Dan Shanoff Is The Croomiest, college football, dan shanoff, espn, lee corso

The Last 25 Hours Are The Hardest

Dan Shanoff writes a weekly college football column for Deadspin. Email him to let him know what you think.

So the season kicks off next Saturday. Well, it actually kicks off on Thursday, when contender LSU (Did you hear? Les Miles can't win when it counts!) plays nontender Mississippi State. (Did you hear? Sylvester Croom is black!)

Then it's on: Nearly half of Division 1-A teams will see their national title hopes effectively implode after the very first weekend. (I'm looking at you, loser of the Cal-Tennessee game.)

But not before ESPN puts on an eye-drying 25-hour pregame show running Wednesday night through Thursday night. If nothing else, that demands a drinking game, a sip for every hour:

Hour 1: 1 sip if...
USC is slurped. (Yikes: Gonna be a long night/day.)

Hour 2: 2 sips if...
Every time "Virginia Tech" and "tragedy" are used in the same sentence.

Hour 3: 3 sips if...
Lee Corso drops an F-bomb.

Hour 4: 4 sips if...
Lou Holtz makes an argument that makes your head hurt.

Hour 5: 5 sips if...
Mark May pats himself on the back for being disliked.

Hour 6: 6 sips if...
Chris Fowler gripes about the weekly location of GameDay.

Hour 7: 7 sips if...
They defile Boise State's Statue of Liberty play by re-enacting it on the in-studio field.

Hour 8: 8 sips if...
Kirk Herbstreit hates on the SEC. (Or if anyone rips the Big East.)

Hour 9: 9 sips if...
You're still up at 3 a.m. ET when Hawaii's practice comes on the air.

Hour 10: 10 sips if...
You've signed up for fantasy CFB and you're still tweaking your rosters.

Hour 11: 11 sips if...
Anyone swoons "Tebow."

Hour 12: 12 sips if...
You care if your cable operator signs up for the Big Ten Network.

Hour 13: 13 sips if...
You confuse Mark Schlabach with Mark Schlereth.

Hour 14: 14 sips if...
The new GameDay theme song makes you wince. (Nothing says "college football" like Fitty and Farrell!)

Hour 15: 15 sips if...
The new GameDay theme song includes a remix from the 7th Floor Crew.

Hour 16: 16 sips if...
Every time "Virginia Tech" and "Vick" are used in the same sentence.

Hour 17: 17 sips if...
Anyone mentions that Mississippi State coach Sylvester Croom is black.

Hour 18: 18 sips if...
Anyone mentions that Alabama coach Nick Saban is a douchebag.

Hour 19: 19 sips if...
Rece Davis whimpers from exhaustion.

Hour 20: 20 sips if...
They run a heartstring-tugging profile of Marques Slocum.

Hour 21: 21 sips if...
You're scheduling your Friday night around watching Temple-Navy.

Hour 22: 22 sips if...
You sense any lingering bitterness when Bob Davie mentions that he used to coach at Notre Dame.

Hour 23: 23 sips if...
Anyone says "Spread."

Hour 24: 24 sips if...
Any reference to "Every Day Should Be Saturday" or "Orson Swindle."

Hour 25: 25 sips if...
Erin Andrews points at you and mouths "Yes... YOU."

This week's Trendspotting: "30 is the new 35." A new rule pushes kickoffs back from the 35-yard-line to the 30. Urban Meyer thinks it will be a big deal. MGOBlog's Brian Cook does not. I'm a huge fan of Brian's, but I'll go with the coach of the reigning champ on this.

More injuries? Fewer touchbacks? More TDs? Better field position? Unintended consequences and TBD gamesmanship? No one really knows how it will work out, which makes the new kickoff rule the biggest X-factor of Week 1, if not the season.

This week's Must-See Games:
1. Tennessee (No. 15) at Cal (12): Longshore/Jackson > Ainge/Whoever.
2. Wake Forest (34) at BC (28): Wake-up call that this ain't '06 anymore.
3. Florida State (19) at Clemson (41): FSU's offense STILL sucks?
4a. Kansas State at Auburn (18): Big 12 vs. SEC, Part 1
4b. Georgia (13) at Oklahoma State (42): Bulldogs overrated? Yes.
5. Georgia Tech (27) at Notre Dame (39): Who will be Irish QB? Really, who cares?

Send any/all email reactions, questions, gripes and tips to danshanoff-at-gmail-dot-com.

2:20 PM on Mon Aug 27 2007
By Leitch
9,226 views
56 comments

Comments

Kid Canada - R.I.P. at 02:26 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 138

Isn't college football the ultimate example of Jerry Seinfeld's "cheering for laundry" joke? You're cheering for laundry, people! Laundry!
Boy Howdy at 02:27 PM on 08/27/07
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I is writes comment.
tkexi991 at 02:29 PM on 08/27/07
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How you do it? With two hands and a smile.... TRUE!!
Unsilent Majority at 02:29 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 174

@Kid Canada: My Rex Grossman laundry magically transformed into Percy Harvin laundry, so i'm set.
Its The Beer Talking at 02:29 PM on 08/27/07
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Perry Farrell sings the new Gameday theme song?
Matt_T at 02:31 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 323

I'll be at UGA/OK state in Athens and anyone is welcome at our tailgate. Lemme know.
FiddlingWhileJimRomeBu... at 02:32 PM on 08/27/07
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Starkville generally sucks. I can't even imagine being marooned there when the football team is bad.
Wolf Blitzer at 02:32 PM on 08/27/07
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hold the iPhone, they ditched that horrendous COMMMMMING TO YOUR CITT-TTTAY crap for 50 and pharrel?
TheStarterWife at 02:32 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 409

@Unsilent Majority: So your laundry is permanent press, because it folds under pressure?
Da_Mang at 02:33 PM on 08/27/07
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Oklahoma State is everyone's upset special. Just like Boise State was two years ago at Georgia.

oh....and dick joke.
FiddlingWhileJimRomeBu... at 02:33 PM on 08/27/07
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God damn "cool kids" sitting in the back row, trying to fire up the hibachi...
[sportsillustrated.cnn.com]
Unsilent Majority at 02:36 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 174

@TheStarterWife: Count the rings
Da_Mang at 02:36 PM on 08/27/07
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And drink 50 if Corso talks about his merkin.
Tuffy at 02:37 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 212

25 for EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING

Corso does it all the time.
Camp Tiger Claw at 02:37 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 273

@Unsilent Majority: 1. 2. Done.
Helmet Touch at 02:37 PM on 08/27/07
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Technically, the season kicks off with Rutgers and 3 other games at 7pm followed by LSU at 8pm. *sigh*...No love for the Big East already?
Tuffy at 02:38 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 212

@Unsilent Majority: Clorox will get that right out.
Disgruntled Goat at 02:38 PM on 08/27/07
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@Kid Canada: Don't you talk that way about my Footbaw.
Phony Gwynn at 02:38 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 142

No Rocky Mountain Showdown? C'mon, one of those teams lost to Montana State last year - the D-1AA school with the criminal talent of a top-five D-1 school!

(Disclaimer: not my alma mater)
I Heart Poop at 02:39 PM on 08/27/07
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shanoff would get way more street cred if he changed his first name to jack.
Raskolnikov at 02:39 PM on 08/27/07
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@Kid Canada: It's like cheering for QMJHL.
being_sven at 02:39 PM on 08/27/07
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No mention of Maryland versus... um, who are they playing? Oh, who cares...

Never mind, see you for Midnight Madness.
Metschick at 02:40 PM on 08/27/07
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@Hey Tiger Jim: No one loves RU.

TSW: I'll be making pizza loaf on Thursday for RU game. I'll let you know how that goes.
PeteJayhawk at 02:41 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 392

Yes, because the loser of the Cal-Tennessee game has no shot at a national title. Teams with one loss never win the national title.

Oh.
Johnny Blackshoe at 02:43 PM on 08/27/07
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What?!? No mention of Florida or a general handjob for the SEC by Shanoff??? It is a new day.
Jen P at 02:46 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 70

@Hey Tiger Jim: The Big East still has football?
UpstateUnderdog at 02:47 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 197

Drink an entire six pack if they replay the Dan Hawkins press conference where he tells people to, "go play intamurals, brother". After all it's DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL !

this will never get old
[www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com]
Boy Howdy at 02:48 PM on 08/27/07
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@Johnny Blackshoe: Don't be silly. Take another look at the trendspotting paragraph.
Jen P at 02:48 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 70

Somehow, I doubt Boise State's opener against Weber State on Thursday night will be as exciting as their last game, but I can always hope ... Go Wildcats!
Matt_T at 02:49 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 323

Well be prepared to blackout during hour 4.

Lou Holtz has caused me to quit watching the college football shows.
Randall Tex Cobb at 02:51 PM on 08/27/07
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@PeteJäyhawk™: If you think Tenn or Cal is going undefeated in the SEC or Pac 10, you haven't seen Fulmer or Cal in the past decade.
Weed Against Speed at 02:53 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 402

Are Big & Rich going to play some tunes? Because that would be honky-tonk-errific!
Kid Canada - R.I.P. at 02:53 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 138

Hour 20: SHANOFF is da realest bitch alive
Spectacular Sam at 02:55 PM on 08/27/07
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Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
ltwinslow at 02:58 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 204

all i know is, corso loves cock
Barry Lutz at 02:58 PM on 08/27/07
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A dig at Tennessee?

Check.

A dig at FSU?

Check.

There, you see? I really AM a Florida fan!!!

[/Shanoff]
xhack at 03:07 PM on 08/27/07
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Lou Holtz needs to be taken out back and shot. It's the humane thing to do.

Also,do I have to drink if some of these things happen in my mind? Like the Erin Andrews thing. I swear to you there hasn't been a time I've seen her on TV and not had that happen..... in my mind.
$Image of josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris\'s sack-dance for you$ josereyes.theroof... at 03:13 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 1566

@Barry Lutz: & a dig at Georgia ("overrated"). He hit the trifecta.
Dr. Michael Mancini at 03:13 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 225

Less qualified for his position: Zook as football coach at Illinois, or Shanoff as college football beat writer at Deadspin?
Jen P at 03:17 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 70

Nothing like a marching band outside my window all day to put me in the mood for college football ... or for killing a bunch of people. I'm not sure yet.

I am sure, though, that the theme song from Grease shouldn't be played by a marching band.
Texas Gal at 03:19 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 169

Everyone is excited for Texas vs. the mighty ARKANSAS STATE, right?
FightTiger at 03:22 PM on 08/27/07
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26 sips... for every West Louisiana Tech and St. Mary's Institute for the Blind on kansas' schedule. I think kU's non-con schedule actually features Kige's high school.
Newspaper Hack at 03:24 PM on 08/27/07
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What, you're not interested in the Bama-Western Carolina game? Student tickets are going for over a c-note on the eBays.

You're going down, Catamounts!
twoeightnine at 03:25 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 183

You're cheering for laundry, people! Laundry!

Najeh Davenport shits on your laundry theory.
The Gentleman Masher at 03:33 PM on 08/27/07
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I'm going to relish Notre Dame getting drilled by Ga. Tech on Saturday...I hope Weis goes on an eclair binge because of it.
$Image of josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris\'s sack-dance for you$ josereyes.theroof... at 03:33 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 1566

@twoeightnine: Ok. Soiled laundry.
Slothrop at 03:34 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 284

I thought we were supposed to learn from past mistakes. Doesn't this face tell us not to watch more than 2 hours of tWWL programming in a row:

[deadspin.com]
Jen P at 03:38 PM on 08/27/07
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Connectedness Index: 70

Dear god, now the band has moved on to Greased Lightning.
MY LEFT TIT at 03:39 PM on 08/27/07
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that picture... is that a penis?
The Gizmo from Pismo at 03:44 PM on 08/27/07
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@Johnny Blackshoe: he did indirectly when he made a dig at Herbstreit. It ain't football season til someone accuses herbie of being a homer.
Little Lebowski Urban... at 03:45 PM on 08/27/07
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@Matt_T: Damn, the one time i can meet some actual deadspinners (don't find to many in the OK State area, or Oklahoma for that matter) I can't go. I hope it's a good one.

@Da_Mang: I hope this holds true. Although, I'm still skeptical about the OK State D.
mfdoom at 03:49 PM on 08/27/07
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@Barry Lutz:
he also brings up EDSBS

so, this guy is gonna post every week?
The Gentleman Masher at 04:01 PM on 08/27/07
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@Little Lebowski Urban Achiever: He's saying that he thinks OK State will end up like Boise St. did when they went to Athens...

[www.cstv.com]
Little Lebowski Urban... at 04:22 PM on 08/27/07
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@The Gentleman Masher: Ha, I'm retarded.
drjayphd at 05:06 PM on 08/27/07
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@Jen P: What are they practicing, The Complete John Travolta Masterworks? I think once they hit anything from Saturday Night Fever, that's actually considered grounds for justifiable homicide.
From: WWW.DANSHANOFF.COM: TRACKBACK at 09:08 PM on 08/29/07
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UPDATE! This week's edition of my Deadspin CFB guest-post is up.Let's get right to it. Here's my preseason Top 25, with an emphasis on which team I think will win the national title. 1. Virginia Tech (BlogPoll: 8)2. Florida (BP: 7)3. West Virginia (BP: 5)4. USC (BP: 1)5. LSU (BP: 2)6.