Deadspin
We had a lot of fun with crotchety old Bill Conlin on Friday, but we had no idea how serious he was about this email business. Apparently, he's been firing off angry emails to random readers for weeks now.
The most famous one, already, is this one:
The only positive thing I can think of about Hitler's time on earth-I'm sure he would have eliminated all bloggers. In Colonial times, bloggers were called "Pamphleteers." They hung on street corners handing them out to passersby. Now, they hang out on electronic street corners, hoping somebody mouses on to their pretentious sites. Different medium, same MO. Shakespeare accidentally summed up the genre best with these words from a MacBeth soliloquy: ". . .a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. . ."
Charming! (And, according to Mr. Daulerio over at Philly Mag, something that might get him in some serious trouble.)
But here's another good one: Someone sent Conlin an email implying that he had "lost his fastball." Here was his response:
My fastball has slipped so much that when I attempted to accept the buyout on the table in 2002 (I was already 68), the editors took me to lunch and asked what it would take for me to keep working. I replied one less column a week and reduced travel. At a second meeting, they gave me a two column a week schedule, sharply reduced travel and a mandate to write mostly commentary. They also gave me a generous signing bonus, a quarterly performance bonus and matched the lump sum that would have accompanied the buyout package. They also continued the subsidy of my Florida condo that has been paying the taxes and monthly maintenance since 1987. By law, they had to begin paying me my full pension in 2004, so at age 73 I'm making the top salary at the paper plus collecting the biggest monthly pension check ever paid out. With the social security check my wife and I receive, I'm making ballplayer money for two columns a week. I suppose the fact that those two columns are consistently the most read pieces in EITHER paper might play a role in my good fortune. If that's what accrues from a lost fastball, I suggest you try taking a little off yours. . .I was forced to sell the condo in Cabarete, Dominican Republic, because we just didn't get there enough.
And then he ... ATTACHED PHOTOS OF THE CONDO!
You know ... it's pretty amazing newspapers are having so much trouble staying relevant.
The Conlin business has been circulating so much in the last few days that it's close to hitting the critical mass of actual protests; referencing Hitler will do that. Part of us feels bad for Bill; the man is 73 years old and probably thinks the emails are the equivalent of screaming at your computer. It seems extreme to severely punish (or even fire) the man for not quite understanding how the Web works; he's 73, for crying out loud. But then we read that "with the social security check my wife and I receive, I'm making ballplayer money for two columns a week" line ... and we feel less sympathetic. Let's see how it all turns out.
Bill Conlin Probably Just Shouldn't Use Email At All [Deadspin]
Comments
Who is this Mr. Daulerio you speak of and what has he done with the balls?
sharply reduced travel and a mandate to write mostly commentary.
Yep...nothing at all like a blogger there Bill.
All that money and he never thought of fixing his rotten baked bean teeth.
/Hey Cantstandya!
GIVE ME THIS OLD MAN'S JOB NOW, PLEASE!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent from my Blackberry Wireless Handheld
You know, I'm starting to think something about this Conlin guy rubs Will the wrong way.
Bill, Thomas Paine is going to kick your ass.
Fantastic
"Will Leitch, Pamphleteer" has a nice ring to it.
Start printing those business cards.
He forgot to mention the 72 virgins he's been promised in the afterlife.
I'm calling bullshit. There is absolutely no way the man can figure out how to get his photos from his camera to his computer, and then into an email attachment.
I am on the line with my Nigerian friend as we speak.
I can't wait for the film adaptation of "Batting Cleanup" starring John Goodman.
"In Colonial times, bloggers were called "Pamphleteers." They hung on street corners handing them out to passersby."
He's just bitter that his pamphlet about how awesome the British were didn't move as well as the other guys'.
@ASox:
I think Will could pull off a tri-corner hat.
If ever there was an argument for means testing to collect Social Security, or for being able to opt out of paying into it altogether, I believe Bill Conlin just made it.
I'll bet he brags to his friends about how he uses Medicare to pay for his stool softener and Viagra, too.
That letter read like the old, white, real-life version of Thugnificent's Cribs episode.
I'm pretty sure Bill was actually Neville Chamberlain's advisor who pushed him towards appeasement.
Peace in our time my ass.
Will, I think it's time to change deadspin into a recipe site before Bill sends you to the dark side of the Dominican Republic.
I was on the Sports Reporters! I drive a Dodge Stratus!
Meet the new beat writer for the West Virginia Power, Bill Conlin.
@chilltown: Well, he seems like a man to respond to \/1@GR@ 4 U! e-mails. And hopefully, my Nigerian friend's offers of wealth in exchange for cash, credit card & social security information.
I DRIVE A DODGE STR.... damn, Ray beat me to it.
Is his next e-mail going to brag about his sports car and include "personal" measurements in order to dispel rumors that it's a compensatory replacement?
I will never get over that book cover, not in a million years.
Who let Milton Waddams have a column?
Does this Shakespeare fellow glog anything? Has he ever tried to cover Andre Rison on the deep fade? Did he ever pet the Hirshey mustache?
Alright then. +1 Leitch.
Nick Saban is sad that someone else already used up all the inappropriate Third Reich references.
They also continued the subsidy of my Florida condo that has been paying the taxes and monthly maintenance since 1987.
After getting through the bad grammar I hope he has been declaring said payments on his tax return
/forwards email to IRS tipline
Someone may want to clue this cat in on Godwin's Law and its associated corollaries.
So is Conlin the sports equivalent of Andy Rooney?
Good job, you're highly paid. That doesn't mean you're competent at your job.
Bill Conlin, another example of the stoic self-restraint that Philadelphia's known for.
@Token_Tennis_Fan: He's also fairly certain his is still bigger than yours, though he hasn't seen his since 1987.
It's hard to travel to the Domincan Republic by horse and buggey, you see.
andy rooney admires bill conlin
It's dark in here... I'm cold... can someone hand me my Dominican made blanket?
@buttons: Someone may want to clue this cat in on Godwin's Law and its associated corollaries.
Someone may want to clue this cat in on Godwin's Law and its associated calories.
fixed.
@Token_Tennis_Fan: damn it. i was a minute late
Sharpstein said Taylor's girlfriend told him the couple was awakened by loud noises, and Taylor grabbed a machete he keeps in the bedroom for protection.
WTF MACHETE?
/threadjack
"In Colonial times, bloggers were called "Pamphleteers."
Hey, cut him some slack! He was there.
Bill Conlin ate Jim Eisenreich
Bill Conlin comes across like one of those a-holes who won't vote for anyone on their first ballot for HOF.
I bet he has Mike Schmidt's number tattooed on his genitals.
When Jay Mariotti masturbates, he thinks of Bill Conlin. The converse is also true.
Bill, all the money in the world doesn't hide the fact that you are still a giant turd. Sound and fury, signifying nothing.
I think Conlin might be angling for the back page at Sports Illustrated. They're known Hitler enthusiasts over there.
@TopesWin: It's Miami- what else do you cut the coke with?
Bill Conlin worship's Worthington's Law. [www.youtube.com]
Bill! You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a... I lost my train of thought.
@Encouraging Referee Pitman: He also worships it. Fuck. I fucked up my own pet peeve.
Is anybody else going to send Billy a friendly e-mail? I know I am.
I bet the waiters at Conlin's Florida condo screw up his drink orders and give him pina coladas when he asks for mai tais. They probably put big grains of salt in his margaritas too.
@TopesWin: Ugueth Urbina said you can never go wrong with the machete....
@being sven: Bill actually knew Thomas Paine. They were friends, had a falling out, and he's hated pamphleteers ever since.
@The Fan's Attic: touche, salesman
you should have seen bill conlin's article attacking the i-phone.
On behalf of the rest of America I'd like to thank Philadelphia for housing this specimen amongst their already unfortunate repertoire of sports accomplishments.
@Tuffy: If it has a condo in the Caribbean, it just might be.
GET OFF HIS LAWN!
Sweet fucking shades.
@suedevsleather: You're welcome, God damn it.
/Philadelphia
@Abe Froman: Actually, it was attacking the telegraph. Sending a telegraph is like pamphleteering for the masses.
The paper also provides him with a new onion for his belt at least twice a month, along with a yearly festive Christmas onion.
====== 732 unread articles in alt.bill-conlin.die.die.die -- read now? [+ynq]
"I'm old and I don't know where the bathroom is!"