Wisconsin, McFadden runs for 350 yards against North Texas, and DeSean Jackson returns a punt 109 yards for a TD, but pulls a Bump Bailey and crashes into the wall at the end of the run, ending his season. Next Monday's column? Urban Meyer LOLCats ("I can haz Will Hill?).
@Portugal_The_Man: Tim Tebow is a playable character in Halo 3, and he rapes Master Chief
Does Jon Kitna simply call Tebow up when he needs something, or is there a more liturgical process?
@Charles: Brian St Pierre didn't exude confidence in you?
Tim Tebow uses Hattori Honzo steel.
Mike Leach broke my heart Saturday.
@Len Bias Cocaine Surplus: Hey now, Brian St. Pierre exuded confidence when he was striking me out in Little League and leading my high school to a state championship, so anything less than full confidence in him is blasphemy.
@Len Bias Cocaine Surplus: When BC almost beat Miami in 2001, I couldn't quite believe that St. Pierre was going to pull off a winning drive. And then he tried to force a pass on 1st down instead of throwing it out of the endzone, following in a ridiculous INT and the first 74-yard PAT I've ever seen after all those excessive celebration flags.
@xhack: Hey look that lateral by Miami was completely needed
@UkraineNotWeak: Tim Tebos is Hattori Hanzo steel.
Tebow. Tebow. Damn.
While reading this article, my computer actually spewed semen all over.
Then, the sperm turned into mini-Tebows and cleaned my desk.
Georgia Tech over Clemson? Did you not see the UVa/Tech game? I mean, I'm a Wahoo, and I'll be the first to say we suck, and we STILL beat Tech. Clemson in a rout.
One thing Tebow can't overcome is the awkwardness that is the left-handed pass. However, his vicious right stiff-arm more than makes up for it.
And Dan, could you please move over a bit? You're taking up too much space on the bandwagon.
Aren't these Tim Tebow facts just ripping off the Brian Leonard facts from a few years ago?