• I think that I shall never see/A poem as lovely as FOOTBAWL

    Oookie Agonistes

    quill.JPGCompared to much of the sports blogosphere, we lead a blessedly sheltered life here at Deadspin Nation. Admission is limited. There are standards of discourse during business hours. The worst of the trolls are jettisoned with all haste. But in most of the uncharted wilds of the internets, lawlessness is the rule. I was reminded of this while reading The FanHouse's coverage of Michael Vick's legal woes, and was moved to fashion a poem composed entirely of comments from your friendly neighborhood AOL sports fans. (NB: I swear, I did not make any of these up. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved. All [sic]s implied. Also, a couple of the stanzas rhyme, but that's a total accident.)

    This is a blog site- not a cyber-court!
    YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID
    SING ALONG.
    How much is that doggy in the fight pit,
    the one with the waggerly tail,

    Those of you siding with Vick,
    are sick.

    I LOVE YOUR SONG!
    I DID
    SING ALONG!

    Ironically, I was talking to a friend
    yesterday

    VICK SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT CATS,

    about the book of Genesis.

    HE WOULD BE
    IN LESS TROUBLE NOW.

    Adam named them and was charged
    to protect them. It was the fall
    that caused them to prey
    on each other
    and we
    to prey on them.

    If the Bible is true,
    white people in general are trouble.

    MORE PEOPLE LIKE DOGS THAN CATS.
    Go tell it to the Khmer Rouge!
    You don't hear of any abuse in Guantanamo
    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CAT FIGHT?

    Excuse me, CHECK........check YOUR reality.

    THERE ARE TWO CATS FIGHTING IN MY YARD RIGHT NOW
    IF YOU HURRY YOU CAN WATCH IT. BUT HURRY

    Mike Vicks freinds were kinda like playing poker,
    individual bets,
    and that MUST be proven.
    I'M GETTING READY TO CALL THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ON THEM NOW.
    I KNOW THEY WILL BRAKE IT UP

    apples and oranges there my freind!
    kinda like going to vegas,
    and nothing more!

    OR SEND THEM TO IRAQ
    THAT KIND OF FIGHTING IS ALRIGHT YOU KNOW.

    Excuse me, CHECK........check YOUR reality.

    well, mabe you better close down vegas
    on your crusade
    to cure the wolrd off personal betting,
    and don't forget
    to close down the Bingo parlors too...
    No poker, not even
    penny annie stuff!

    CAT FIGHT UPDATE :
    THE CAT FIGHT IS NOW OVER -

    Let me add,
    at Alot of adult parties,
    there are drugs,
    there are guns
    that someone can obtain,
    and even stolen car parts might be purchased.....

    SORRY YOU DID NOT GET A CHANCE TO SEE IT.

    Dog fighting
    is not a good thing
    but it is life.
    if u think it is ok,
    get in a ring
    and fireality ght to death
    with another human animal!

    IT WAS WILD - LIKE WILD CATS.

    if you wanna make the argument dogs are just animals,
    well if you ever took a science class you would know
    HUMANS ARE ANIMALS called
    Mammels!

    And poor Fluffy winds up dying from the wounds
    when all it wanted to be
    was
    your
    pet.

    I DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO CALL THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ON THEM.

    My fear is that he'll do something else like rapping
    In a twinkling of an eye, the whole Country could suffer.

    I REMEMBERED THAT I HAD THIS STUFF
    CALLED CAT NIP.

    Excuse me, CHECK........check YOUR reality.

    We're not talking about
    rolling through a stop sign
    or dropping a candy
    wrapped on the ground.
    About time all these idiots bo down

    SO I RAN OUT THE HOUSE
    AS FAST AS LIGHTNING

    If anyone should be sympathetic
    to underperformers it's
    Michael
    "Why Didn't You Catch the Ball
    I Threw 10 Feet to the Left of You"
    Vick.

    AND THREW SOME ON BOTH OF THEM.

    Plus ultimate fighting is way worst
    than someone fighting their dogs
    behind the house some where.

    IT TOOK A SHORT WHILE BUT THEY SOON BECAME VERY PASSIVE AS IF THEY HAD GOT HIGH OR SOMETHING.

    I've never heard of Don King taking babies
    and abusing them to the point that they are vicious
    so that they will become boxers for them!!

    BEFORE I KNEW IT THEY HAD LAID DOWN ON EACH OTHER AND WENT TO SLEEP.

    Hopefully President Bush will
    make another press conference
    and commute any jail time for Vick.
    fair is fair.

    THIS MADE ME THINK - LOOK HOW YOU CAN FIX THINGS
    BUY YOURSELF
    AND NOT INVOLVE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

    Have you been relegated to life as a bail bondsman?

    LISTEN YOU WANNABE SHITHOUSE LAYWER MY GRANDFATHER WAS AT DACHAU

    Excuse me, CHECK........check YOUR reality.

    I FEEL GOOD KNOWING
    THAT I JUST SAVED
    TWO CATS LIVES THAT WOULD PROBALLY HAVE BEEN LOST IN IRAQ. YEAH!!!!!!!!

    I understand branwashing,
    I understand electroshock therapy.
    I understand High tech
    manipulation
    at the state of the art level.

    i constantly have that image in my mind
    of that tato
    on vicks hand
    superman.
    guess the feds got the kripptinit.

    So you go cowboy, but remember
    don't ride that horse,
    because he might have a sore back,
    and
    "how would you like it, if someone rode you"

    make him do something for the goverment
    not go to jail
    he's one of the best quater back
    for the NFL

    They do,
    unlike snakes,
    have distinct personalities
    and
    (unlike children)
    will always
    give you unconditional
    love.

    -Holly (Magnolia if you're nasty)

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