Deadspin
We are officially less than a month before the start of the NFL season, so it's probably time to start previewing the monster. The key to the NFL's success — other than fantasy football and gambling, of course — is the rabid nature of its fans. That is to say: You don't see a lot of people painting their faces for their favorite golfer.
We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.
Right now: the Cleveland Browns. Your author is James Frey.
James Frey is the author of the books A Million Little Pieces and My Friend Leonard. His words are after the jump.
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I am 36 years old. I am from Cleveland. No Cleveland team has won a championship of any kind during my lifetime. We've had a few great teams, the Browns in the mid 80's, the Indians of the late 90's, the Cavs now, but none of them ever win big games. Unlike most, if not all, of the rest of the writers in this piece, I don't believe my team is going to win the Super Bowl this year. The Browns don't have a chance in hell of winning. I've been rooting for them for far too long to even consider it. We're in the midst of rebuilding, which has been going on for seven years, ever since we got the team back in 1999. Before they left for Baltimore in 1995 (Fuck you Art Modell), they had been rebuilding for several years. In typical Cleveland fashion, that team won the Super Bowl ... as the Ravens two years after they left.
Unlike many recent years, I actually believe the Browns are going in the right direction. Romeo Crennel is a great coach. Phil Savage is a great GM. We have an owner who is incredibly rich, wants to win and will spend money to do it. We're two years away. This year, I'll be thrilled if we're 8-8. I'll be fine if we're 7-9. The Super Bowl isn't going to happen. Maybe someday, but not now.
Comments
Prison life sounds depressing.
I don't believe a word you just wrote.
Lies!!!! All lies!!!!!!!!!!
Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! Ernest Byner! That is all.
Frey's been reading Hemingway, I see.
Wow, insightful.
Oprah isn't going to root for the Browns any longer.
Can we just change the name to Fuck You Baltimore?
Plus, it's probable that Frey is neither 36 nor from Cleveland.
It took the Ravens a few more than two years, Frey. Still at the exaggerating, apparently.
Wow...is this the prelude to the preview?
"The Super Bowl isn't going to happen. Maybe someday, but not now."
Pretty ballsy statement, there.
Before they left for Baltimore in 1995 (Fuck you Art Modell), they had been rebuilding for several years. In typical Cleveland fashion, that team won the Super Bowl ... as the Ravens two years after they left.
Shit, I totally forgot about the 1997 Super Bowl Champion Ravens.
Obviously this is all a lie. Firstly, he is James Frey, so everything he says is disputable. Secondly, no one from Cleveland can spell that well or use proper punctuation. Also, he has hope, which no Cleveland fan has had since Jim Brown played. Of course all those people have since passed away from smog inhalation.
I see Frey didn't make Will's "Authors with Pure Hearts" series.
Ten comments in and only four knocking this guy for his issues with the truth? C'mon... we can be meaner than this.
Even after this summer's media assault and even though this entry is anything but in-depth, I think Frey could find himself sitting in ESPN studios as an analyst: no problem.
Publisher: I have to ask you, you're not a towel are you?"
Towelie: No, If I were a towel, why would I be wearing this hat, and this fake moustache?
I wonder what's coming up on the next episode of "Deadspin Commenters Abuse Well-Known Public Figures"?
Right now: the Dallas Cowboys. Your author is Bill O'Reilly.
Bill O'Reilly is a FOX News commentator, best-selling author, and noted fucktard.
MDT - why are you calling Papa Bear a fucktard?
He said he'd spent three quarters in the Dog Pound, but it was really three plays.
Where's the rest?
In the words of Judge Smails, "Well, we're waiting."
Mike Honcho, you are a fake. I am the real Mike Honcho - not that it matters.
Is it really him writing? I am confused.
I've written IMs longer than that
We're cutting off your mike, MDT. Security! Security!
Which Mike Honcho do we kill?
8-8. could happen. if kellen winslow jr rallies the troops.
I've read grocery lists that were more interesting than that post. Man, Frey sucks in pretty much every way imaginable.
When does Kaavya Viswanathan preview her favorite team?
The other one.
C'mon... we can be meaner than this.
I think we should be nice. YOU try writing a post while on lithium, meth, and 500mL of ether.
I am 36 years old. I am from Cleveland. I write shitty little books about my completely fabricated adventures of killing girlfriends, snorting enough coke so that my nose looks like Michael Jackson's and shitting myself during teeth extractions. No Cleveland team has won a championship of any kind during my lifetime. ....
Sorry, I felt that it needed some editing.
He tells lies, lies that aren't true.
I can't wait to read what Jayson Blair has to say about the Jets.
My greatest regret in life is not having come up with this euphemism for defecating: Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.
fyi from imdb (confirmed on nndb):
James Frey
Date of birth (location)
12 September 1969 Cleveland, Ohio, USA
So, he's born in cleveland. but, in 1969. which, a calculator advises, makes him 36 years old.
so, his story checks out. so far.
Suss--,
immediately after Megan McCafferty does.
Shattered Ass?
Is John Mark Karr writing the Bronco's preview?
What, too soon?
Who's Glen Frey covering?
It's just so, I dunno, weird to see James Frey here. Here, of all places! It's totally incongruous, like everybody's just sitting around getting high and watching Aqua Teen, and there's a knock on the door, and in walks Madeleine Albright with a bag full of chili dogs. That's the bizarre level.
MINGEY!
/iWho's Glen Frey covering?/i
Philadelphia??
HST did more than that, bubba, and pulled it off. Frey just should have kept his edge.
Seriously... I want OJ doing the Bills and Rae Curruth doing the Panthers.
In breaking news, Oprah has added this to her post of the month club, therefore ensuring someone will find this somewhat entertaining..Awful..just awful
Am I the only one who's disappointed that there aren't more capitalized nouns?
"So then this Owner goes and moves my Team to another City..."
It's okay, Jim -- they're saying, "Boo-urns."
wow....James Frey.
Maybe the lie is that he actually believes the Browns are going in the right direction? If I lie about an opinion, can it really be a lie?
Wait....did he even say anything?
Well said MDT. And then imagine Madeline Albright chilli dogs on the table and heads over the bench and starts doing leg presses.
How exactly did he end up "writing" this?
Does he get his meth from the same guy as Will?
Dr. Phil is scheduled to preview the Vikings.
Actually, Oprah will probably go around telling everyone that the Browns will finish 8-8 and everyone will believe her. Then the season will end and they'll be 6-10 and she will bring Frey onto her show so she can berate him in front of a studio filled with gullible bored housewives that think of her as the second coming.
Screw Oprah.
"In next week's edition of 'Lying Authors on Football', Pete Rose previews the San Francisco 49ers."
I pray and hope that when Frey writes another book, say about suicide attempts and his bout with depression, that he names these Deadspin onslaughts on his character as the events that took him over the top.
"In next week's edition of 'Lying Authors on Football', Pete Rose previews the San Francisco 49ers."
After that, its Rosy Ruiz previewing the Pats...
Hi, I'm Glen Frey. Guess what: The H is O.
Glenn Frey is covering the (H is O)uston Texans...
Will, how the hell did you get him to come out of hiding for this??
a million little awful football players... & one f*&king soldier
Denis,
Don't fuck with Oprah, you should know that. She will destroy you. As one of her loyal minions, I'm just giving you fair warning. There's a lot of us.
HOLD ON, JAMES. JUST HOLD ON.
then George O' Leary previewing the Colts
Lying douchebag or not, I maintain that was the worst post I've ever read on this site.